Help

Posted by
ORION
on Nov 7 2015 at 02:08
Member since: 07 November 2015
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category My wife and I have been married since February 3rd, 2014. We have three children together (one is hers before the relationship, the other two came after we were wed). We live together and I am the only one working.

She recently claimed that she wanted a "break" and so I obliged and did as she asked. Then a few weeks later she declared that she wanted to get a divorce. In which she gave multiple reasons.

1. Because I cheated on her (well before we were married mind you) and that she can't stop thinking about it.

2. Because when she was pregnant I didn't help clean the house (I honestly have no idea why I didn't help)

3. Because I didn't help her with the girls when they were born as much as I should have (I was terrified of them. They were 5 weeks early and so little that I was afraid I would hurt them)

4. I (stupidly) said that my job was harder than hers (this is in reference to her being a stay at home mom at the time)

I've realized what I have done wrong. And yes, I told her multiple times that I would change. And then I did, but the change only lasted for so long. And now, because I've seen what me not changing will cause, I HAVE changed into what she needs. But at this point I fear that it may be too late.

I don't know for sure if she is having an affair or not, but she has told me "As far as I'm concerned the only thing that is holding us together is a piece of paper that is apparently cheaper to get rid of than I thought. I want to move on and think about my future. I want you to do the same and find someone new" (Which I obviously do not want to do).

She CLAIMS to not care about me and what I'm doing, but last Monday I went to work KNOWING that no one would be there (the boss had personal matters to attend to and gave us the day off), and then when I got home I told her that no one was at work and that I knew no one would be there. And her response was "Well then where were you all day? What have you been doing?" and I told her that I just kind of hung out at work by myself. But my first thought was "WHY DO YOU CARE WHERE I WAS IF I WAS OUT OF THE HOUSE?" (I did NOT actually say this to her)

This is not something I want. She is claiming to want this. I know now what I put her through. The pain and suffering that I have caused her. All the grief is just too much to handle. HELL does not even begin to describe what I UNINTENTIONALLY put her through. I didn't want to do those things to her.

Someone please help......

Reply from
PUNKY7783
on Nov 7 2015 at 04:33
Member since: 07 November 2015
I'm the wife in a very similar situation unfortunately waiting for my husband to show some kind of change that he wants us to work I can tell you one thing trying never goes unnoticed!!! If you love her fight for her!
Reply from
ORION
on Nov 7 2015 at 04:53
Member since: 07 November 2015
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am definitely fighting for her. Waking up right now is a chore because I feel like my mind is shattering into pieces. Mostly because I don't really know what's going on.

But thank you so much.

Reply from
TAURUS05
on Nov 7 2015 at 13:31
Member since: 07 November 2015
Gender: Female
I am the wife in the opposite similar situation. Husband was a stay at home dad for 7 years, now he is working and I am the stay at home. We have been married for 18 years, and have 3 kids ranging from 2 to 13. For years, he has said that I need to change. I would change for a while, then go right back to how I was before. I was determined to make it work, and so I prayed nightly (still do) for God to strengthen my marriage and make me a better wife. Prayers were answered, but he still sometimes sees me the way I was years ago. It's a hard thing to come to terms with - you have changed, but there are still memories and strong feelings connected to the way you were for your wife. My best advice to you is just keep showing her every day that you are a new man. Go out of your way to take the kids so that she can have some alone time, go do something with her friends. Trust me, being with kids all day takes a toll on a woman (or man). And please, please do a date night at least every month! I am working on implementing a date night with hubby, but finds are tight. So, I think we will just set aside time every so often to have a date night in, just the 2 of us, after the kids are in bed. Being together, just the 2 of you, is incredibly important. Show her that she is everything to you. Leave her little notes around the house, send her a "thinking of you" text, but don't push. You can do this, just be committed to doing it.
Reply from
ORION
on Nov 7 2015 at 17:33
Member since: 07 November 2015
Thank you for your insight Taurus. My only problem is that I have tried to leave little notes here and there. And I have tried to do the "thinking of you" texts. She shuts them down and tells me that I need to "please stop". She told her sister that she has found someone new already, but her sister told me that she said it in such a way that was more of a "I know you'll tell him that I said this" kind of way. Like a high school drama style.

The notes and texts won't work because she shuts them down. And as for trying to do a "date night", she wouldn't want to do that because she claims to not be able to stand being around me. I just don't know what to really do. I have numerous ideas on what I should do. But there are people I need to talk to and get their opinion on it first.

She says that we are basically "roommates" but the thing is, she doesn't work. So how can we be "roommates" if I am still paying for everything? I pay all the bills: the water, the rent, the electric, the internet, HER PHONE BILL, her gas to go out on Fridays, and her Limited credit card bill. As a "roommate" I shouldn't be paying for all of these things by myself.

