Struggling with accepting my partner's past
Alright, so, I'm in a wonderful relationship with a guy who I am so insanely in love with. I've never loved someone so much in all my life. He is literally the light of my world. We've been together nearly a year now and we definitely plan on spending the rest of our lives together (I know some may think that this is rushed or foolish to assume such things now, but we feel confident in our love for each other).
Obviously this is not where the problem lies...
In the beginning of our relationship, we were open about our previous relationships, but he kept it pretty vague. He told me that he had a few girlfriends here and there, but one, he had on and off for a few years. With this girl, he told me that he had sex with her.
He's older than me, so I really wasn't too shocked to find this out and I honestly never thought that it would bother me.
After some time and some questioning by me, he admitted to having sex with her only once. He claims to have regretted it and known it was a mistake immediately after it happened. He claims that she somewhat offered herself in efforts of saving the relationship which was going down-hill due to the long distance. I accepted this...for some time, then I decided to find out a little more, simply because I was curious.
He then admitted to having sex with her two times after the first time. This newly revealed information caused me to wonder if this event was something that he even regretted, considering that if one REALLY regrets something, they usually avoid doing it again, let alone 2 more times.
He has told me that it meant nothing. He only did it because she offered and how he didn't want to hurt her feelings. How it's hard to turn down sex with your girlfriend when the opportunity presents itself. How she ultimately meant nothing to him. He didn't really love her. How I mean so much more to him than any other person on this planet. How he's never felt the way he does about me with anyone else.
I fully believe that his feelings for me are far beyond anything he's ever felt for anyone else. I do. And I understand that he had no idea I even existed every time he decided to have sex with this girl.
But, for some reason, I just can't seem to get over it.
I was a virgin before my relationship with him. Virginity was something that I truly valued. It hurts to know that some other girl got to claim his virginity, when it really should have been mine (considering he and I are to be married in the future). I have given him the most special thing a person can offer another, their virginity, but he has given his to someone else.
His past won't seem to leave my mind and it's been torturing me for awhile now. It hurts me so much to know that the person I love most has shared the most special thing one can share with someone else other than me. I can't stop envisioning them together. It brings me to tears nearly every time the thoughts pop into my head.
I love him so much and I hate bringing up these struggles because I know they only make him feel horribly guilty.
I know that this problem lies within me and that it is solely up to me to move past this. I just don't know how.
I'm sorry for this long read, but I feel like our relationship and future is in danger because of this.
I need some advice on how to move forward.
I think you should really " Get Over Yourself".Your insecurities and your need to reassure your self worth by fixating about your BF past regarding his life choices at the time when he did not even know you, shows immaturity on your part. To become jealous to the point that you say:
"I feel like our relationship and future is in danger because of this" "I know the problem lies within me and it's up to me to move past this"
Your'e right there is nothing he can do to fix his past to suit you. If Ones Virginity was something you valued above all then it would be unfair of you to marry this man because you feel "he betrayed you when he did not EVEN KNOW YOU! His EX did not "claim" anything this is your spin, the fact he he chose to have sex with her because he wanted to- period. GROW UP!
You might give him your virginity, but you're also giving him Grief which in time he will become tormented by you because you feel better when you can make him "feel horribly guilty to feed your insecurities. Love is not being judgmental, Love is being understanding, Love is putting the other person's feelings above yours!
All of our experiences is the sum total of who we are TODAY.
Believe me, I understand that this is unfair to him. I understand that it's wrong of me to feel this way. That's why I've stopped bringing this problem to him. There's nothing he can do about what happened and me bringing it up only causes him guilt. That's why I'm on here.
I just need some advice on HOW to overcome these negative feelings. I don't know how to get over this feeling of hurt.
These things you have told me are much easier said than done. I need advice on how to combat this problem. Not to be ripped down even more. I do appreciate your input though.
I agree,you need to deal with these insecurities before they take this relationship away from you. There is nothing more unappealing that someone who is insecure. If he cheated on you with another woman and had sex with her, I could understand. But you were not even together at the time.
I had other partners before my husband, I have never compared or thought of another man since we have been together. The past is just that, the past. Enjoy your present and your future. If this person is "the one," find a way to overcome these feelings or else you are in jeopardy of loosing him. The sooner the better.
LittleSunflower- You say "I need advice on how to combat this problem, Not to be ripped down even more" you're still playing the victim.
My intent was not to rip into you, but to remind you that your negative hurt feelings are self imposed. I believe that you feel he gets a Virgin and you don't. Never mind the FACT that neither of you knew each other(let's just ignore reality it's not important)
You're hurt because even though you say you love him, you still feel that you're not getting as good as he's getting. I think you feel short changed.
