How do I act now that shows how remorseful I am?
My husband and I have been married 13 years, together for a total of 20. I have always had poor self esteem from an unhappy childhood. This has left me believing for the 20 year we have been together that I was never good enough for him. I looked to him for my self worth, which I know now is wrong. He has done nothing but try and support me, make my life better than my childhood, try and help me to be the person I want to be.
But my issues were more than his love alone could fix. I lied all the time to cover what I feared were my shortcomings, things I thought he would disapprove of. Things that made me look imperfect. I always strove for perfection and always fell short. Mothering, cooking, housecleaning, communication. You name it.
I wracked up debt and hid it from him. I made up white lies to cover for little things I had forgotten to do. I played games instead of telling him how I felt. I even tape recorded him in his car to hear what he was talking about to his friends
Now he is fed up and ready to leave me. I gave him almost no reason to stay. We are emotionally and physically divorced from one another. He wants to keep working on our relationship before he calls it quits. Even after all that.
I love him so much it hurts. Being so separate and distant from him is killing me. I finally understand how bad I made things for him now. And after 20 years I feel like I am finally ready to make real change in my life for him.
I am in counseling for my issues. But I don't know how to act on a daily basis with him. How can I show my sincere regrets and start to make up for what I have done? I have no self confidence and feel guilty around him all the time. Please help with some advice. Me acting the way Ian is only pushing him further away. I want him back as my husband and a life that fulfills us both.
Perhaps a separation is in order.
You need time to really sort out your life and what you want.
You have self-sabotaged this relationship for so long, it will take to heal it. But that will require a lot of therapy for you.
In the meantime, it's no good for you to be in a marriage where you feel guilty, not good enough, remorseful and full of regrets.
(Which makes me wonder if he's all that "wonderful" since you didn't have much of a role model in your childhood for making good decisions for yourself.)
That keeps coming back. And I'm afraid if I pull away I will lose him forever. He really is what I described. No one is perfect by far. But I knew what I was looking for. And he was it.
He is willing to stay and work it out, so long as I get help. And take responsibility for my actions rather than just say oh well, that's how I am or blaming in on not having a mother or a good father or whatever.
I have stopped taking him for granted. Words don't work for how sorry I am. If he knew I think it would help.
But I don't know how v
Trust has to be earned. That takes time. All you can do it be your best one day at a time.
But this is not all about HIM. You just need to find out why precious things in your life and opportunities have not been held sacred to YOU.
Don't you think you deserve this "wonderful" man?
Deep down, no I don't.
And now that he has backed away, it's worse. I had unknowingly put all my happiness eggs in one basket and now it's gone and I'm lost.
I have great motivation to work on my issues. But it's hard without loving support, feeling as lonely and sad as I do.
It sounds sad and pathetic, but except for a very successful career, he is literally all the rest of what I have.
Going out and finding a life is almost impossible feeling the way I do. I can't remember the last day when I didn't cry like a baby.
I appreciate your candor. I need to hear that.
I just want to feel better. It's a horrible way to live