The thoughts just won't go!
For the past several months, maybe even a few years now that I think about it, I have been having these thoughts running rampage in my mind, and they are staring to wear me down to pieces. No matter how hard i try to get rid of them, they just won't oblige, and keep reappearing all the time. They won't leave me alone, and it's gettin frustrating.
(Before I dwelve any further, just let me say that I have done one of these posts before, but that one never really explained much. So that's why I'm writing this one. I am 15 years old, a male, and these thoughts are ripping me apart!)
Again, these thoughts strated about a few years ago, I'm not really sure, but it's been a while, and ever since, they have never left me alone. I have to admit, the first time i had these thoughts, I thought I was acting crazy, But, now, at this moment, the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to these are true thoughts. And, they ARE true! This feeling that I have deep down, is leading me towards one direction... That I'm... gay.
I don't really act gay, if someone can really "act" gay, but I know I am. I can't really explain it, but the feeling that i am holding, never left since the moment these thoughts approached. Now, me being gay may not be so bad, if it weren't so hard to freaking tell anyone about my sexuality. I don't know how to even begin the conversation, because I can't say "Hey, I'm gay," since that's not really the right approach.
This is so frutrating to deal with! Why wasn't i born normal? Like the rest of my family? God creates everyone in his image, is what I have always followed, and he loves everyone. But males liking other males is no what God had intended. From the very beginning, it was a man (Adam) and a woman (Eve.)
I'm stuck... Don't know what to do! Don't know what to think, except me being abnormal from everyone else.
First off, being gay doesn't mean you're not normal! People have been gay throughout history, born like that and it doesn't mean that they are/were bad people!
If you're totally sure you are gay it's probably taken time to work this out and it'll probably take longer to accept it and be comfortable with it.
I personally don't believe in literal interpretations of religion but for those who do maybe god fully intended to create you as gay, remember the bible and it's interpretations are from people and could be lost in translation. Living a good life, helping others and so on should be the main thing, not your sexuality.
Ps if possible, talk to somebody, a professional. Thoughts in your head can be difficult. I had/have OCD and I didn't get help for over ten years, when I did I had CBT and my life is WAY better!
I know your situation is different but don't underestimate the value of just unloading your thoughts on someone who is impartial!
Thanks JohnCoop for the response. I appreciate what you said.
"If you're totally sure you are gay it's probably taken time to work this out and it'll probably take longer to accept it and be comfortable with it."
I am sure that I'm gay, which is what my thoughts are all about. They're all linked to this one boy, who I met a few years ago in Middle School (8th Grade.) He was in none of my classes, so I didn't know much about him, besides the fact that he was male. And that was about it. That year was pretty hard, because it was the start of my never ending thoughts, and I was 13 at the time, so it was confusing. Now, 2 years later, the thoughts still haven't left, my liking to this boy, still hasn't gone away, which left me to the conclusion that I'm gay.
This year (10th Grade) he is my one of my classes, which intensifies my liking towards him. We don't normally talk to each other, mostly because I'm extremely shy, but this feeling I have becomes greater every time I look at him.
Another thing you said:
"Ps if possible, talk to somebody, a professional."
Nobody knows about my thoughts. 2 years, I haven't told anyone. I'm too afraid of their response, even if it is a professional, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that everybody will look at me differently, like a freak. Like I don't belong. Especially for the boy I like, what will he think? Things will never be the same if I tell anyone close, or far from me.
You really make progress in your own post.
You start off by saying,
"For the past several months, maybe even a few years now that I think about it, I have been having these thoughts running rampage in my mind, and they are staring to wear me down to pieces. No matter how hard i try to get rid of them, they just won't oblige, and keep reappearing all the time. They won't leave me alone, and it's gettin frustrating."
And then you say the thoughts are, "That I'm gay."
Then you say,
"I can't really explain it, but the feeling that i am holding, never left since the moment these thoughts approached. Now, me being gay may not be so bad..."
Whoa, you've already solved the problem in your own post. You say, "Now me being gay may not be so bad...."
You've already come to terms with that. You've already solved the issue.
Now the issue is not that you believe you are gay, but rather, "Now, me being gay may not be so bad, if it weren't so hard to freaking tell anyone about my sexuality. I don't know how to even begin the conversation, because I can't say "Hey, I'm gay," since that's not really the right approach."
So you're already past what you said was your original problem. Now it's just a matter of, how do you inform people of that? I agree, that could be a problem.
The gays I've known didn't say anything about it. They moved to a gay community, and people just kind of figured it out on their own, and nobody basically brought it up. Same with heterosexual couples. Nobody ever brings it up that they fuck. It's a subject that's off-base. Same thing with homosexuals. You don't bring it up.
So you don't ever have to bring it up.
Most people are heterosexual, and it would be difficult if you're not among the majority. But it's just something that you have, and you have to deal with it the best you can. Just like if you're not real smart, you have to deal with that. There's a lot of things in life you have to deal with. Like getting fired from a job, like I have. You have to deal with it. Like, getting fired from a lot of jobs. I have to deal with that. Like being manic-depressive, like I am, and most people aren't mentally ill. I have to deal with that.