Your feelings are "unrealistic". The time you've spent in HURTVILLE you could have been enjoying your man but you CHOOSE TO BE HURT rather than being realistic. You got him to feel guilty for no fault of his own- his guilt however did not help with you with getting over your hurt.
Do you enjoy the attention of being hurt? They say misery loves company.
You may also have some issues that you may/or may not be aware of, that some counseling may be of help
Again No One has Hurt you but YOU. You'll get over this when you "decide" to stop your hurt.
Years ago, I suspected that my husband had a fling with an old girlfriend after we were married. She even admitted to it, but he absolutely denied it. I chose to believe my husband, because that is in my power. He has never been in a situation like that since, and that was 16 years ago.
A few years ago, I had no love left for my husband. Everything he did annoyed me. But I decided I had to make it work, because I took vows with him, and we had 3 kids. I prayed nightly for courage and for God to help my love my husband. It worked.
My point is this. Chose how you talk to yourself, what you say in your head. It really does matter. Every time I caught myself saying something negative in my head about mu husband, I would immediately stop and put a positive thought in its place. You see, you can't just eliminate the negative - you have to fill it with something. Now mind you, this does not happen overnight. Some days I would fail miserably, but others I would do much better. I started praying before I even got out of bed in the morning for God to please get in my head before I did. I know how hard it is, because I have been there. Just make the choice to put the past in the past. You have a beautiful future with the man you adore, so don't get in your own way!
(SK: two tiny little buds I need to nip from you for future ref, please:  as you just saw, compassion can get taken for an unnecessarily forceful dressing down if you're not careful and  'HurtVille' and the like are long-term "Soulmate-isms". I'm aware I'm highly 'contagious' in that regard (not least through constant repetition), but it's probably best to check you're not unconsciously emulating my own unique terms and phrases lest people might start to wrongly suspect we're one and the same person (for your sake obviously, ha-ha).)
LittleSunflower (aka El Inquisitor Grande, LOL),
You shouldn't automatically believe everything a boyfriend tells you, especially when 'under torture'.
Too many younger men ('s egos) enter a relationship believing they should have a greater number of notches on their bedposts compared to their woman - to be impressive and 'superior' - PARTICULARLY if they're older than her and the relationship looks like lasting. This means it's all too common for them to anywhere between embellish, somewhat falsify or completely fabricate their past sexual histories come the point of comparing notes, or, indeed, to posture.
If they're not comfortable with or used to lying, then whatever they try to sell you WILL be, quote, vague... deliberately so (think about it). Plus, if you at any time subsequently insist on pushing for all the finer details, that's when - fearing they'll accidentally let slip something that you notice doesn't add up with something they told you previously - they can come out with something to upset you...to make you back right off. It's called smoke and mirrors.
This sounds very-with-a-capital-V much to me like you've been smoke & mirrored due to the 'tangled web he wove' earlier on in the relationship prior to his deeper-down realising that you and he were truly going to be for keeps. It sounds like utter ollocks, in other words. And I should know - I've heard a LOT in my time (try daily, LOL)
To wit, in order of his telling:
1. "but one, he had on and off for a few years"
2. "After some time and some [SMIRK] questioning by me, he admitted to having sex with her only once."
Only once.... despite she was so gagging she 'later on' had to coerce him into it.... despite on & off FOR A FEW ***YEARS***.
Here commenceth-ed the undoing of the initial lie, bit by sneaky bit, but with Ham Fists that turn the dial first too high then too low then overly high again, etc.... Really, if he's going to try to back out that rapidly like some big fat 'trucker' he should make "beep...beep...beep" reversing noises, LOL.
3. "He then admitted [AFTER CONTINUED INTERROGATION FROM ME] to having sex with her two times after the first time. This newly revealed information caused me to wonder if this event was something that he even regretted, considering that if one REALLY regrets something, they usually avoid doing it again, let alone 2 more times."
(Oh, so now it's suddenly back to THREE times! LOL) No, this newly revealed information caused you to wonder about everything and anything BUT the conscious noticing of any incongruities in his account (- aim, fire, BULLSEYE!). But then you got more upset than he'd bargained for, hence:
"He [THEN SAID HE] only did it because she offered and how he didn't want to hurt her feelings."
Excuse me while I gaffaw my face off.................
(That's better, haaaah.)
See the pattern yet?
RELAX. IT'S BS. ALL OF IT. "SHE" PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN EXIST!
"I fully believe that his feelings for me are far beyond anything he's ever felt for anyone else."
Oh, trust me, I KNOW they are! CLEARLY, if he's going to all THESE lengths! Poor boy must be KNACKERED by now, LOL.
"But, for some reason, I just can't seem to get over it." Yes. Because that's what happens when your mind can't join this supposed dot with that supposed neighbouring dot and senses something's not quite right yet can't 'tell' conscious you because conscious you is too busy licking its wounds and fixating on the weapon that dealt them.
