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How to overcome my husbands past

Posted by
STRIPES
on Nov 17 2015 at 10:20
Member since: 17 November 2015
Relationship advice I have been trying to overcome my husbands past sex life. We have been married 14 years and have three children. We asked about previous relationships before we married, I had sex once with a man who basically used me and I lost my virginity. I told my husband everything before our relationship got serious. He told me vague information about his ex girlfriends. He admitted to having only one serious relationship with a gf as a teenager, they lost virginty to each other, she was a good friend to him and that he still cares about her as a friend. However he did not tell me about his relationship with an older woman he had for a few years( he was twenty(I think) and she was 45) soon after we got married he would surprise me with erotic sex acts/play, such as bondage/oily massages/porn/ etc. most of the time he would take substances such as amphetamine to which I was totally unaware at first. His ex older lover only came to light as our relationship went on through his display and fantasy stories he would tell me involving this woman. He gave me intimate details( I asked!) basically all his sexual experience he developed through her. He told me she was the best sex he ever had. I cannot get over this.. I am jealous and angry that he firstly kept her a secret and secondly that he spent six years of our initial years fantasising about her and looking at porn. I love him and I know he loves me too, he says he's sorry and that he cannot change things but it hurts that's I had to piece together his behaviour over the years and that he fantasised about her, but he will now not initiative anything remotely exciting even if I beg him for an oily massage. How do I overcome not being able to enjoy my desires because he is unwilling to do anything he's fine with her... Which is everything!

How to overcome my husbands past

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Nov 17 2015 at 13:08
Member since: 27 December 2013
First, you:

He was 20 when this all happened? That youth scene is hard to compete with - so STOP mind screwing yourself about his love life in the past.

You ASKED for details about a 20 year olds sexual experiences? A kid's perspective? And now can't get that out of your mind? Did you set yourself up for an "I'll-never-live-up-to-that" mindset? Stop competing with his past.

Next, him:

He needs to put down the porn and turn to his wife, now a more mature man who is a father and husband. Can he do that?

You two are in the "7 year itch" cycle of marriage and counseling would help you two re-connect. Somehow I don't believe that your angst (after 14 years and 3 children together) is ALL about his 20 year old sex experiences.

What else is going on?

How to overcome my husbands past

Reply from
STRIPES
on Nov 17 2015 at 19:42
Member since: 17 November 2015
Hi SUSIEDQQ

Thank you for your reply. It's not that I'm competing with what he had. Even I have a past which he knows all about. I found out about his endeavour as a young 20 year old, years after marriage in fact after my third child was born. Why didn't he tell me earlier about such a big part of his life. Which it clearly was because he has wasted nearly 7 years fantasising reminiscing about that particular part of his past. I only got to know about it after I discovered his porn addiction. Apparently he had always looked at porn. He did it throughout the marriage until February this year. Yes I had suspicions he was still indulging in it as I used to find and throw out magazines in the first year of marriage. Which he used to laugh off as a man thing, making it seem like it was to spice up/ideas for me in bed etc. the issue for me is that I forgave his antics and we agreed earlier this year February that he said he is over the porn and fantasy. Which is great! Only now sex has dried up, I have to keep asking to which he has many excuses number one being he is too tired (works full time) I've suggested a wkend away but he doesn't want to again every excuse.. Sex has since become so mundane same old quicke one after I've been begging for weeks. He is just not willing to listen to anything I feel so strongly about it. If I have to be explicit it's always missionary! He admits he has associations with(sex) with that woman. He refuses to give me a massage because he used to give them to her. We have never tried any other positions ever except few times early in marriage. When I ask him not nicely that I really desire this or that he gets angry and then I don't even get normal sex. I don't want to go through life without fulfilling my desires which are pretty ordinary! Like I said he has associations in regard to everything exciting to do with sex. I'm so frustrated I feel lonely and rejected.

First, you:

He was 20 when this all happened? That youth scene is hard to compete with - so STOP mind screwing yourself about his love life in the past.

You ASKED for details about a 20 year olds sexual experiences? A kid's perspective? And now can't get that out of your mind? Did you set yourself up for an "I'll-never-live-up-to-that" mindset? Stop competing with his past.

Next, him:

He needs to put down the porn and turn to his wife, now a more mature man who is a father and husband. Can he do that?

You two are in the "7 year itch" cycle of marriage and counseling would help you two re-connect. Somehow I don't believe that your angst (after 14 years and 3 children together) is ALL about his 20 year old sex experiences.

What else is go

How to overcome my husbands past

Reply from
THEDYNAMICSOFSOUL
on Nov 19 2015 at 13:59
Member since: 10 September 2015
"an older woman he had for a few years( he was twenty(I think) and she was 45) soon after we got married he would surprise me with erotic sex acts/play, such as bondage/oily massages/porn/ etc. most of the time he would take substances such as amphetamine" : apparently your husband has been involved in "complicated" sex associated with the intake of drugs - this can be very exciting because of the power plays, use and abuse in sexual positions/videos etc. and with drugs associated - it can excacerbate a lot of things of which erotic power play fantasies but also the chemical/hormonal components involved in bonding - but here we have a bonding based on sex essentially - not so much love it seems

in the beginning it seems he was happy to introduce you to all this and for him to continue fantasizing with porn and reminiscing on this woman - but then I suppose he got bored with having showed you all the tricks - bored with porn and maybe bored with not having this "sex-woman" anymore in his life

with you it's about marriage and love and maybe your husband has a difficulty associating sex with love : it is the madonna-whore syndrome - you are the "pure loving wife" and she (and those in porn) are the "whores" - this has nothing to do with you : this is about him not having correctly integrated psychological factors related to the oedipus complex - you might want to take a look into this.

How to overcome my husbands past

Reply from
STRIPES
on Dec 3 2015 at 14:58
Member since: 17 November 2015
Thank you dynamicsofsoul

I think you could be right about his difficulties relating sex to love. He refuses point blank to discuss that area of his past. He says that it's non of my business as its his past and I wasn't there and that I have "no idea what was going on at that point in his life" that's exacyly my point I need to know in order to get over the betrayal and deep hurt I feel. He has kept secret possibly a difficult time of his life from me. And it has had a major impact on our marriage from the start. I honestly feel betrayed, he knows full well our marriage is suffering because of his non communication in a major issue but is refusing to discuss it. I don't feel I can carry on like this. I feel deeply hurt and insecure in this relationship due to his denial of basic etiquettes if marriage. I love him he knows this, how can I rather what can I do for him to open up and talk about the issue. Any advice would be appreciated.

How to overcome my husbands past

Reply from
THEDYNAMICSOFSOUL
on Dec 3 2015 at 15:23
Member since: 10 September 2015
Stripes - thank you for your reply - maybe it's time you both redefine what marriage represents for both of you and individually : if 100% honesty is not on the menu - you have to ask yourself if you can live with that - you can not force him to talk or change but you can clearly decide what is good for you - once he sees that you are clear with yourself - either he will make an effort to adapt and have the relationship as a whole evolve by doing it "together" or the whole thing will start to wither .. wish you all the best :)

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