Confused over breakup
I am 43 and my boyfriend is 42. We met 8 months ago and started dating 7 months ago. We have a great friendship and a loving relationship. I have been abused in the past so i wasn't always the easiest to deal with but he was patient and kind to me. He promised to help me overcome my issues and he was there for me. We became close and talked of marriage and our future together. He wanted me to move in but i told him i wasn't ready. He respected that. He treated me like a queen and told me he loved me daily. He showered me with gifts and told me i was the best woman he had ever been with and he didnt want to lose me. I felt things were moving to fast so i told him i needed a break. He cried and we still talked. Then i find out in a week he had met someone new and was already asking her to move in! That devestated me. I feel abandoned and dont understand how a man can get with another woman a week after a breakup. We had a great relationship but did fight at times. I just need some advice and input on why he would do this.
First of all, I think it says a lot about your strength that you had the wisdom to want to take things slowly. It's really hard when you've been in abusive relationships to trust yourself to make the right decisions again. Maybe your instincts were leading you in the right direction...
If he met someone new and already asked her to move in after a week that may say something about his current state of mind or true intentions. Does he usually fall for people quickly? Does he hate to be alone? Did he say "I love you" very quickly? Think about it...he has asked two women to live with him in the span of 8 or 9 months. I think our instincts about people and situations are usually correct, so keep listening to yours.
Thank you for that. My friends tell me its a rebound. And he told me when i found out about her that he just wanted someone to spend time with.He does not like to be alone. And i do believe that he " falls in love " easily because he told me he loved me a month after we were together. I really thought i found the right guy. But he was a fast mover.
I've been where you've been. I've pushed ppl away and been hard to deal with because of how I've been treated in the past. I was physically and mentally abused by my husband and my now bf treats me like a queen but I put him through hell all the time. Question is what did u expect him to do? U pushed him away. Maybe he just wants to be happy and not alone. My suggestion would be for u to obtain therapy so u don't drag others through ur own hell. I don't mean to sound rude it's just that I relate.
Thank you, i have thought of that. It's only after you lose somebody that you realized what you had. Im beating myself up over it. I guess i just thought that he would stand by me like he said. And i was good to him also. Just that i never gave him 100 % and the moving in thing scared ne. I am working on myself now and trying to get through this. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and i lost him. Thank you again for responding. It really helps.
The fact that he would invite a new woman to move in within one week- should indicate that this was not the man for you (who does that)?
Is it possible that this woman was already on the scene and you just didn't know it?. This guy appears needy seems like he just wants a warm body.
As they say"live and learn" you've learn to take it slow not to rush and trust your feelings good for you.
Don't feel that you made a mistake, I think you avoided one.
Wow, his feelings for a woman based on who and what she is as opposed to any others out there are supposedly inter-changeable at the drop of a hat, aren't they? Or are they (dan-dan-DAAAN!!!).
MH: "I feel abandoned and dont understand how a man can get with another woman a week after a breakup."
who does that)?.....Is it possible that this woman was already on the scene and you just didn't know it?"
Bingo! Because certainly no-one with any sanity would agree to move in with a man after only 1 week from having met him from cold, least of all a member of the more cautious gender. If she did, she'd be agreeing to bunk up with what was basically a total stranger (who could be a flippin' serial killer for all she knew!). Anyone put *yourself* in those shoes and imagine hearing that proposition from a man within the first week of knowing him and not baulking.
So, yep, I'm with SK in terms of logic *based on appearances*.
Possible Conclusion 1:
[a] If they'd had no prior acquaintance then she has to be clinically insane. Or else there's desperation, but even that is taking the p*ss. Neither of those theories are realistically likely so [b] she either must be an also-ran, someone he'd been secretly two-timing with before eventually dropping - or putting on hold. But it's logical to suppose that in order to feel he COULD ask such an otherwise outrageous question, he and she would have to have passed the 3-4 month mark beforehand (and quite possibly kept warm ever since). [c] is similar: a still ex who'd been kept warm (attached) on the side (for even longer). Those two hypotheses would at least make SOME sense of a woman not taking such a grossly premature invitation as a giant Red flag and bailing out accordingly.
Possible Conclusion 2:
But, MH, it COULD all be BS. Male petty revenge. 'You're just a one in X, a warm body, TAKE THAT!'. After all, you do have to question the SOURCE of this information. And men do know how to harness a woman's sense of female-female competitiveness and territorialism, with themselves the obvious (unavoidable) trophy. Because, of course, if you've had to FIGHT for a prize, i.e. work very, very hard, you've mentally invested that much more in the prize, haven't you. And nobody likes to abandon an investment. They want to hang around it to see it pay out.
No, I don't think it's true 'bingo', I reckon it's 'aim, fire, BULLSEYE!'... just male BS or the 'worth a try' variety, called, Treat her mean to make her keen/keener, with the original news source doing him a favour of complicit-ness (for the power of good) or at worst showing their own gullibility. If, therefore, after seeing this little (massive) ploy fail to work, he fails to try some OTHER angle (e.g. I've just found out I've only got a week to live, LOL), then I'd have some fun, meself, and send him a fake wedding invitation (you and some gorgeous celebrity, LOL, just to make your point). But that's probably just me.
He's not q...uite as patient as he's saint looking and sounding, then, is he. Brace yourself for the chase or luring back 'stroke' hurry her up campaign Ploy Number *Two*.
Well done for not having actually bitten that line and hook, though. If he loves you he can just wait for you to catch up.
"Mennn!: yooou have longer lairgs and thairfoore a grreater strride. Bee more con-SID-erut to your lay-dez and slow DINE.
Wimm-ennn!: nort everything is airz it mate at fairst seem. Loook DEEPAH.
This hairs beeen a public servess annincement."
SOULMATE: BRAVO! BRAVO!
I would definitely would send the fake invitation, hubby to be wouldn't just be gorgeous, but DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!! LOL
SoulMate Thank you again for the Intelligent, Real, Honest Advice that is not only informative but Understandabl, digestible, Useful "brain food" that many of us were not fed as children. Brain space that held dust, air, empty storage locker, now gets clear rapid " keeping it 100" aka: No B*S,
information. Is there a way to make comments to you without using someone else' thread.
"that many of us were not fed as children"
Then that makes you my BABIES! [gaffaw-gaffaw]
No, there isn't, I'm afraid. The best method if you want to chat with anyone on the board is to use a 'mutual' thread that you can tell has run its course (the OP has failed for too long to reply). But it's better if you keep it brief and *don't* risk growing attached to anyone, for the sake of being capable of maintaining total objectivity on any level. Or there's the Chat Room. But I personally don't go there ("don't go down to the cellar", EE!-EE!-EE!) (joke).