There ARE no dots. He was probably likewise a virgin or nigh-on one when you met him. (Put it this way - I'd bet my entire house on it!) But it's not "manly" to admit it, is it. You do need to drop it, though, because humiliation has a tendency to travel all the way down from the head to... well, the HEAD.
New mantra: see spoonful coming at your face, GRAB HAND THAT HOLDS IT, examine contents of spoon thoroughly, THEN AND ONLY THEN say "ahh" and swallow.
First to LITTLESUNFLOWER I sincerely apologize for my comments to you which I do agree came across as dressing down. I was wrong, I hope you accept my apology.
I related to your post because I had a similar situation as your BF I confided in a friend who I truly felt close enough to open up to. Only to realize that even though this happen 5 years before we knew each other. He didn't think he could"see me" as before. Mind you in my situation I was the victim.
In a very passive/aggressive way he tried to demean my character, manipulate my self esteem. Made me feel that maybe I was exaggerating to be seen a better light, would ask for the details over and over to find any minor changes in the words I used etc.
SOULMATE: Thank you for the advice and critique. In no way was I trying to emulate your unique phrases/terms'" you are in my head however (in a good way)" so you may be right that it could have been done unconsciously. Consider me "checked"
he didnt know you existed when he had sex with his ex. you cant blame him for not giving u ur virginity. and u cant feel horrible of the thought of them two together.
then again, he never knew u existed.
i think its ur insecurities thats driving u to feel this way.
u need to deal with that, insecurities are unpleasant.
you say you have a good thing going on with him. why do u want to ruin it with those negative thoughts? IT HAPPENED BEFORE HE KNEW U EXISTED. it ends there.
maybe you're thinking about it because he didnt tell u he slept with her 3 times from the beginning. so maybe ur questioing whether he enjoyed it or whether he didnt like he said. he felt its wrong and stopped. maybe the negative thoughts are coming because he lied.
but really i would just let it go. i wasnt there. so why does it matter.
if u thought that losing ur virginity to him when he has lost to some one else is not fair then maybe you shouldnt have given it to him in the first place.
look i have been with a guy for years. i lost my virginity to him. hes lost his virginity years before he ever knew i existed. iv asked about his previous relationships. hes told me who hes sleot with. it didnt bother me at all. cuz i knew what i had. i trusted or relationship and we had something great going on. why should his past hunt me when theres a good thing going on, it ridiculous.
i gave him my virginity willingly, knowing hes given it to someelse years before he met me.. you know i actually never thought about it like that till now. i never thought ow he lost it to someone else and im givin it to him.. never.. and we've known each other for a very long time. u know why? cuz when i decided he can have me . i knew he was the one. he is still the one. always will be the one.
bottom line, if u have a good thing going, stop this. just stop. enjoy and live life.
u r really making somtehing out of nothing!
(SK, you truly are a rare diamond! Don't ever touch that dial.
...and now you've made me feel like a right barstool for having said anything. LOL, dats der way der do id, Dudy! Yours, Punch.)
Yes, agree with you Muzzah that she should let it go. But the mind isn't capable of doing that without first understanding it (and what it is) so that it can file it away. Or it can't if you're a particularly inquisitive and analytical type, anyway. She needs to know whether and which is truth versus a lie. Plus when it's true love and you're letting someone see unusually up-close into the deepest annals of your psyche, warts 'n all, *anyone and everyone* feels insecure, even despite normally the most confident person in the world; that's just natural. That's one of the reasons WHY they say relationships are hard, hard work.
Plus, unlike your chap, this man DID IMPLY he was nigh-on as virginal as her prior to their sleeping together. It seemingly was his sales patter, if you like. There's the diff that makes ALL the diff, particularly as under that circumstance it can feel like one was partway duped into giving away ones goods. False pretenses. She's retro-trying to get his number more precisely (safety check) before she goes in deeper/to know whether to back off a bit, which you can't say isn't sensible (caution and an enquiring mind a sign of intelligence and all that).
But, yes, get your point and agree it's not as serious as it feels at the time and certainly insufficient basis for calling the entire relationship into question. HOW to proceed, not 'whether'.
Time will tell on that truth/lie/bit of both score. Probably once they've been together for longer and he gets blotto one night and confesses outright or lets slip (but no getting any ideas, LSF (cough!)). My money's obviously on Lie/just bigging himself up.
However, even if I'm right: "Like a vir-gin.... Touched for the very first tiiiime". Considering that for every physical entity there is a psychological equivalent (often its 'marital partner') - define 'virgin'. In which case - here, LSF, maybe you made him FEEL like a virgin but he didn't have evidence to back it up with so made it up (so's to cease feeling so barmy in front of himself)? A GOOD lie, in other words?
Intention, after all, is everything.