Reply from
TAURUS05
on Nov 7 2015 at 17:39
Member since: 07 November 2015
Gender: Female
I understand where you are coming from. Just one thing though - just because you are the only one that is bringing in a paycheck doesn't mean that you are paying for everything. Her job, as you know, is just as important as yours and it allows you to bring home the money. If she did not do what she does, you could not do what you do. Have you told her that you appreciate her? Value the contributions she makes to your family? If you! I wish I heard that EVER. Women like to feel appreciated, and to feel like they cannot be replaced by anyone else.
Reply from
ORION
on Nov 7 2015 at 17:52
Member since: 07 November 2015
You are right. If it wasn't for her doing the job that she currently holds as a mother (instead of a cash paying job) then no, I wouldn't be able to "bring home the bacon" as they say. And I do appreciate everything that she does.

Last night before she left, she had a body suit on that she hadn't been able to wear since she was pregnant (8 months ago) and I asked her how it felt to be wearing it again. And she said "I may have danced around the house a lot" and I told her that it looks really great on her and she actually said "well thank you". I'm just afraid to talk to her about anything because I don't want her to bite my head off for wanting to talk to her about something that will help us. She doesn't want to hear it (or so she says)

And she knows that no matter what happens, I would never try to find anyone else. Because quite honestly, even if there ever came a time that I felt I COULD find someone else. It wouldn't be fair to them because I would never be able to feel the same about them as I do about her. That's why I wouldn't want to even attempt it.

I asked her last night if she would like to go to a movie tonight. And she said "I don't know maybe" because I don't think she wants to be alone with me.

Reply from
TAURUS05
on Nov 7 2015 at 18:31
Member since: 07 November 2015
Gender: Female
At least the didn't say no to the movie. I would take that as a good sign. Just keep showing her you appreciate her.
Reply from
ORION
on Nov 7 2015 at 18:59
Member since: 07 November 2015
I most definitely would take it as a good sign. If this wasn't the 4th or 5th time I've asked her to go see a movie and "I don't know, maybe" is always her response.

She still hasn't come home from leaving last night. And I have noticed that gradually the time she spends away from home becomes longer every weekend. Pretty soon I feel like she won't come home until Sundays. I haven't tried to contact her about when she's coming home today because whenever I do all she does is get angry. She tells me "I'll come home when I feel like it".

I never know where she is when she leaves. She tells me that she is going to one of her friends houses (the same one every Friday) but because the way my mind is right now, I don't actually know that's where she is.

Reply from
PUNKY7783
on Nov 7 2015 at 19:13
Member since: 07 November 2015
I know that you love her and want your family to be a family but maybe she needs to be left alone and know how it's going to be without you to make her understand the grass isn't always greener on te other side I'm very sorry your going through this and I hope everything works out in the end never stop being a good guy no matter what! Don't lose yourself in the process of everything because Everton makes mistakes but it's the good ones who learn from them!
Reply from
PJVL9
on Nov 8 2015 at 02:03
Member since: 20 July 2015
I think your wife was sexually abused, for I was married to one like that for 36 years, and your comments about things she said sound very similar to statements my wife made, prior to dying of a long illness.

You said:

"She recently claimed that she wanted a "break" and so I obliged and did as she asked. Then a few weeks later she declared that she wanted to get a divorce. In which she gave multiple reasons.

"1. Because I cheated on her (well before we were married mind you) and that she can't stop thinking about it."

My wife, also would give the most flimsy comments about changes in her behavior, just like your wife saying she wanted a "break" because you cheated. The fact that it was before you were married to her, makes it pretty flimsy. Also, she may very well have been cheating on you 10 times as much prior to marriage, but just didn't know what was going on when she came in late.

All these "good reasons" (flimsy excuses) for her wanting a break from you are your fault. She's still the perfect one, though she's the one cheating on you. That's the opposite of reality. That's fantasy, which is the world she lives in.

You're like me, you're a patsy, saying you stupidly said your job was harder than hers, one time. One small item, and it explains everything as to why she's cheating on you. It's just the opposite. It's her fault that she's cheating on you.

My wife once told me, when I was out of a job and she was getting out of teaching school for the summer, that I needed to go over to my mother's house during the day because, we would be seeing too much of each other all summer. I said, OK.

Years later, when I figured she was cheating with a fellow school teacher, I realized she wanted me out of the house, so she and her lover could get a motel one or two times a week, since I would be at my mother's and not getting back to our house until 4 or 5 p.m. That way, she could leave our house at 12 noon, stay with her lover until 3 or 4 p.m., and be back at our house before I even got back home.

