Are revenge justified?
I feel I have to share my stories. It's killing me keeping everything inside.
I grew up in a healthy family , I have everything I need since my childhood. Not long ago I met the person I truly love and get married. We come from different country. She have a bad childhood , become a single mother in adulthood and is an emotionally damaged woman. Her life and family relationship is complicated hell. I sincerely wants to give her a better life and we make a promise she will migrate to my country ASAP.
We are currently processing the documents. When I visit her I found out she is raped by her cousin few weeks ago. Right now she is traumatized and even tried to kill herself. The law in her country does not function.
Never in my life I feel such a failure and powerless. Both of us are emotionally devastated.
As there is no proper law in her country , I certainly capable to hire a hitman and chop off a limb or two from that imbecile.
I am always a man full of patience and high moral. However , I have failed to protect 1 person I love as a man and husband. I am willing to betray my dignity.
Will my revenge justified ?
- Good guy turns evil
Just my opinion but a revengeful act will do nothing to help you situation and although it may make you feel better right now in the future you may feel differently. What if you did something and if cause then they try to get you back by hurting the woman you love. That would be a hard burden to carry. I think you should focus on getting her out of her environment as quickly as possible.
"Not long ago I met the person I truly love and get married. We come from different country. She have a bad childhood , become a single mother in adulthood and is an emotionally damaged woman. Her life and family relationship is complicated hell. I sincerely wants to give her a better life and we make a promise she will migrate to my country ASAP."
"She have a bad childhood , become a single mother in adulthood and is an emotionally damaged woman."
It sounds like she was sexually abused. I married such a woman and it was over in a month, if you want to count when she had the first of over 2,000 affairs with from 20-30 people over 16 years before I fully found out.
So I speak from experience. All bad. With the abuse, they become a divided ego person, with the trauma on one side of the divided ego, and themselves at the emotional age of the trauma, we'll say 5 or 10, on the other side of the divided ego.
They are impossible to live with. If you have a child, it gets worse than that, for you can leave her if you find out she's been cheating, but you won't want to leave your child. She won't mind either way, for her childhood was so messed up, also, so what's one more kid being mistreated, even if it's her own? It nothing to her, and it will rip your heart out.
People warned me before I married my wife, but I had just had a nervous breakdown, and didn't want to live alone, for fear I would have another one.
You already know about this woman. You wrote,
"She have a bad childhood , become a single mother in adulthood and is an emotionally damaged woman."
That's all you need to know. she will play the perfect wife role until the baby is born. Then it's every person for himself. Your only chance is to wise up now, and avoid marriage and contact with her. This is truly a test of what you are made of.
SUNSHINE SEEKER , your remarks are indeed kind and thoughtful for the long run. I appreciate it & will take your advice into consideration. We are still processing documentation as fast as we could. Thank you.
PJVL9 , thank you for reading and describing every details. I will like to hear more from you. I will try provide more details.
While she is not exactly abused as a child , her parents parted ways when she is around 5-6 years old. Warmth of a mother's love & power , authority , strength of a father is something she did not have while growing up.
She become a single mother at age 22 , relationship with this child bio-father did not work out. He cheated on her. She have trust issue with man ever since then. The way I got involved in her life is kind of ironic. My brother married her sisters 4 years ago.
Your remarks on divided ego is understandable. It feels like walking on eggshells sometimes. She always apologize afterwards for having difficulty controlling her emotional outburst. The damage is already done and it tire me out as well. When things in her life are routine , stable , peacefully calm , she always tried to be the best person she can ever be for me & I fell in love again and again.
While the rape can be described as wrong place and wrong time. What fill my vengeance to boiling point is
1. That imbecile did not even sorry , still trying to threaten her and wants her.
2. Trying to inform me secretly that pregnancy test is meant for scandal between her and her ex ( Still think I did not know and sabotaging our marriage.)
3. Worst of all , that imbecile parents asked over & over to my wife to stay with them and become her woman. ( To cover up the shame I guess )
For now , I will focus on bringing her to my side. A new start in life for her.
