Is husband over ex? Is his battle with alcohol worth standing by his side?
I need advice. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. This is my second marriage I was married to my first husband for 11 years. I know I am not perfect but I have been able to make a relationship work my first marriage ended but we get alone and we stay out of one another's life we also have 3 kids together. I met my current husband while I was going through a divorce and he was divorced for 6 months. I watched him drink heavy 4 six packs a night every night. I thought he was depressed and I could support him. Well, fast forward 6 months we got married everything was great. He had slowed on his drinking some but now he is calling me by his exs name. Also, he would state she was the most beautiful woman and cry over her. When his ex would drop off their daughter for visits my husband and his ex would get into crazy fights. My husband would hang inside of her car as she drove off. Once she called to ask his if she could pick up the baby bed he had. I listened to his cry and state he didnt want her to use their child's bed for her new child. One night my husband called me by his ex name during sex and I slapped him. I just had enough and reacted. Since that day I have had several arguments with him that now ends with him assaulting, kicking, punching, throwing me from one wall to another, fired a gun in my direction, choked me out until I pass out and urinate on myself. Finally I had enough I was now 3 months pregnant with our child and had h arrested. He left me moved 3 states away to a family's home. I moved on I started dating someone new and had no contact with my husband. That relationship ended then I gave birth. I invited my husband to the hospital to meet our son. My husband has went to rehab and had been sober the 6 months we were apart. We decided to give it another try. He promised me the world he promised not to let our son know him as the drunk. My husband has 2 divorces and 3 other children from those. I am his 3rd wife and our son is his 4th. He has very little contact with his other children if any at all. I have even encouraged him to have more to do with them. Fast ward, over the first year of our sons life and just getting back together be began drinking and hitting me again. He also started back calling me by his ex name and telling me I am jealous of her. I wouldn't be jealous if I wasn't constantly compared to her. He also went and picked up a friend of mine and her 2 kids brought her home and had sex with her in front of me. I was left to watch the kids and try and keep them out of the view of things. Today he has slowed down drinking its now more of once or twice a month of bing drinking he leaves for days and gets a hotel and comes home when he is out of money. So I suspect cheating he has always had a very lustful eye. He once told me my sister was very hot and one Christmas they were joking and the next thing it became sexual and he pulled his penis out and told her to have at it. We could be at the park or the store and he would see a girl and they start eye flirting and he would look at me and say he's going to $uck her. My family all cut me off for staying with him. I have no one in my life anymore. So yesterday I watched him being lustful again and I called him out on it and he said he just was looking at her because she was looking at him and it was no big deal. But, it hurt me. He told me he wants a divorce and he is going to go get better than me. Hours of his emotional verbal abuse I hide in my room. He went to sleep on the sofa and this morning he is sorry again. He didnt mean it, he loves me and he doesn't want a divorce. It's always sorry I love you but he wants me to feel confident and happy after he puts me down, hits me compares me to other women or takes off drinking. Can anyone please tell me their view?
Violence, anger, emotional abuse all shackled to excessive alcohol consumption. This guy is a serious danger to himself let alone you trying to get together with him to live a normal and happy life. He will never be any good for you or anyone while he drinks and his insecurities and the way he tries to manage them have horrendous consequences as you have experienced first hand.
His actions should tell you that he's not capable of being a responsible father or role model for your son. It's all OK for him to go to rehab, but as with all addicts, their road to recovery is long and hard, but you don't have to be there to support him at all and you most certainly don't need to be there if you are his personal punching bag and someone for him to abuse in every way whenever he feels like it.
You need to realize and understand that your son doesn't deserve to bought up in your current environment and that you are the only one who can take him away from it. For your own and your son's safety, you need to get out and stay out for good. You deserve a man who respects and loves you and who will support and accept you in every way, everyday. You don't need a violent, insecure and dangerous alcoholic with an appalling history of failed marriages and abuse.
Omg!! I am seriously disturbed by reading this partly because I am discusted with ur husband and partly because I have experience allot of these things myself. It made me very sad inside to read this. I was with an alcoholic who cheated on me also and that hit me allot. I left four years ago thank God and I think u should do the same!! I know its hard to get the courage and confidence to leave because ppl like that break us down so much that we feel worthless and that no one else would ever want us but it's not true. Please get the courage to stand up for yourself and leave. You can do it I know you can. It's taken me allot of years and therapy to heal from what happened to me. I still deal with trust issues and not being afraid of relationships and I'm just now starting to learn how to have a healthy relationship with men without bringing my baggage into my current relationship. You don't deserve to be treated that way EVER!! You are worth so much more than that and their are men out there who would treat u like the queen u are who would never think of emotionally or physically abusing u. I'm just saddened by this story because ive truly been there. You don't deserve this. I so want to hurt ur husband right now. What a worthless piece of shit!! I hope he dies no offense. You need to leave!! After leaving it does take alot of time to heal and truly I don't know if I will ever completely heal from it but it's possible. I just wish I could be there to help you and hold your hand through it. Your so worth so much more my dear.
