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My fiancé doesn't like that I am opinionated

Posted by
CHARLIE1234
on Oct 28 2015 at 21:19
Member since: 28 October 2015
Relationship advice It partner and I have been together for just over 2 years and recently got engaged. A year ago I moved 200 odd miles to set up home with him in a very different part of GB and I am finding it very different culturally which seems to be putting a wedge between us.

They are very patriotic and what I, and many others consider to be racist, terms are used on a regular basis which I struggle with.

We have had this discussion and apparently you can tell just by my facial expressions that I am unimpressed and it concerns him as I can ruin the atmosphere etc

For example, we have been invited to his friends this weekend for a Halloween get together, but he is worried that someone might upset me or say the wrong thing which is going to make him paranoid all evening and he won't be able to relax. (Just to be clear I have never actually said anything to anyone in these situations).

He himself is currently suffering with depression and anxiety and I know this is contributing to his worries, however this evenings conversation has lead to is now being in separate rooms and not speaking.

I have explained to him that I will not change how I feel and the reason why my facial expressions are probably so strong is that the language shocks me! I am not used to hearing words they use and I don't like it.

What makes it worse is his parents use the language too, but apparently, so he says, it's just a way of describing someone and is not meant in a racist way!

Any advice would be gratefully received.

My fiancé doesn't like that I am opinionated

Reply from
NKATFRAZZLED
on Oct 28 2015 at 22:29
Member since: 28 October 2015
Coming from a backwater area, I understand how your fiance feels. To him, it's normal, and most likely is NOT meant in a derogatory manner. This is terribly hard to explain to someone who's not from the area. It depends on the language being used, but there are places in the world, —just take a stroll down the inner-city neighborhoods,— where terms like "cracker" or "nigger" are commonly used, for example. It DOES NOT MEAN that the people saying them are racist. It's just descriptive. Is it shocking to hear? Absolutely. Does it make it wrong? It may depend on the situation and the company.

And before anyone says I'm defending racism, I am not. But culture changes, whether it's 50 miles or 1000 miles. What happens in a city is backwards as hell in the country. The way country people talk would confuse the bejeezus out of the local city folk. Take someone from L.A. California, drop them into Kentucky for a week, sit back, and watch the fun!

Accepting your fiance means you will have to accept ALL of him, or not follow through. The question you have to ask yourself is, can you spend the rest of your married life tuning it out unless confrontation is ACTUALLY necessary? Can you learn to discern between actual racism, and local colloquialisms? It's harder for him to understand that you're confused than for him to change the way he speaks, or the entire town, for that matter. In this, it will be necessary for YOU to be the one who bends, or break it off.

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