"Your remarks on divided ego is understandable. It feels like walking on eggshells sometimes. She always apologize afterwards for having difficulty controlling her emotional outburst. The damage is already done and it tire me out as well. When things in her life are routine , stable , peacefully calm , she always tried to be the best person she can ever be for me & I fell in love again and again."
What are her emotional outbursts like? What does she do? What does she say?
What causes the emotional outbursts? My older sister, who was sexually abused, would have an outburst in her room if her hair wouldn't comb right before going out somewhere. She would throw plastic hair curlers up against the wall, and have a verbal fit: "My stupid hair won't do right!!!!" for 20 or 30 seconds.
It's like, she didn't have the emotional maturity to handle disappointment, the way a say 15 to 18 year old should have. She would react the way a 5 or 10 year old might react. Although, even 5 or 10 year olds don't act like that at disappointment, they simply complain or cry or something like that.
It's like, my older sister had by the age of 15-18, added pathological anger to her actions, something a 5 or 10 year old doesn't have. But people who have been sexually abused, often do have pathological anger.
(My sister also had this as an adult, and would go into screaming fits.)
My wife had it. When I caught her having an affair, she bellowed at me: "If this upsets you, why don't you just L E A V A E ! ! ! ! ! !"
And she would say the word "Leave!!!" like an animal. As if, she wasn't going to take anything from any man anymore, since it was a man who sexually abused her.
You won't really see this until you get married. And even then, you won't really see this until you have a child, until she's gotten what she wants out of you, a child. And you won't really see it until she's gotten caught having an affair, because now she has all the things she needs.
A baby for long term companionship, one or more men to have affairs with. Now she needs to dump you, after fooling you for years, and she will have all the parts she needs for her divided ego person. 1.) A child, for long-term companionship (who doesn't complain, like a husband, when she comes in at 3 a.m.), and 2.) one or more, one-hour a week lovers.
The last thing she needs is a husband who lives in the house and complains and messes up her home life, and she'll try to figure a way to get rid of you. So, you'll see her "turn," as outside sex becomes more important to her than you are, and she'll try to drive you off, and if you don't leave she'll simply keep on having outside sex, telling you she's been shopping, when you ask her why she's coming in late. And if you say, "I don't believe it," she simply repeat, "Then leave!!!!"
And you'll be wondering why you didn't notice this about her to begin with. You did notice it. It came out in "emotional outbursts" as you said about her, which most adults don't have. Except after you get married and have a child, the "emotional outbursts" will be a 24-hour day situation, which you either endure or you leave.
Borderline personality syndrome, from child sexual abuse, can also be caused by cold parenting. You said her parents split at 5 or 6. That's when the divided ego could have occurred. Was her mother warm and cuddly, or cold, or what?
Next, she already has a child, so she doesn't even need that from you. What she needs from you is to get her out of the place where she is now, and into a better place. Once you've fallen for her act, she can then begin an affair, and when you find out, turn on you for she doesn't need you anymore, and she already has a child.
Why did she have a child out of wedlock at 22? What is her past? Why didn't she take birth control? Did she really want to have a baby, for steady companionship, then she can go from man to man as she pleases?
Have you asked her, "Why did you have a baby at 22?" "What 22 year old woman `forgets' to take birth control?" My wife had unprotected sex with men to try to have a child out of wedlock, for long-term companionship, and then could date all she wanted and have the perfect situation, to help both sides of her divided ego.
Is this what your girlfriend was striving for? I think so. Ask her, why did you have a baby at 22, and just hear what she says.
The rape situation, is, in a way, the situation your girlfriend lives in on a daily basis.
You need to be thinking of getting away from that, not becoming a part of it.
You want to get as far away from those people as you can.
I wish I had. My wife came from a poor place, also. She left it physically to get to a nicer place, but, emotionally, she was always in that poor, depraved place. And all she wanted to do was bring others down to her level.
My marrying her showed more of what was going on in my life than in hers.
Also, I want to add to my above post:
You said you came from a good family. I did too.
