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How to get her back

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I have been in a long distance relationship for several months..We talked on the phone everyday for hours and or texted. We were in the direction of getting very serious but she had cold feet the last few months because of previous abusive relationships(metal abuse).. She would always walk away but come back.... This time she went away again and instead of giving her space I smothered her really bad due to my insecurities.. She told me I reminded her of her ex and to have a nice life... I reacted badly and said something really mean to her.... How do I fix this, I believe she blocked me from most point of contact.... I know I should wait a few weeks at least to reach out to her but what do I say to her then to show her I am not like her ex.?? There is more to the story but I will start with this..

How to get her back

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Well, if you compare the effects of abuse as a contagion, it sounds to me like she's still carrying her ex's infection, to the point of having cross-infected YOU. In other words, she sounds more the abusive one to me. To wit:

- "She would always walk away but come back". This is an emotional threat to your emotional equilibrium and welfare known as 'waving ones Sword of Damocles'. 'Do as I say/want or the puppy gets it!', basically (the puppy being the badly wanted relationship and said welfare of yours). Do that enough times and you can send the most normally level-headed lover fairly fruit-loopy (because it's emotional cruelty).

- "She told me I reminded her of her ex" - abusive (ditto emotional blackmail). 'Shut-up/stop what you're doing or you're proving you're as abusive as my ex!'.

- "I reacted badly and said something really mean to her" - that you recognise it was mean and feel badly about it - to point of saying so to yourself and in front of 'everyone' here - and that it was said in reaction to something she said/did, goes some way to indicating how this state of mind and behaviour is unlike your normal self.

- "she blocked me from ****most**** point[s] of contact" - but not all (funny, that, despite 'have a nice life' normally has accompanying actions to match it). She's playing power bid games.

...And that's because she had hers stripped from her by the ex, meaning, she needs to get it back the fastest way possible. Plus, this is her way of restricting your future movements as her insurance against ever waking up to find she's back in bed with her ex. Since the original power-stripping source is no longer available, that means, from you. She's getting a kick out of your being at her mercy. Not saying she doesn't have feelings for you, but this still-reactive need of hers is interfering. (It was too soon for her to enter another relationship, PARTICULARLY a long-distance one, given how if the relationship is intense they're especially hard on the heart and ones normal, natural sense of control over proceedings. She must have opted for LD as a way of keeping you at arm's length.)

I'm sure you can't have 'reminded her of her ex' all the way through the relationship or else, what with her seeming sensitivity, it stands to reason she'd have stayed 'walked away' the first or second time. It's not like she's only known you since walking away (*seemingly* for good this time). Plus she's already had experience of how you normally behave on all prior occasions - right? So it's neither fair nor warranted to imply you're no different when, put under that kind of duress and threat to ones personal emotional welfare within the context of a badly-wanted relationship, ANY man or woman might behave accordingly. Or is she telling me the Richard Gere character in Pretty Woman get his chauffeur to drive over to Julia Roberts' character's flat and shimmy his Acrophobic way up her fire-escape just because he was abusive?

Nay. Just in-love thus fighting desperately - repeat, desperately - for what felt like his (emotional) survival in terms of his quality of future life.

Wait for as long as it takes for HER to get back in contact, would be my very strong advice. You do the chasing AGAIN - at WHATEVER point - and you'll end up, a year from now, being told thing like, if you don't put your shoes "there" instead of "there" you'll be proving you're "just like the ex".

She knows you want her back. She knows you're not an abuser in Situation Normal, not even *Negative* Situation Normal, despite ONCE (dubious) at Crunch Time, like too many other human beings. Either she'll calm down, remember these facts and see sense or she won't. If she won't/can't, you've dodged a bullet because BASICALLY she'll have proven she's trying to play pass-the-parcel with her ex's package of toxins.

She might even be getting a boost from having for once managed to do the ending-it. However, that won't last. It only aids ones self-esteem if the dumper were wholly justified. Otherwise it's Guilty Central in Kick Yerself City.

Do nothing and let her prove she's ready for a relationship by if and what she does next. At the VERY most you could send her a VERY BRIEF email, saying you accept her decision, are very sad about that and probably will be for quite a while [keep it vague], but respect her decision so wish her every happiness for her future. (I doubt very much the ex would have been capable of accepting anything anyone aside from himself wanted, do you?)

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