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Midlife crisis

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Relationship advice Hi all, I am 53 and wife is 55. We have been married 29 years. We met right out of college and I never really dated much in college or high school so didn't "sow a lot of oats". During our early years things were fine and We were happy but with issues. My wife claimed that I was to wrapped up in my work and didn't provide the emotional closeness she needed and at the same time she rarely wanted to have sex why I could never seem to get enough. Even so, she rarely deprived me and l continued to work on providing her with the emotional support she desired. At about our ten year point she had an emotional affair with a coworker. I say emotional because I'm unsure if it reached the physical before I found out. Regardless, she agreed to end it and we worked on our marriage. Additionally, For most of our marriage my wife has suffered from bipolar mental illness, which may have contributed to the affair as she was somewhat manic during that time. For the last ten years or so she has been on antidepressants that have killed her desire and ability to enjoy sex. Again she did not deny me sex but by this point I began to not enjoy sexy with her as I knew she wasn't enjoying it and was strictly doing it to satisfy me. It seems like we have transitioned from husband and wife to roommates since our kids are no longer living with us. Which brings me to the present. For the last year or so I have been having an affair. No excuses and I have no elusion that the affair will lead anywhere but it has caused me to question my future and if I want to save my marriage or move on and change the direction of my life...in fact I even question if I loved my wife or only married because she was the first true relationship and I never did anything before for fear of being alone... Help.

Midlife crisis

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You need to ask yourself why you went into the affair in the first place. Going by your post, your marriage has been in disarray for awhile and your affair is basically the start of you moving on from your marriage. Why did your wife have an emotional affair with a co worker at the ten year mark? If she was truly happy with you, and your marriage was rock solid, it obviously wouldn't have happened. While your wife has been unselfish in the bedroom despite her illness and medication, you both have needed more from your relationship which, despite you guys working at it, hasn't eventuated. In other words, you either both didn't work hard enough at it or it was a wasted effort for a variety of reasons.

Regardless if you have transitioned, as you state, into just room mates, you are still married and while you are married, your first and foremost should be to your wife. Despite the trials and frustrations of coping with a spouse with her illness, you married her and not the illness. If you can't do this, then you need to sit back and look at the choices for you and you alone. It's not so much as wanting to save your marriage, it's about you guys having the NEED to save it. If you have the will, you will find a way to make it work. It's easy to say and damn hard to do, especially after a 29 year history, but if you don't have the need or the will, then you both need to divorce and move on. You both deserve to be happy and if you can't be happy together, then you need to be happy with someone else.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-3