I regret dating my boyfriend and I started longing for my best friend. Help
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, and we started dating as strangers and we met through my close guy friend who was also his childhood friend. I was completely clueless about this but after a few months of dating he asked if we could exchange facebook passwords and we did, and I never logged onto his account, but he did log on to mine and blocked my ex who is now just an acquaintance. I didn't know about this till Christmas when my friend asked why I blocked my ex and I was totally confused so I unblocked him, and as soon as he found out he blew up and got mad at me later on I found out that he has been logging onto my facebook without my knowledge so I decided to log onto his. I was so shocked to find out what he's been saying to my friends; his close friend aka his childhood friend, I'll call him Nick to avoid confusion. Nick used to liked me back then and my bf knew it and still went for me which I find rather douche like, in addition he told my best guy friend, I'll call him David, to back off and stay away from me, I found this really offensive I felt like a piece of meat that he didn't trust at all. I talked about this with him and how I didn't like how he treated my friends, OUR friends. We argued about it a lot and he begged for my forgiveness and I did since this is his first time dating anyone, he said he was just insecure so I just forgot about it and leave the incident behind us.
A year has gone by and we hardly ever had any major arguments although there are some things we don't agree on it didn't matter much. But later on in our second year of dating he became more open, and he has problems... I try to understand that he gets angry easily, and that he's rather homophobic and a bit racist. It turned me off how homophobic he was, mainly because I'm bisexual and he tries to convert me to be straight and I just tell him that I'm straight to get the conversation to move on, and after that ordeal was over and done with he talks about how man should not lay with another man, that they'll just burn in hell. I just don't understand how he can't just see that God judges people by their deeds not who they lay with. He also has horrible class and table manners but I can look past it although it still bothers me.
Now on our third year I've been able to look past all of these since it wasn't too extreme seems like our religious beliefs aren't on par but its all right, but recently.. no not recently for quite awhile now maybe even a year now we've been having a lot of silence and a lot of sex in the relationship and I'm fine with it and all but it just feels boring, as if the sex is there to fill the boring gap of the day we spend together. To be honest it feels like a routine I go to uni go to his house and then we have sex before I go back home.
During the summer my boyfriend went on a family vacation for about 10 days, and during that time I hanged out a lot with my close friends and hanged out a couple of times with David and he introduced me to his work buddies who are really cool to talk to, they go to the same church and I spent lots of time with them talking about random stuff and I got to be with David like old times. During those times I saw my self comparing David and my bf a lot and so far David's winning be it our beliefs or simply just making me smile. One day I was at David's house hanging out with his older sister who took the same course as me and I wanted to check on David to see what he was doing and I saw him chatting on skype with my bf and I was pushed on edge because my bf just threatened David saying stuff along the lines of you keep bringing her to your friends, I don't even know them if anything happens to her I'm gonna beat you, you better look after her - ending off with saying - I trust you the least so don't do anything stupid. In addition to that my bf also talked to me about how he doesn't want me hanging out with them, that I could get raped or something, and I know them, I've been chatting with them for months before I met them they're nice, far nicer than he is, yet all he said was how if I get raped he'd just drop me, as if he was cursing me to get raped.
My bf got back after 11 days of being gone and he met David's friends and all and saw that they are nice, and he got along well with them. But ever since that experience, being with David and the big difference between them... I miss being with David or at least being with David made me realize how empty I feel with my boyfriend, how fake I have to act with him, how I lie about my sexual orientation just to avoid a very uncomfortable and insecure conversation.
I've contemplated about breaking up with him but... I'm so accustomed to being with him that I don't know how to go on with life not being with him, and this confused feelings towards David I don't know if I like him or I just feel more alive with him. I don't know what to do and sometimes I just wanna yank my hair out with frustration. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do, I've been having these weird feelings for 2 months now and ... I need help, please someone say something anything, I just want to know what my next step should be.
Idk to me your relationship with ur boyfriend seems toxic to me like he's way to controlling towards u by telling u who u can speak and hang out with. This is not healthy. Follow ur instincts. Follow what u already know and move on. This behavior from him could only get worse. Ur only dating and he's acting like this it's not ok.