I never suspected a thing. If I'm still at the house, she can't leave at noon, and get back at 3 or 4, cause I would say, "Where have you been for 3 hours? Show me what items you bought." She would have no items.

So, I needed to be out of the house, so an hour later she could slip out of the house, without me knowing it.

You said,

"I don't know for sure if she is having an affair or not, but she has told me "As far as I'm concerned the only thing that is holding us together is a piece of paper that is apparently cheaper to get rid of than I thought. I want to move on and think about my future. I want you to do the same and find someone new"

So, you're starting to suspect an affair. I did too in my marriage. And you wife saying she wants you to find someone else, is also her saying she has found someone else, and she wants to be with him.

You said when you were at work one day, when you didn't have to be, and she said to you, "Well then where were you all day? What have you been doing?"

My wife went to a co-ed college for a summer refresher course, and when she came back, she wanted to know what I had been up to. Wait a minute. She's down there on a college campus with 2,000 males, surrounded by night clubs she can easily get into by having other female teacher from her dorm, doesn't even come home for the weekend when she college is only two hours from our home, and she wants to know what I've been up to?

I later by many years realized she probably had 8-10 boyfriends, and had sex 20 times. As for the weekend at the college, what would she do from Friday at noon when classes got out, to Sunday at midnight, at a city where she knows no one? She went to nightclubs.

I never suspected a thing.

You said, "She told her sister that she has found someone new already, but her sister told me that she said it in such a way that was more of a "I know you'll tell him that I said this" kind of way. Like a high school drama style."

That's about as plain as it gets. I was in denial, also, for many years.

You said, "She still hasn't come home from leaving last night. And I have noticed that gradually the time she spends away from home becomes longer every weekend. Pretty soon I feel like she won't come home until Sundays. I haven't tried to contact her about when she's coming home today because whenever I do all she does is get angry. She tells me "I'll come home when I feel like it".

"I never know where she is when she leaves. She tells me that she is going to one of her friends houses (the same one every Friday) but because the way my mind is right now, I don't actually know that's where she is."

My wife was sexually abused, and these are the things she would say and do. The abuse can cause their ego to divide, because the trauma is too much for them, and they live as 5 or 10 year olds on one side of their divided ego, and the trauma is one the other side.

They emotionally stay at the age that the abuse occurred.They can lose their personalities because of the trauma, and sex becomes the only thing they enjoy, and they increase the importance of it 10x, because that's all they have.

The problem you have is you have 2 children with her, so you can't walk out the door. She doesn't mind the children's lives being destroyed, because hers was destroyed. I am reliving the nightmare that was my marriage, my life, for 29 years, which is when I first thought she might be having an affair.

They have to win over males, because they vowed no male would ever dominate them again, after a male raped them at 5 or 10. So you're not going to win this. My wife even caught a deadly desease and I realize now vowed not to let me win, and simply went out of life hating me more than I disliked her for what she had done, and therefore she won.

My former wife, and yours, have pathological hate; you have only ordinary hate. Therefore, she can hate more than you, she wins, is the way they look at this.

You will not win this. Of course, if you didn't have two kids, you could walk out the door. But you can't walk out the door. Even if you did, she still gets the kids on the weekends, and she'll make you life hell by staying in contact with you because of that.

She will try to destroy you as much as she can. You need to get away, but if you do, she will mistreat the children as she was mistreated, and it will drive you up the wall. Put on a good act,do the best you can, and good luck.

Reply from
ORION
on Nov 8 2015 at 16:29
Member since: 07 November 2015
PJVL9,

I am sorry to hear about what happened with your wife. My condolences.

But when you say, "you will not win this", that sir, is where you are wrong. I'm not going to just lay down and take this like you did. You said you found out later that all this was going on. Yet you said you suspected it? Then why didn't you confront her about it? Because YOU didn't want to win.

As for me, I know what I want from this marriage. I know what I have to do to stop this from happening. There are just too many things going on that tell me she doesn't really want this. Like last night for instance, we went to buy clothes for the twins, and instead of my wife giving the woman her maiden name for the store account, she used my last name. Wait a minute.....you claimed you wanted a divorce yet you just gave the woman MY last name as yours? How much sense does that make? And then she went on to our electric companies website under "contact us" and sent them an email saying that she wanted to know how to add a name to the utility bill. She put "I would like to add my HUSBAND'S name to the bill" instead of saying "I would like to put my ROOMMATE on the bill" (which is what she is claiming we are). That doesn't make any sense either.

But it does make sense because we are/were trying to find a bigger house and we needed my name on the utilities so we could show a "joint" account so that I could get the home loan that we need to find the house.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?