So I got up the courage to ask my mom if anything ever happened to me when I was younger. I'd asked her a year ago when I but I had this really vivid dream about me being molested. The setting didn't make any sense so I pushed it out of my mind and forgot about it especially when she said no. Today I asked her again. I told her that I have a lot of the symptoms of someone who has repressed memories.
I told her what I remembered and that a lot of stuff was fuzzy.
I had an uncle who came to stay with us when I guess I was 10. I think he stayed for like three months. He was an alcoholic. Possibly a drug addict. Just rumors. He was definitely a woman beater. That I know for sure. The most I remember about that time is how he smelled. And how I hated it. How I walked past him in my underwear one time and the way he looked at me. I remember throughout my childhood how I hated hugging him because it made me so uncomfortable and I didn't know why. I remember too how he was always excited to see me versus any of his other nieces.
My mom basically told me that she can't recall ever leaving me alone at home with him but that doesn't mean he was never alone with me at all. She told me that he used to come in her room when my Dad wasn't there and talk to her. I didn't ask what he talked about. She told my Dad and he stopped but she said he might have done the same with me.
I told her that I felt like I was missing something and that I don't blame her or Dad. She said she was sorry and to trust my instincts.
Right now I struggle with depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety. I've always been wary of men my whole life and when I started dating anytime a guy would touch me in an intimate way I would feel disgusted. Sometimes even when I guy I know hugs me I'll feel trapped and a little claustrophobic.
I can't help thinking it's connected somehow. Me and my Dad don't have a good relationship so I can't ask him about this. I know I shouldn't drive myself crazy worrying about it but it's all I can think about now. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it but my appointment is a month away. Plus I'm scared to bring it up. I'm not even sure how to bring it up.
For sure, something IS wrong and troubling you. - including that it was your mother who was abused and you witnessed that.
Call your therapist and insist on an earlier appt.
I don't think she was abused. He just violated her privacy. At least that's way I understood it. I never remember seeing this go on though. I can't make my appointment sooner. The army healthcare system sucks.
“I had an uncle who came to stay with us when I guess I was 10. I think he stayed for like three months. He was an alcoholic. Possibly a drug addict. Just rumors. He was definitely a woman beater.”
A man like that was allowed to roam the house of a 10 year old girl, for 3 months?
Why? and why did he "have" to stay there?
The man entered the bedroom of your mother without her husband there in the house, and that was stopped immediately, of course. But the same man was allowed to stay in the same house with a 10-year-old girl who can't defend herself?
What was what about?
“I told her that I felt like I was missing something and that I don't blame her or Dad. She said she was sorry and to trust my instincts."
What do you feel like you’re missing?
“Right now I struggle with depression, suicidal ideation, and anxiety. I've always been wary of men my whole life and when I started dating anytime a guy would touch me in an intimate way I would feel disgusted. Sometimes even when I guy I know hugs me I'll feel trapped and a little claustrophobic."
You will probably learn more about any such situation when your mind thinks you can handle it. When you're far enough away from the situation that you won't be devastated.
Like at 20, you might wake up in the middle of the night and bam! there it is. When you're old enough and strong enough to handle it, your brain will tell you what happened.
My brain did that as a way of protecting me when I had strong suspicions that my wife was cheating on me. My unconscious clamped down on my conscious and would not let it figure it out, for we had a 3-year-old at the time, and were buying a house together, and my mind could not conceive of the family being broken up for those reasons.
Live in hell, but don't break up the family. I can even rem. saying to myself a number of times, "Well at least she didn't have an affair. She didn't have an affair. She had about 2,000 episodes of sex outside the marriage. But my mind would not let me figure that out, for it would be too much for me and we had a child to raise, and a house to finish paying for.
She died of a long illness, and when I came home from the funeral, I listened to the silence in the house, and realized she's not coming back, it's always going to be this quiet.
Then I said, "You can think about anything you want," and you can come to any conclusion you want, for their won't be any penalties."
I thought, "I want to think about whether she had a affair." And my uncon. released its grib on my conscious and allowed me to think about that and figure it out to be best of my abilities, and come to any conclusion I wanted, for our child was now grown, and the monster was out of the house and couldn't retaliate if I came to the wrong conclusions that upset the monster, and derailed my dreams.
I thought a line of circumstances that led to the obvious, and I thought for the first time in 29 years from when all of this started, "She did have an affair," a thought that was foreign to me for almost 30 years, although I was aware it was a strong possibility, but I could not dare think it.
From there, I proceeded to figure out, since there was no penalty for figuring anything out, she didn't one affair with one guy, she a bunch of them, several times a week, for 16 years, for over 2,000 instances.
Once I figured out the first affair, the dominoes fell, and an entire new world was opened to me, one which I could not have faced or handled if I had realized it while the monster was still alive and goals were yet to be reached.
My mind let me reach the goals first, and then at first opportunity, when I could handle it without losing it, and with it my goals, it let my conscious mind figure out the puzzle. I could feel the grip being released, 15 seconds after walking into the house after the funeral.
I didn't see that grip on my mind for 29 years before then.
The say, people who are held captive believe whatever their captives believe, for survival purposes. If they are released, they don't believe anything their captives said.
Here below is a column on being positive when trying to solve a problem that has helped me.
You are one strong individual.
Here below is the column on being positive, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.
So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re presented with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
“Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”