How do I deal with a wishy washy friend ?
My name is Lauren I'm 25 years old . I really need advice on multiple things going on in my life. I have two illnesses called TSC and LAM they cause cysts to grow in my lungs and kidneys and it brings on depression anxiety and seizures . I been in and out the hospital I was on a chemo therapy pill to keep my diseases from progressing. I had kidney surgery last year cause of the cysts I been through a lot for a young person. I currently attend a Christian church that I been attending for 3 years or more they never notice me or have ever given me the time or day until they all came to realize about my condition . I recently became close friends with one of the girls from the church who is about to be 20 years old it's only a 5 year difference which I don't see a big deal with that at all she's going to be an adult. Anyways she tends to be very wishy washy and never knows what she wants . One second she's kind sweet and venting to me about her personal life but then when she's around a crowd of people I get ignored I don't get a hug like she gives to others I sometimes feel like I'm almost a stranger in her eyes. When I confront her about her actions on how I feel her answer always is " what did I do now " it's like I feel she's self absorbed she never owns up to what she does wrong and I know what I'm seeing is the truth because my pastors daughter who is 12 one Sunday aprouch her and said " you know if you would stop walking away from her every time she talks to you then you would see what a funny person that she is " that's coming from a mouth of a kid ... She never sees the things she does wrong . I'm always nice to her I'm always complimenting her and encouraging her concerning her person problems and the fact she takes on a youth leader position in the church , attends college , goes on retreats , and does many other things . I'm always there for her but I feel she never reache out to me or gives me the amount of love and support I give her. Like on Saturday we went on an event with the church and she got real nasty with me.. Attitude wise for no reason when all I simply said " you look your tired and don't wanna drive " I said that cause of her face expression and she gave me this what are talking about face expression and just got a bit on the snappy side . That day all though she got nasty with me I let it slide and I bought her this tree little light thing that lights up . I'm very a good friend to her but half of the times it feels like I want to be her friend more then she wants to be mine . When we discuss things and I come to the point and hinting at her it's coming to the point where I don't wanna be friends she does anything to fix it. Then she has a best friend that has anger issues suffers with depression isolates her self at times but is very secretive to her situations and her friend does not like me base on situations me and her had that she ran back telling her about .. And yes I'm the time that I'm sad at times because of illness and everything that's going on and the type that talks about my situations but tell me how my friend texts me one day asking to be honest with me and I said ok . She turned around saying I'm to difficult for people to be around at times that it's overwhelming that I could be very negative about a person and relationships to the point I make my self sad and cry before I understand the other person . And not everyone can deal with it at times . That was hurtful ! The first part was truly hurtful. I sat here questioning does she tell her best friend with the anger issues and depression this too ? I'm not judging her best friend but I feel you can handle to accept her but not accept me ? It's hypercritical if you ask me... Then yesterday I didn't go to church and I go and do art work for our Instagram of the church and I send it to her like I promise and she said she dig the picture then said she miss me at church and in my head I'm
Like if you miss me why didn't you text me and tell me that ? Why do I have to text her in order for her to tell me that ? It's very frustrating ... Then when she text me that judgmental text I mentioned about which was weeks ago she also mentioned that I try to hard to be people's friends and it's like I'm being my natural caring self what else do people expect me to be you know ? There are times where I mentioned to her maybe space would better our friendship I'm not saying it as a test or anything I'm mentioning space with good intentions and she's always like I don't think we need space I think we're fine . Every time me and her are hanging out one on one we connect so well ! We been through similar situations have similar personality traits and we get along well but the moment her friend that doesn't like me is around things start to get rocky .. Or when there is a group of people around things get Rocky as well . It's a very tough situation . I tried to be patient and be a good friend but at the same time I need to have self respect for my self ... I mean I know I have flaws but I can't change over night just like no one else can . What do you think of this situation ?
It's apparent that she does not - or can not - give you the kind and amount of attention that you want.
So - why would you have to try so hard with someone?
Sounds like she's just being 20.
it seems like your friend needs to act differently when in a group setting or with her other friend then when she is with you : that is her problem - not yours - you can decide if you want to go with this or if you have better things to do with your time
then maybe you are - most certainly being a good person - being too nice and far too willing to make an effort when she is not : you may want to ask yourself why it is that you are so invested in wanting to feel accepted, liked and appreciated - often people will (unknowingly) abuse people and situations where some fragility is noticed - it's like noticing the weak link in a chain and making use of it - for what purpose ? for self-empowerment and/or overpowering of others but in this case - it seems to be on another one's back - that is yours : your kindness is abused for her interest in making her feel more strong, better etc. so maybe you have to ask yourself why it is that you let people take advantage of your willingness to be kind : do you need empowerment ? do you need validation ? do you need to be heard ? you may find this best by setting your own boundaries in what you will and will not do that is best for you : put yourself first - not in a selfish egoistic way but out of self-respect.