Should I fight for him?
CESTLAVIE - Nov 6 2015 at 15:49
Hi guys, would really appreciate some advice. Long story (sort of) short, was with my ex for nearly 2 yrs, moved in after 7 months, engaged in March, pregnant in May & miscarried in June. (Still not over that). My ex was never a good communicator & signed up to dating websites but never met any other women - & said it was cos he had low self esteem - which i believe is true. I gave him 1 last chance & he said he wanted me & only me. He has a 5 yr UK visa & is from Canada originally. In Sept he told me he missed his boys (aged 14, 17 & 20) & he had to go back to be with them & wouldnt forgove himself if anything happened to them & he wasnt there. I also think he's a bit of a commitment phobe & got scared when I pushed for a wedding date (my fault cos I knew he wasn't ready). Anyway, i would never keep him from his sons but by the same token I still don't feel like our story is over. We parted amicably & he sent an email the day he left saying he still loved me & sorry for the way things ended. He sent me money for bills. I still love him so much & all I can think about is him. I feel like I can't move on. It's been 6 weeks. I didn't reply to his email as it was too hard for me to know he still loved me but wasn't with me. We've had no contact since. My question is should I contact him & test the waters to see if he might come back or do I carry on wondering if we still have a shot? I am healing slowly but not sure if I am actually moving on or just living in hope that he'll be back. I am also scared that if I contact him & he tells me he's not coming back that it will push my recovery back again, & I can't go back to crying all day & feeling hopeless every minute!
I would try to contact him if not then u might regret not ever finding out who knows he might surprise u.
Thank you :-)
I agree. I would try to contact him, just for closure if nothing else. Understand that kids are a big deal, and I see why he needs to be with them. If the relationship is going to work, you night have to relocate so that he can be near the boys. Also, both of you might want to seek counseling for the loss of your child.
Given he didn't even use what you'd think was the perfect excuse for a man who secretly still wanted back, to chase ("did you GET my email?"), I'd have said, DON'T call.
Have you done it already?
Thanks for your replies guys. All really helpful. He's a very complicated man & isn't like most other men. That's why he wouldn't & never has redponded to anything as most men do!
Soulmate - I've not contacted him yet. Have an important meeting this afternoon & didn't want to be upset for that so will probably email him later.
(Sorry, that should have read 'to chase or even to keep warm for the purposes of potential, imminent return'.)
"He's a very complicated man & isn't like most other men. That's why he wouldn't & never has redponded to anything as most men do!"
(Interesting statement.) Where did you FIND this human anomaly? May I have his address so that I can contact him for breakthrough new specie research purposes? ;-)
But, okay, I've picked up on the subtle background message regarding where you're at/what you're up to right this second, enough said for today and good luck with your obviously HIGHLY important meeting.
I'd say give me a knock once you're out but it's Snogurday so, if you insist that calling him can't wait until tomorrow then I'll have to leave you to it.
PS: Wouldn't and never has "Red ponded". Was that a Freudian? ;-)
Oops...it could well have been a Freudian! Tres embarrassing! So..I'm thinking you don't agree with me contacting him then...just a hunch!
This guy's NOT some human anomaly, he is still subject to the laws of male primitive psychology within the parameters of whatever situations and scenarios. And I don't think returning to his three sons (only now when they've hit the age where they no longer need a "dadda") was so much a puller as a self-compensator (about having to abandon mission) spoken out-loud, come augmentative excuse for your benefit, in-one.
Rather, he *did* find a catch or two on the dating sites (plural), no matter his claim to the contrary (what else was he going to say - seriously!), or else at the very least saw that there were [scuse pun] now plenty of fish in the Canadian sea. Merely one or more *potentials*, however, even when added to his convenient, so-called guilt over his sons, would not have had him upping sticks on so little provocation like that. I think by the time you (presumably) stumbled upon this attempt to cheat or replace, he had to have built some kind of relationship over email (and phone). Put it this way: "No man flies the nest unless he has another to go to". Nest means package of female lover + home.
