His gambling is destroying me
I've tried for over two years to help him, but my husband of 6 years refuses to stop. He's gambled paychecks, student loan money, tax returns; he's lost two vehicles to title loan places, and cost me a checking account from his issue. On top of all of this, I've had to retrieve multiple items from pawn, and nearly lost our home due to his lying about rent/bills/money.
He's told me his reasoning is that he's worried about money, or that I'm not providing him with what he needs sexually, etc. It's textbook habitual,and I've been accused of being a verbally abusive spouse by him because I get so upset when I find out yet something ELSE he's lost or spent or, well, you get the picture.
I'm not abusive, I know this, but he's using it against me, and it's starting to make me bitter. But when I have no choice but to control all the money to make sure my life doesn't go down the crapper because he can't handle anything short of $5 without doing something wreckless, I feel as though he does have grounds to be angry, right until the next time he loses a paycheck and the cycle starts all over again.
I've filed for divorce, for the third time, after stopping the proceedings twice on his word that I can trust he is changing. But for the sake of our three small children having a home to live in and at least one parent to care for them at all times, I've decided enough is enough.
My question is not "am I doing the right thing". I'm certain of it this time. What I wonder is, can he ever change, or should I stop giving false hope to myself? I do love him, and I've done everything I know of to try and help. I don't like feeling like the bad guy, and I want to cry every time I think about what I'm doing, even knowing it's the only course left to me if I want my family to survive.
You asked: What I wonder is, can he ever change?
Well, yes, but it doesn't seem to want to. In fact, he blames it all on you - (like most addicts do, they must blame others for their predicament.)
Take care of yourself. Go thru with your commitment to yourself and your children.
There's no telling how far he will go before he hits his bottom. But at least he won't be taking you and the kids with him.
Yeah, I was aware of the blame thing. "Textbook Habitual" unfortunately, as I said. I just wish there were a definitive way to KNOW that they have in fact made the decision to be different. *sigh* False hopes of a dreamer, I guess. And sadly, there's no off-switch for my feelings, either.
In a way, the only hope here is with you. And that's a good thing.
His gambling is not the problem, it's your inability to get away from him that's the problem. Which is what you want. You want the problem to be in your hands. And it is.
Once he gets wind of your leaving, he swings into action, and you are captivated by his promises to do better.
You have to figure out a way to get out of the situation without then having to listen to his pleas, which you fall for every time. It's a game, and he plays that game better than you do.
It's the game of, "I'll wait till she threatens to leave, then I'll talk her out of it." And he does, and he wins.
Have some sort of order where he's not to talk to you once you've made your decision. He can contact you through your lawyer, but he cannot contact you. He can ask you a question through your lawyer, and you can reply if you wish, but he cannot contact you directly.
I know, there's probably a law, you can't do that, but ask your lawyer anyway. Since you have kids, he can always come around wanting to know about the kids, and then get into a one on one conversation with you, where nobody else hears, and he pleads with you to come back.
Try to never be a room alone with him, so he can't go into his speal. If he comes to visit and he knocks on the door, don't open the door. If he doesn't leave in a reasonable amount of time, call the police and let him tell the police why he didn't leave in a reasonable amount of time.
It will be very difficult to keep him from visiting and getting into a one on one contact with you. But that's the difference between getting away from him and not.
Well, here is one problem I know that keeps happening that I'm unable to stop. Unfortunately, I can't jeopardize my job, or his, (daycare is FREAKING EXPENSIVE!) but we both work for the same company. Likewise, I've agreed to drive him, as he has no family or friends to speak of that could drive him daily. (we live in a completely different town, and have to drive in to work). Also, he is living in the house until I finalize the divorce. He has no claim on it or the car because they're both still in my father's name *thankfully*, they're the only things he can't barter away. But since he's been living there, he can't be "evicted" without a reason to believe he's posing a threat to me or the kids. Hard to prove that he's a psychological threat, I've tried. So I'm standing on my resolve, on this one. And as soon as I can force it, I will be removing him from the home. Until the final papers are worked out, though, it'll be an ongoing issue for me to deal with.