I came from a good family, but I had problems like manic-depression, so it equaled out, with her problems of borderline.
I had as many problems as she did, and I felt comfortable around her, whereas "strong" women made me feel uncomfortable.
So, I was going away from trouble (strong women) and I was going toward trouble (women who had as many emotional problems as I did).
There wasn't really a place for me, but I did give it a try.
Here below is a discussion of borderline personality syndrome, which can occur with sexual abuse.
A lot of the websites now are mentioning sex abuse as a cause of this. It's a trend, it's politically correct, and it's all wrong.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Overview, Treatment, Support
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulties in regulating emotion. This difficulty leads to severe, unstable mood swings, impulsivity and instability, poor self-image and stormy personal relationships. People may make repeated attempts to avoid real or imagined situations of abandonment. The combined result of living with BPD can manifest into destructive behavior, such as self-harm (cutting) or suicide attempts.
It’s estimated that 1.6% of the adult U.S. population has BPD but it may be as high as 5.9%. Nearly 75% of people diagnosed with BPD are women, but recent research suggests that men may be almost as frequently affected by BPD. In the past, men with BPD were often misdiagnosed with PTSD or depression.
People with BPD experience wide mood swings and can display a great sense of instability and insecurity. Signs and symptoms may include:
•Frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned by friends and family.
•Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization—“I’m so in love!”—and devaluation—“I hate her.” This is also sometimes known as "splitting."
•Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships.
•Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving.
•Suicidal and self-harming behavior.
•Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days.
•Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.
•Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt.
•Dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity, or “out of body” type of feelings—and stress-related paranoid thoughts. Severe cases of stress can also lead to brief psychotic episodes.
Borderline personality disorder is ultimately characterized by the emotional turmoil it causes. People who have it feel emotions intensely and for long periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally intense event. Suicide threats and attempts are very common for people with BPD. Self-harming acts, such as cutting and burning, are also common.
The causes of borderline personality disorder are not fully understood, but scientists agree that it is the result of a combination of factors:
•Genetics. While no specific gene has been shown to directly cause BPD, studies in twins suggest this illness has strong hereditary links. BPD is about five times more common among people who have a first-degree relative with the disorder.
•Environmental factors. People who experience traumatic life events, such as physical or sexual abuse during childhood or neglect and separation from parents, are at increased risk of developing BPD.
•Brain function. The way the brain works is often different in people with BPD, suggesting that there is a neurological basis for some of the symptoms. Specifically, the portions of the brain that control emotions and decision-making/judgment may not communicate well with one another.
There is no single medical test to diagnose BPD, and a diagnosis is not based on one sign or symptom. BPD is diagnosed by a mental health professional following a comprehensive psychiatric interview that may include talking with previous clinicians, medical evaluations and, when appropriate, interviews with friends and family. To be diagnosed with BPD, a person must have at least 5 of the 9 BPD symptoms listed above.
A typical, well-rounded treatment plan includes psychotherapy, medications and group, peer and family support. The overarching goal is for someone with BPD to increasingly self-direct her treatment plan as a person learns what works as well as what doesn’t.
•Psychotherapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and psychodynamic psychotherapy, is the first line of choice for BPD.
•Medications are often instrumental to a treatment plan, but there is no one medication specifically made to treat the core symptoms of emptiness, abandonment and identity disturbance. Rather, several medications can be used off-label to treat the remaining symptoms. For example, mood stabilizers and antidepressants help with mood swings and dysphoria. Antipsychotic medication may help control symptoms of rage and disorganized thinking.
•Short-term hospitalization may be necessary during times of extreme stress, and/or impulsive or suicidal behavior to ensure safety.
BPD can be difficult to diagnose and treat—and successful treatment includes addressing any other disorders somebody might have. A person with BPD may have additional conditions like:
•Anxiety disorders, such as PTSD.
•Eating disorders, notably bulimia nervosa.
•Other personality disorders.
•Substance use disorders.
- See more at: http://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder#sthash.d5BfBcoa.dpuf