Help I don't know what to do
This is gonna be really long. I have feelings for my best friend. Let's call her H. I feel like I'm caught in some kind of love triangle. I'm not winning at all. Lately she's been spending every night with our other mutual friend. Let's call her R. H lives right next door to me so it's obvious everytime I get told to leave and R stays. I'm hurting and I'm starting to resent R. I hate myself for it. I ended up telling R that I had feelings for the girl and she told me she did too.
I guess it doesn't matter that I've liked her since I first saw her or that me and H fucked and somehow we're still friends. I don't know what to do anymore or what to say. I've never felt this isolated before. They're honestly my only friends. I just broke up with another friend recently and I'm not handling that well either. I don't want to lose either of them. But I can't deal with this.
All my demons are catching up to me and I'm thinking some really bad thoughts. The other night I got drunk and spent two hours on the bathroom floor crying and talking with H. She put me to bed and told me she'd go crazy here without me and I'm not allowed to hurt myself.
I'm supposed to be able to go to my friends with anything but I don't even know where to begin here. I'm not looking for any kind of serious relationship from her but it hurts too much getting pushed away for R all the time. She's in an open marriage. R is going through a divorce and I've never been in a real relationship in my life. And we're all away from home. I just miss her because it used to be me in her room all the time. What do I say?
"I guess it doesn't matter that I've liked her since I first saw her or that me and H f**ked and somehow we're still friends."
(Modesty Asterisks, please)
Let's tell that like it is: We shared the most intimate act possible between one human and another yet afterwards WENT STRAIGHT BACK TO BEING ONLY FRIENDS.
Clearly that would have been HER wish, rather than yours so, what should that tell you, if not either that she didn't feel any deeper connection having occurred during/after as would have then warranted promoting the friendship, or (open marriage) doesn't want to get that attached, romantically, to *anyone* (which agenda R in her current position suits), and/or decided not to risk one day losing her most staunchly loyal friend by transforming her into a lover (meaning, again, she sees it that R is actually the more dispensable out of the two of you)?
Also, despite this R, in her over-enthusiasm - and, I'm betting, need to compete with you and win to salve her sense of marital rejection - seems devoid of any sisterly code of ethics (albeit one could say 'all's fair in love and war'), she is not the one that is basically telling you you're instantly dismissed whenever R wants to play (so that they can be in private?). She is a bit-part player; your beef is with H.
It might also be that although H values you greatly as a friend, she also felt safe enough to in a way use you as a 'practise' partner without fearing she'd lose the friendship in the process? If that's the case then she must feel TOO safe (despite, here you are, patently feeling the distinct opposite), meaning, feels she can behave any way she likes yet never expect any backlash or negative consequence.
If you're losing friends, that'll be because you're 'mixing business with pleasure', yet loading heavier on the lover side, meaning, as soon as any protected period of negativity or difficulty hits, friends are ACTING LIKE LOVERS in ending the relationship rather than simply giving you and they space for a while like one would be more apt to do with a purely platonic friend. So it doesn't look as if using the friendship market for getting yourself lovers is working in that regard, does it. Or is it vice-versa in a subconscious ploy to make yourself somehow more indispensable as a friend (but which has backfired this time due to H's all-round commitmentphobia)? All it achieves in your case, however, is a making it impossible via inappropriateness to confide in ones close friends about ones lover because the friend and lover are one and the same. You need to stop mixing and muddying the two distinctly separate markets.
Here's the good news: if R somehow aspires to BE you, whereby as a result she's trying to appropriate whatever she can tell you feel is 'yours' in a bid to measure up to you, then that means she's the one most open to being longer-term friends (if you work on her). She MIGHT even be just using H to really get your attention? Maybe, despite she said, 'me too!', inside she felt rejected and this chasing after H is her way of hurting you back?
You shouldn't really NEED to say anything. H should be perfectly aware of how shoddy her treatment of you appears and feels from your point of view, particularly after the bathroom incident. If she's too self-absorbed, however, then, "I just miss her because it used to be me in her room all the time. What do I say?". Just that. If that sentance doesn't do the trick to start a discussion or open her eyes a bit then that would say all you needed to know about how good a friend H ever truly was or still is.
Meanwhile, there are a lot more fish of whatever nature in the sea, but you're going to have to take yourself out of your normal social and comfort zone to find them and click with them. New bars/cafes, joining clubs, societies, whatever.
PS: An open marriage *is* a divorce, just by another name, whereby the hearts part despite the bodies stay put (usually out of convenience or apathy).