Low libido, what should I do? :(
I have been coping with this certain problem in my life that has been bothering me ever since the start of a relationship I have engaged into with an absolutely wonderful girl. She is the girl of my dreams I would have never dared to imagine existing on this planet, truly. We are destined and we want to build up a life together. I love her from the bottom of my heart and from the deepest of my soul... But there is one thing that is just not right.
As soon as I got together with her, after having chatted with her through the internet, having met her thanks to my mother's acquaintance; all I wanted it for to meet her. So we went on a date together which turned out to be unforgettable for both of us. Two weeks later we had our first intimate scene at her place in bed... It was wonderful. The week after we also slept together and things got better and better. But as time passed, I noticed that she never really had a high libido of her own... I never imposed on her in the first place, so that's why I noticed. It turned out that she in herself, never really has a desire for me... On a sexual level. She's just not triggered by herself, as you would not really expect from a young, blossoming woman. Having discussed the issue I feel about this many times, we thought of things together. And she broke down to tears many times in my arms telling me that throughout her daily life, all that's being thrown in her face on tv and internet and whatnot is sex. But she says that she doesn't understand it, why people have such urges. Whereas she told me that when she was younger, she really had an 'appetite' for it strangely enough... Which is what pique's my curiosity ever so much. But her breaking down to tears all those times was not the only reason why she cried. It was also because she said she doesn't feel normal, like other people. Because she can't give me what I claim to miss so much in our relationship. And that because of this, she is so afraid that I will cheat on her eventually... Which is something I would never do.. All I truly want is to share my desire for her, with her, and only her. I told her that, straight in her face. I also told her that I do and cannot blame her for the way she is, that it's not a bad thing for her to be that way. And I truly think of it that way. But, as mentioned earlier, she told me that when she was younger she actually had that 'desire' a lot more. About that I have been questioning myself a lot lately... But I cannot fathom how or why it changed like that. considering the fact that she's a very healthy woman, taking good care of her body by eating good food and exercising on a daily basis. She is, however, quite tired in general. Every day she suddenly has this 'breakdown' of fatigue. And science explains that when women are tired, their libido drops drastically. So that could be an explanation of the whole 'issue'. But the other side of it, is that she doesn't 'understand' that desire people have for it. She told me once that 'a life without sex' wouldn't matter much different to her, because she does't have that kind of urge anyway... But then there's another thing. She only ever gets triggered out of the blue on days when she is ovulating, once a month. And then all of a sudden she becomes sexually aroused out of nowhere. Even when I am not there. And then she has the habit of helping herself, when I'm not there of course... But All of those factors are so contradictory to one another, which makes it even more difficult for me to fathom why things are the way they are. Aside from that, the emotional issue as a product from all of this on my side is destructive... It somewhat hurts me that I'm not really 'desired' by her, my life's companion. the one girl that loves me and I love her, like no one ever would or could as we both express to each other many times... I want to feel desired by her, I want her to seduce me out of the blue, just for once, because that's never happened before either... I want her to touch me, bite my ears gently, pinch my bottoms and whatnot imaginable there is left...I even have a certain, harmless and friendly fetish for her feet, but not even that is getting any attention whatsoever... I just feel unloved and held back. I just can't express that one thing I am unhappy about any more. I am afraid to address this particular topic with her, because I know it hurts her, gives her stress and makes her sad... I wish I had the courage after so many times to suggest certain things that might... 'help' to perhaps try to get her libido higher.. such as hypnosis or something... I am out of options or things to do, I just don't know any more... I just really felt the need to share the whole issue with someone, whoever might read this. Maybe if you would be so kind to give me some advice about something I could try or say or anything... I would really appreciate that a lot.
Thank you for reading this.
Insist that she get a physical.
Don't make any more plans for the future until this gets resolved. Just my opinion, based on posts here and stories from others who are living in sexually frustrating marriages.
I agree with SUSIEQQ-
Maybe she's not being satisfied by reaching an orgasm and because of this she then self pleasures herself which apparently gets the job done.
She says" she's tired" maybe this is an excuse to not put the effort into satisfying you.
She could have hormonal issue, how old is she? She could be in early stages of menopause which could effect her libido, so a medical physical is important.
I believe she needs to know what your sexual desires are, you need to know what if anything she is uncomfortable with.
Ask if she is willing to go into couple therapy, with a Sex Therapist that deals with sexual issues. There could be some underlining childhood issues she may need to deal with.
Sex is important in any relationship- both partners need to really communicate with each other.
Don't dismiss this and think "Love" will fix it.