And like being a diabetic, and I can't get my blood sugar down, and people telling me I could get complications from diabetes, and I can't get my blood sugar down, I have to deal with that. Like being a senior citizen, and the problems that can bring, so I have to deal with that.
What's helped me is a column on being positive when trying to solve a problem. I don't have to like the fact that I have a problem, but I need to believe that I can solve the problem, by being positive, mentally, that I can solve this problem that has occurred. Prior to reading the column, I had a negative unconscious that was tripping me up, turning down any solutions my conscious came up with. Turning down what were good solutions. I had to re-program my neg. unconscious, by saying over and over, "Think positive, think positive..." when I was trying to come up with solutions to try and solve the problem. Trying to strike down my neg. unconscious.
Oh, the column that reached me and made me a better problem solver is by a woman. Hey, no way, hell no. It's supposed to be a man's world. I don't give a shit what it's supposed to be. If a man was so smart, why didn't he write the column? Because he's stupid.
As I get older, I appreciate women more and more and more.... Not for their sex, but for their femininity. I was roughed up my a male doctor, a male psychiatrist who gave me bad advice about 15 years ago, and I haven't had anything to do with them since. Haven't had a male doctor since, if I could get out of the room quick enough.
I don't need anymore male expertise, which turned out to be a pile of shit trying to dominate rather than helping the patient. Give me the woman's touch anytime.
Here's Niki Scott, who changed my life. I might have to include it in the next post below this one, cause I don't have it with me.
Here below is the column on being positive, mentioned at the end of the post above this one, that has helped me. Unconsciously, I was negative and didn't know it because it was in my uncon., but for some reason I had difficulty solving problems.
When I came across this col. below, on being positive going into a problem, I knew what my problem had been: con., I wanted to solve the problem, but uncon., I was neg., and until the 2 parts of my brain could work together, I wasn't going to solve a lot of problems.
This col. helped me to train my uncon. to be positive. Prior to my next problem, I said to myself, just read this col. first. The problem is not the problem. The problem is your uncon. neg.
So I read the col. first, and by the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I had solved the problem, by first clearing my uncon. of neg. When away from the col., and I had a problem, I would say to myself, "Think positive, think positive...." again, trying to clear the neg. from my uncon.
Here's the col. below.
by Niki Scott
June 21, 1994
“We all know people who race around in small, futile circles whenever they’re presented with a problem to solve, and others who seem to be natural-born problem solvers—able to tackle obstacles, calmly, logically and effectively.
“Fortunately, being a good problem-solver is not a genetic trait. It’s a learned skill, one that can be learned at any age. If you want to improve your problem-solving skills, here are 10 steps that will help:
"The three most important things of a good problem solver are attitude, attitude, and attitude. If you think of obstacles as anxiety-producers and unfair burdens, you almost certainly aren't an effective problem solver."
“If you view obstacles as opportunities to gather new information, stretch your imagination, learn new coping mechanisms and achieve more control over your life on the other hand, you’re probably a problem-solving whiz.”
“Be an optimist. If your general outlook is pessimistic, you’re probably not a good problem solver. Facing every puzzle with the assumption that it’s probably unsolvable practically insures that it will be.”
“Happily, changing from a pessimist to an optimistic frame of mind isn’t as difficult was it might sound. Pessimism isn’t a genetic trait, either. It’s a habit of thought we learned as children—and can unlearn as adults.”
“Keep an open mind. Most problems have not just one solution, but many—and sometimes the best ones sound far-fetched or even bizarre at first.”
“Be flexible. Force yourself to give up old, outmoded ways of thinking or acting even though they’re comfortable. Experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly THEY become comfortable.”
“Believe in yourself—no matter what. If you believe you’ll be able to solve a problem, your chances of solving it double. Review your past successes—frequently!”
“Take one step at a time. We all want guarantees that our imagination, diligence and hard work will pay off, but good problem-solvers are able to concentrate on the job at hand and move toward their personal and professional goals without blueprints or guarantees of success.”
“Ask for the help you need. There’s no shame in needing help—only in being too self-conscious, too self-protective, too proud or stubborn to ask for it.
“Don’t ask for help you don’t need. Those of us who were taught as children to run to an adult whenever a problem arose, or encouraged in other ways to be helpless and dependent, may find ourselves automatically seeking help now when a problem arises—whether or not we really need it.
“Resist the temptation. Asking for assistance before we’ve honestly tried to solve a problem robs us of our dignity, self-respect and self-confidence—too high a price to pay. “
“Respect the process—not just it’s outcome. Never discount a learning experience just because you didn’t get an A+ on the test.”
“Regardless of whether you’ve been completely successful at solving any problem, working on it almost certainly has gained you valuable experience and insight—good tools to bring with you the next time you have problem to solve!”
“Finally, never hold the past over you own head. Learn what you can from your mistakes, give yourself credit for trying, then wipe the slate clean, quickly, and give yourself the same sympathy, understanding and encouragement that you’d gladly give to any friend.”