Dumped for first time at age 37 - struggling to understand why
I was dumped in a relationship for the first time in my life at 37. My girlfriend was a bit older, so I thought she would have a very mature understanding of relationships.
She also came out of a nasty divorce. Where in the final years of her relationship she put up and fought to stay married to someone that emotionally abused her, was an alcoholic, cheated on her and eventually left her for a younger girl.
When she dumped me she used a cliche and said "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I don't know what this means? I don't believe in levels of love. She showed affection and attraction towards me all the way through. I've been in enough relationships to know a year is too long to dangle in something you aren't sure about. It leads me to believe she just has a fairy tale expectation of what love is.
She started out communicating to me everything. The reason I could look past her difficult situation (divorced from a bad marriage) was that she was open. At some point she just stopped telling me things. I always told her I didn't care how bad it was. I'd rather know.
I will have trust issues with women going forward. I was always reluctant to open up to anyone and at 37 I decided to give it one last shot because I felt her situation and openness meant she would have a more realistic expectation of what relationship to stay in and would communicate to work on any problems. Neither of those turned out to be the case. Which is maddening for me.
I feel like I was tricked. It's not like I felt she was THE ONE. I do not believe in that myth. I cared about her. She was a good person. I just felt like she was worth my time. There wasn't all these tingly feelings where I couldn't get her out of my mind. Hardly. But I didn't freak out and back out. She felt the same way yet it isn't enough. So with that I am done because I'm tired of girls always expecting me to give and never offer much back.
You were always the dumper for 37 yrs, welcome to reality- you had a really good run!
Sounds like you're put out because SHE left you. You say "It leads me to believe she just has a fairy tale exception of what love is" No she knew what she needed, which was more than you were willing to give. You felt that "carrying about her was enough, yet it wasn't enough for her.
After a year you were at "I care about her" "It's not like I felt she was the one" She was at " I want to be in Love" and she wasn't-.
The myth does exits- when you're "in it" you do feel like They're the one, and you diffidently get tingle feeling all over and simply can't get the person out of your mind. You'll never find it by choosing to settle for less.
Weren't you the one that was tricking her" you knew she wasn't the one for you, and yet you lead her on as if she was.
What exactly what were you really giving to her? Certainly not a future.
I'm sorry but if I'm honest the guys I know that are married wouldn't admit to feeling "tingles" for their wives after several years. If anyone feels like that after years - it is indeed rare - if it does exist. This wasn't my first rodeo.
She came out of an abusive marriage where she stayed and fought to stay in a marriage with a man who was emotionally abusive, alcoholic, cheated on her with prostitutes and others and eventually left her for a younger girl. I offered a stable relationship where we were compatible and felt love for each other. I wonder if someone like that is capable of knowing what they want?
I can love without feeling tingles or whatever you want to call it.
Yeah my ego is bruised from this. I was tired of flings. I settled for her. I'm not used to getting dumped and it damaged my ego. I may have even had it coming. So what? There's nothing wrong with that.
The grass is always greener. Eventually the spark dies down. You work to keep things together. My parents have been married for 40 years. My dad is a therapist. The reality has been drilled in to me. This is reality. What you describe sounds unrealistic. It sounds like most people don't know what's realistic and maybe that's why we face a society with a 50/50 chance of any marriage actually working. This is why I no longer have any trust. Why should I?
You settled for her. She did not want to be settled for. Enough said.
I use to feel as u do. I'm 34 and have put 100% into every relationship I've been in but they never worked out. I was bitter for a long time and didn't believe in THE ONE! But don't give up hope because there is a the one out there for u. Ppl come into our lives for reasons to teach us things or to help us grow and sometimes they teach us what we don't want or how it is we deserve to be treated. Don't read to much into it she just wasn't the person your suposto be with. Live life and just be happy with you. Go out and do the things you love and just focus on you for now and that person will come along I promise u my dear. Don't worried about how she treated u and what she did just continue being good to others