Stuck in a rut
Hi there. Im 43 married with one child (3 years old) and live in Melbourne Australia and feel like Im treading water in my life right now.
A couple of years ago I was effectively banned from operating in my profession in extremely dubious circumstances, and as a result lost my business and ability to do something I was pretty good at doing. Losing my business has taken a huge toll, and not only have a lost the ability to earn good $$ but the freedom that comes with running your own business, and Im now in a boring 9 - 5 job working with people half my age earning fairly average money just so I can pay the mortgage and bills.
Im trying to remain positive but all of this but it effected every aspect of my life - my emotional state, my marriage and relationship with my wife, my finances and even my general outlook on life - how do i get shut down for something so minor when there are complete crooks out there who continue to operate in the same field I was in (financial services) untouched..?? Life just isn't fair sometimes...
I'm trying to 'ride things out' and hope my life improves but find my day to day job a real grind. Whilst my wife is a nice person she is from overseas and its really up to me to be the breadwinner which i find frustrating also. There are options - like selling our house and moving overseas to try in the same field i was in but my wife does not want to do this. She wants to have another baby and also wants a stable man who works 9 - 5 and pays the bills. Im doing this at the moment but am just finding it so hard feeling I have been dealt an unfair blow and feel very down having gone from starting and running my own business to now sitting in an office all day stuck in front of a computer screen all day. Theres also my sons future to consider, and I know if I can keep our house it will set him up down the track but at what cost to my mental health?
Just not sure what to do - do me and my wife go our separate ways and sell the house and I try starting out again overseas?, do I stay in my job and just suck it up and start taking anti depressants? Do I have another child? any advice appreciated thanks
It depends on how much you love and respect your wife and vice versa. Your wife should realize that for her to prosper, you need to prosper as well and you can't when you're in the doldrums. You guys already have one child and for your wife to want another while in the state that you're in is not a good idea. While you have sat down and thought of a way to assist you to be happy in your career life, your wife needs to be supportive if she considers you to be the breadwinner. While you consider an overseas move to regain your career and have the freedom to run your own business, your wife is on another page. She wants a stable man with a 9-5 regime but you're not that and she needs to realize this. If she's from overseas, and depending on where she's from and her culture, her perspective of life in Australia could seem pretty rosy to her and this would obviously contribute to her reluctance to start again elsewhere.
Some people will judge you and say that you need to man up and cop it on the chin and remember your marriage vows(and they flow both ways) but you won't be much of a man on anti depressants. In fact, it will gradually grind you down to nothing where you will lose the will to do anything. What's the use of considering your son's future when you are trying to provide a better one for him now and not really succeeding? Your greatest challenge is get your wife to see that for her and your son to be happy you have to be happy as well.
Forget about your past, it's for learning from, not dwelling in and while you state you try to stay positive, your post reeks negativeness if you read between the lines. This will be apparent in everything you do and say and flow through your personality while you're stuck in your rut. While you hope things will improve as they are, you well know that it's up to you to start the process to solve the issue.
While you state your wife is a nice person, you need to ask yourself if you are in love with her or are you treading water with her as well. Can you really leave her and your son and re-locate successfully if she refuses to go with you?
Thanks so much MANALONE for your reply. You have summed up my situation objectively and given me lots to think about. I'm not sure what the future holds for me or my family - I am going to try and 'man up' as you put it for now, and reassess things towards the middle of 2016. but in the interim i need to make it clear to my wife that this is not the life I want as you are right I cant be a good husband, or father/role model if i am not happy. Your spot on with life in Australia in her eyes being 'pretty rosy' and in her eyes any job is a job and one should be thankful. I'm just not programmed that way. I hope that we can work through some of these differing views me and my wife have, and I'm going to give us time to do so but I've got some serious decisions to make in the not to distant future. Thanks again for your reply much appreciated.
I'd just like to add something.
If your wife is a stay-at-home mum, particularly to an only child sans automatic stimulation from constant siblings, then she daily faces the kind of grind and tedium (practical, intellectual and emotional), no matter that it's worthwhile in the longer run and features 'fun spots' here and there, that makes yours look like a pleasing walk in the park on a sunny day... not to mention the fact that hers is 24/7 in terms of being constantly 'on-call'. No clocking on at 9 and clocking at 5 for her. NO RELIEF.
That, my friend, is what you CALL a daily grind. I imagine your office and computer look mightily appealing to her.
This, probably, will be influencing her opinion as to what your own attitude should be regarding just doing what needs to be done in the now, watching neither the clock or calendar, to put bread on the table?
If your job is boring then how's about trying to redress the work-fun balance with what accountants(zzzz) (must) do, and take up some sort of exciting or stimulating hobby? That, I think, is what's lacking in your life: FUN.
If you're getting the big spondoolichs you tend not to mind that you're too stressed or knackered to be a busy bee, socially, rather than slobbing around the house all weekend. Same applies the other way 'round.
Your happiness does not rely solely on your job, in other words. That you obviously view it that it does is what's behind the problem, here. And if you could even conceive of leaving your son (or wife for that matter) then that shouts out loudly that you need to spend more time interacting with him in order to enjoy a stronger bond.
Try it, Sam-I-Am, you might lik-NAY, LOVE it.