Not 'another chance' or 'second chance'. 'One LAST chance'. So there had been trouble at t' mill (presumably, lack of support toward you during the miscarriage?). Big deal. What does a man EXPECT a relationship of the uniquely squished-up-together variety to be if not uncomfortable and difficult in places at times. Not a good communicator is no excuse, even arm-less mutes don't automatically cheat just because they (genuinely) 'can't communicate properly'.
There is NO excuse for failing to simply say, 'Houston, we have a problem', just a superbly revealing clue as to the behind-your-back merchant's true lifelong or post-traumatic-reactive character (mercenarily out for themselves and over-entitled). Further, if one has low self-esteem and supposedly understands what it is and how it works then surely one automatically knows not to exacerbate it ten-fold by doing what everyone knows works on that score in one fell swoop, guaranteed. The low self-esteemed aren't over-entitled and wouldn't sit there in YOUR HOUSE, WHILE YOU'RE STILL GRIEVING, trying to replace you just because the relationship featured a real life nitty-gritty that suddenly made it not quite so much FUN any more.
It must have been for replacement purposes or else you'd be saying, having found him on dating websites you were now finding it hard to trust him or tolerate his presence, including sharing a bed. PRESENCE. This was no 'woman on the side' expedition, it was lilypad-leaping, with his 'missing his sons' his imminent-parting excuse and setting the guilt-avoiding scene.
Now to the style in which he subsequently left and ended it: What a coincidence, timing-wise. You find him cheating behind your back in September and then - whaddayaknow! - only a couple of weeks later he's off. But not before feeding you standard "Pity mee, mummyyy" BS, meant to trigger you into 'forgive the wee baby' attitude (i.e. pacify you). He then deliberately closes all 'bridges'.
(A man who intends or thinks he even MIGHT want or need to come back ensures to have mechanisms that force you to have to accept contact as then give him the perfectly opportunity and means for working on you and persuading you to let him back. He leaves things still to collect/return and/or to divvy and pay.)
Having demolished those bridges, all this guy used was a verbal (blah-blah) method, once, for keeping you warm, waiting and hoping, thereby incapable of detaching at the normal rate, and even then not a very firm one, meaning 'just in case/you never know' - telling you he still loves you.
Lack of action ever since says it didn't worry him in the slightest nor even merely pique his curiosity, flick his ego, or retro-stick in his craw of injustice, the fact that no subsequent acknowledgement thus zero confirmation over receipt has been forthcoming. The fact he was the man (hunter-chaser) AND the abandoner gave him full carte blanche to have made contact at ANY point if he so wished, even WITHOUT some convenient or tenuous opportunity. Can't find 2 two minutes to type, 'Did you GET my email dated X?'?... to use a, you'd think, godsend of an excuse to mail a second time?... if only to keep you still warm?
Still loves you yet can go from living with you day and night to six-SIX LONG WEEKS WITHOUT ANY CONTACT AND INTERACTION WITH YOU VICARIOUS OR OTHERWISE WHAT...SO...EVER... NOT...ONE...PEEP, DESPITE THERE STILL SITS A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY, all without 'dying'.
Come off it.
Case closed. Unlike his blah-blahs, there's no disputing actions that are that meaty and final.
I realise you want to know WITH CERTAINTY where you stand. But, courtesy of that complete silence and stillness (assuming he's NOT an arm-less mute) - you in fact do. WHEREAS, if you add insult to injury by at worst finding your call blanked or hearing yet more face-saving and question-dodging BS from him or hearing something tantamount, meaning-wise, to 'what part of Over don't you get?', you'll look back on it for years to come and CRINGE.
Know that it's over - which is because he wasn't the sort of man you (or any woman) need - and find yourself finally released and fast-tracked to where you should already be by now on that grieving line.
You rang him, didn't you. :-(
No! I don't have his new number ;) seriously though much as it hurts I'm trying to talk myself out of contacting him!!
Just testing. Worked, though, didn't it, LOL. ;-)
Anyway - PHEW. Very glad to hear it. He knows where you are.
Are you on any dating sites, just for the fun and flattering distraction of it?
Haaaaaang on a cotton pickin' minute, I nearly missed that one...
If you don't have his new number then why the need to talk yourself out of using it? Or are you talking by other methods, such as Fakebook?