Have her get a physical, of course. Also, talk to her. I went through a period in my life in which I had no desire to be intimate. Now, I no longer have that issue AT ALL. There is probably some psychological reason for her feeling this way - society tells women that we are not supposed to like sex, so many women deny those urges in order to be the "nice girl". And then we all get bombarded with sexual messages all the time. It's no wonder most women are confused. Let her know it's OK to feel the way she feels, but a conversation really needs to be started. Couples therapy can be a safe place to have these conversations, because she won't feel like you are pressuring her as much.
@ TAURUS05 - Thank you, that is a very helpful explanation. Recently I have been exploiting my thoughts and the help of someone to figure a plausible explanation for the 'problem'. Which in this case, is most likely psychological. That is, of course, only if our assumptions at this time are adequate to the situation. I will be having this conversation with her very soon. Thank you very much, I really appreciate your help!
Still shaking my head on this one. How old is this girl/woman? No disrespect meant, but she sounds extremely immature. When you LOVE someone, passion is naturally part of the equation. Perhaps you should ask her what type of love she has for you? There are many different kinds of love. I would love to hear her explanation or definition of Love. I doubt a Physical Exam would reveal her problem, but a Mental Exam would. Being deprived of love/lust/passion is a horrible way to live.
" When you LOVE someone, passion is naturally part of the equation."
Yup. But things can however much block it. Like the pill or - ref AK's advice - anything else that can affect ones delicate hormonal balance.
Umidorland, like everyone else here, I suspect she's a bit low on Testosterone and/or Androgens. Especially since this can cause lethargy (plus lowered muscle mass and mood). However, if I've learned anything in all my hmph-de-hmph years, it's that we're holistic beings, as such, subject to causes that likewise are holistic and require treating accordingly (certainly where time is of the essence like this). So she needs the regular **no-holds-barred chats with a sex therapist/counsellor AND the physical AND the gyno referral AND to look at her diet and daily environment.
That's a big mountain to be faced with climbing, which might only compound her lethargy by demotivating her at the outset. So she's going to need your active help (which clearly she'll get, you utter diamond, you!). But she should definitely start, as a process of elimination, with demanding her hormone levels be tested and at various points in the month, not just as a one-off, in which case I'd have thought it a good idea if you were to offer to (or manly-caringly insist on) accompany her to her surgery?
**HOWEVER... I also know that the brain feels it and its servant (body) expresses and finishes it, particularly for a (Like Attracts Like) female diamond who'd rather 'kick' herself than any cat... yet that, as marriage partners, either one can compound things for the other. Disease = Dis-EASE. So...
"As soon as I got together with her, after having chatted with her through the internet, having met her thanks to my mother's acquaintance"
Question: If she had already met you, AND via recommendation through a trusted source, how come those subsequent chats couldn't have been conducted in-person, on dates? Why the need to basically make you show you were friendly and benign all the way through, from such arm's length like that? Doesn't that, steps-wise, represent a second thoughts/realisation-based reversal (i.e. 'sh*t, I really like this guy, didn't think I would!')? And why also did you yourself 'try' to blur the otherwise clarity of order of events via your above choice of semantics like you've done? I'd say that was a huge Scooby clue, myself, about you already deeper-down sensing (fearing) what's what, wouldn't you? Her too...which explains why she won't allow you to go beyond a certain point of conversational delving before making you cease, using your sense of shame at making her cry or 'feel worse'.
The dis-ease in this case, I heavily suspect, is called, Trust Issues. You've got the trust as far as her outer onion layers, but, as for the core...?
" she is so afraid that I will cheat on her eventually"
'..., again...Like they ALL do'. Right?
"Every day she suddenly has this 'breakdown' of fatigue."
I take it you mean, every EVENING?
When you pair these observations with the fact she self-services (which, let's face it, she clearly needn't, considering if she told you she was in the mood you'd be round like a SHOT, right?), I think having been cheated on is psychologically holding her back and thus is ALLOWING her to 'cash in' on whatever physical anomaly already presents as a ready excuse in terms of making her feel a bit like a limp lettuce. After all, where was her sudden onset exhaustion, etc., in the first stage of your relationship?
Her mind told her to back off a bit - 'under the table' - because at that point, with feelings AS WELL as attraction, you suddenly became a potential danger too far, too soon. I'm not SURPRISED she'd tired, therefore. Unwittingly or otherwise, what with diamonds being a girl' (or anyone's) best friend and adding desire atop it, she's fighting conflictual urges, left, right and centre! That, mate, left long enough, will ugger up *anyone's* physical system.
Your alternative solution is to grit your teeth, bide your time until, inexorably and inevitably, you'll have passed her new, "squeaky-clean-tenure as proof" gauntlet-run. I imagine it'll be worth the wait even MORE than in the first few weeks, as well, because this one's heart is accessed too easily via her knickers (despite she'd refute that if asked)... which is precisely why her self-protective instinct won't let her go there (yet) and has donned an indirect chastity belt.
(PS: Just how many bottoms do you HAVE? ;-D)