Too much to deal with; Alone in this?
Good evening everybody, and sorry for the long text! (Ungh!..)
Alright, let’s do this; To begin with, I’m not entirely sure I’m in the right place, I just googled “where can I post my problems?” and sort of just pumped into this site, hope I can get some good piece of advice cos nobody in my life right now seems to be able to give me answers! My name is Skylar, age 16, and for the last few months I’ve diagnosed myself with depression. It’s not like I’m an attention seeker or anything, I don’t gain any satisfaction or pleasure when revealing to you I FEEL depressed, it’s basically just a floating feeling of emptiness and uncontrollable stress about school and my future, and if one thing I know best; it’s killing me. Like serious, serious killing. I might just sit there and the next second I know I’ve bursted into tears for no obvious reason. I think of my former school, or my ex boyfriend, or what’s life holding for me and I get scared, I feel devastated, tiny, helpless, pathetic. But depression is not the reason why I’m writing; I mean, it might be a side-effect of my actual problem here, or my actual problem might be a side-effect of depression (and when I say depression, I don’t mean cutting or avoiding human beings or anything like that; no. That is SO not me. I just feel, well, hopeless. Here’s the deal.
My entire life (around 10-11 – I can barely recall any memories before that age actually, well, apart from those epic family moments during Christmas or Summer I mean), I’ve wanted to live abroad. I was in regular contact with loads and loads of people from other countries and I had my first relationships via social media, I formed a personality there (that by no means seems to match my country’s records..), based on my own idols, if you like, whose lives I’d always SIT AND OBSERVE on the internet. **And here lies my problem** Oh – I live in a small European country, by the way, doesn’t really matter which. My parents and (humiliating few) friends would always regard me with xenomania, which basically involves an inordinate attachment to the foreign things (such as lifestyle, fashion, ideology etc.). Thing is, I DON’T see it that way (?)
I love English, as a language, as a mean, as a solution. Often, I find myself expressing my innermost thoughts and concerns and like – most intense feelings A WHOLE LOT better in the English language, and I love that. I don’t feel happy about the place I was born in, I find the people extremely unprogressive, the government useless, and I just don’t seem to fit in. It’s funny how my parents have lived their lives abroad for many many years (together!) and still don’t seem to get what I’m feeling like. Like, they do sympathise it (my mother mainly) and do support me whatever my beliefs may be, and that’s great, I just – I’m of an age (16, as mentioned before) where a bunch of (at first sight) insignificant things tend to take huge dimensions in my eyes, but I really do feel like I have to make my own path. And here’s the muddle; EVERYTHING seems SO HUGE. I live in an unprogressive country which has more to take than to give back to its people, and to stand out is difficult especially if your surrounders find fault with your attitude and everything you say. Like, I might praise some cultures more than I should but at a personal point! My people think I’m using “a smug face on them”, and I get that – maybe it’s in fact what I’m doing and I don’t really care, since I have it for sure that these are not the people I’m gonna walk among in 5 years from now. And that is. By the time I finish school and do my basic studies in English Literature (which I’m aiming at), I’m planning to attend classes in the American College of my country (concerning students from the US and UK), specialising either in some field of Arts (Theatrical studies) or sociology, psychology, anything would do to be honest – which I hope will open the gate for occupational rehabilitation in the US or the UK in my nearby future. Now what are my worries..
Is this actually gonna work?
I know it’s gonna be tough, I know I’m not gonna have all my future ambitions and hopes served on the silver platter, but this is something I want. This is something I feel like I live for, and as much as it fills me with fear and stress and doubt, it completes me – the feeling of enthusiasm, the scent of something new, something I could die from happiness for – God, this really is what I want, but I’m scared. What if I fail and remain stuck here for the rest of my life?
I’m gazing up at the opportunity for the ideal life I want to provide myself with in lust. I may not have obtained it yet, and perhaps I never will but for the time being it seems to be the only ray of light that gives me hope whist my life feels so mundane and meaningless – And isn’t that more than most of us get?
Thank you so much xx
Thanks for sharing!
You've got a tough choice to make, Charms. Doing what everyone else expects you to is safe, but people don't do great things by playing it safe. I spent a lot of my youth refusing to make decisions because I could hear the negative things people would say about every possible avenue I considered. That's not the way to live. Eventually you have to put your fingers in your ears and go forward with a controversial decision, and live with the consequences, good and bad.
The good news is, you're young! The world is your oyster! You could screw up everything for the next ten years and still have ample time to turn things around and change the direction of your life. So why not follow your passion for now, try lots of new things, and see where it takes you?
As for depression and anxiety, I really enjoy a quote I've heard was misattributed to Lao Tzu: "When I feel depressed it's because I'm living in the past, when I feel anxious it's because I'm thinking about the future." Figure out the plan to get where you want, then stop thinking about it. Enjoy today as best you can. Hang in there, things get much better almost always. :)
I remember feeling much the same as you at that age. I'm in my 40's now, 3 kids, husband, the works. But in my teens, I was anxious, scared - much the same as you. Just remember that most people your age feel that way - some are just better at hiding it than others. I remember I wanted to join teh air force, and after I got out I wanted to go to Italy and learn about the culture and food. I never did either of those things, mostly because I was afraid of what my family would think, and it scared the crap out of me. And I regret it to this day.
You are young - follow your passions. If there is one thing that I have learned in my life, it's that experiences make the person. Not stuff, or whatever. People change because of the things they do and experience. Trust yourself, and you'll be on your way to a wonderful life.