If he doesn't want a divorce/if he loves you then all I can say is, he's got a funny way of showing it. More like he knows you in your current predicament wouldn't DARE, meaning, he has carte blanche to behave as badly as he likes but with no possible comeuppance worth worrying about. Not even, lately, facing having to do any work whatsoever to make it up to you and cheer you up... just you - CLICK! - instantly forgiving, forgetting and drawing a smile back on your face using nothing but your own steam.
"My family all cut me off for staying with him. I have no one in my life anymore."
I'm not surprised if your sister told them all about how he accosted her sexually when all she (we hope) thought she was doing was bantering and pitting wits with what should have been a completely safe target! But - well, then, if your family cut you off (out of desperation?) for staying with him, it seems pretty logical to assume they'd have no reason against reinstating you the minute you CEASED staying with him. Why don't you gather up your bravery, call one of them (I'd start with that same sister), admit that all their gut instincts at the time were right on this one, telling them all about how he's degenerated to the point now of flaunting in your face what patently is some cheap affair atop of everything abusive else, and adding how you need their help in order to be capable of dumping his abusive a*se, starting with their giving their moral and practical support and encouragement to see you walking out that door (plus a van for transporting your stuff back to theirs). Explain that until they do, "a" warm body feels preferable as well as safer, psychologically, to a sociable type (which obviously you are) than nothing and no-one... which Hobson's Choice is the very thing that keeps your mind too paralysed to make that chasmic-feeling leap.
If they truly cut you off for no other reason than they could tell this guy was bad news and didn't want to be forced to have to witness a train wreck involving a loved-one unfolding in front of them, I imagine they'll be round and at your side faster than they could all shout 'Hallelujia!'.
Failing that, realise this: you are not quite available enough for any friendship right now because your mind is too engaged with coping with this daily nightmare to work out who on your daily travels is receptive. The metaphorical Green light above your head (your vibes) is Red as symbolises, 'Unavailable for any extra relationship, please move on'. Once you've been removed from this situation and this man for long enough for it to really hit you on all psychological levels that you're free, your light will switch to pure Green again, whereupon in will automatically and (yes) involuntarily flock anyone else with a vacancy for a friend (especially of the co-victim variety).
And in case you might try to argue with me on that score, please note the "unobvious bleedin' obvious", CONCRETE evidence you've just received on that score with regards to what happened the minute you made just this one, easy yet glaring move back towards more Green: "our" MISSJONI sincerely wishing she knew you and could bud up with you in real life, to the point of saying so to your 'face' in 'public'. Now imagine you'd got chatting to her or someone like her in, say, some cafe or hairdresser's somewhere, with the topic having naturally progressed to comparing ex with about-to-become-ex: Instant friendship, numbers swapped, date to meet there again but a few days later... new firm, long-term bessie mate. And not just any old bessie mate but one who'd been to your destination and back again, having lived to tell the tale, thus genuinely offering to accompany you up your last leg of that path to make it in whatever ways 50% easier than she herself had it at the time. (...and to whack him hard for you, LOL.)
It really is that easy. We - conscious we - don't "make" friends; that's a misleading term. Friendships happen naturally due to whatever shade of Green light within a band on the entire Green spectrum unconsciously attracting (via recognition = instant affinity) whomever else happens or once happened to hold, thus recognises, that very distinctive shade.
You reap what you sow. Start re-sowing. That's all there is to it. Pick up that phone and call your sister or whichever else family member(s) you always felt you most shared similar wavelengths with. Do it for your son if not for yourself. He's a TRUE victim because he's the only one GENUINELY totally helpless against removing himself from that highly toxic atmosphere and hence totally reliant on you doing it for him. I presume he and his happiness both present and future strikes you as worth your eating a little bit of Humble Pie in front of your family for five piddly minutes, if that? Because that's what it boils down to - always - whenever someone has truly had enough: "What or how much do I have to pay to be RID of this person?".
Lol soulmate. Such good advice for her. Why can't anyone ever give me a response on my issues as good as that. Just from reading that I can tell ur a very smart educated individual.
(My Elvis impression)
What issues where? You saying you've got a thread running or are you talking "real" life?
Yes I have a few threads running soulmate that I could use some advice on.