Wife of 16 years wants to separate out of nowhere???
First thanks to any recommendations, advice, or words of encouragement that you all may be able to provide.
My wife of 16 years has been having some pretty difficult health issues for the last 2 years and lost her job about 1.5 years ago.
Needless to say before this happened she was my life, my love, and my best friend. This has been extremely hard on both of us as
we have 3 wonderful boys. There are days she can't get out of bed and days she does too much house work. I took on a second job
to help ends meet and have not been home as much as I should, but we both knew this was necessary for us to keep the life we built.
About 2 weeks ago she told me I wasn't showing her enough support and I understand where she is coming from. My normal day
consists of me going to work in the morning, coming home, cooking, cleaning, baths, bed. Then I work almost all weekend long.
This is only temporary as she has a disability claim coming in and I can go back to normal once that comes in.
Last Saturday she hit me with some utterly devastating news, she wants to separate. At this point I am just destroyed, but agree
and pack a change of clothes for me and our 3 boys, then go to my moms for the evening. She goes out with some friends and stays
out all night and shuts her phone off. Before I left Saturday we hugged, kissed, and cried together, but Sunday afternoon she
was a totally different person. She wouldn't talk to me at all until last night and said that I have hurt her too much and she
don't know if we can comeback from this.
Me being a guy I had to ask if there is someone else and her response was "not particularly". I am just heart broken as she is now
gone (per her staying with a girlfriend). I have the 3 boys and I am trying to hold it together, she is still texting me like she
wants to work it out (I still don't know what "IT" is), but totally different when we are on the phone.
I am lost without her and don't know what to do, please help...
"I asked her if there is someone else and her response was "not particularly" But there could be? She then goes out with he friends and stays out all night and shuts her phone off. Why allow her to disrespect to to this degree. How exactly have you hurt her?
What exactly are her health issues that her friends are her source of support and not you?
Demand that she explains WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON!~ Stop accepting her mean/cruel selfish behavior towards you. A clear explanation of WHAT IT IS has to be made clear now. No more going to your Mom's house as if you're one of her children.
You need to be strong and don't allow your hurt feelings to deter you from taking back control of your family.Man Up and listen to what logic/your brain is telling you. Now is not the time to appear meek.
As far as me hurting her I guess with all the stress of working 2 jobs, all the housework, the kids I haven't been there
to support her emotionally, but this has only been a few months and is temporary, I think this is the same for support.
I do take her to every Dr. Appointment and fully involved with all discussions. She has a lot of health issues, fibromialga,
papladema, pysuedotumur cerebri, and she is bi-polar / manic depressive to name a few.
I only stayed at my moms 1 night, I came home and demanded to know what was going why she was treating me this way and she
only told me the same things I hurt her and I don't support her. She then proceeded to leave herself and went to stay at her
I am the kind of guy that gets a little side tracked and stressed, but I thought I was doing right. I even managed with all the
financial issues to take her to Hawaii last year. I also try to do the little things (messages, love notes, asking how her day
was and trying to have her elaborate), and I tell her how much I love and appreciate her multiple time a day. I just don't know
where I went wrong.
You're not Superman. One would have thought that with you bearing a significant amount of what would ordinarily be HER practical demands (on top of you working all the hours), that would leave her with freed-up energy and strength enough to deal with her own emotional stuff, as in 'comme ci, comme ca'. I'd say that was more than a fair deal myself, wouldn't you? After all, you play to your strengths, not your weaknesses. As a man, you ARE better at practical loads and probably not so much at being an emotional listening ear. So you've compensated for that. Too many men, even these days, wouldn't even bother to try to make up for that ineptitude with a barter.
She didn't mean emotional support, anyway, did she. I mean - actions, actions, ACTIONS - how emotionally dense can a man be that straight away seeks out emotional advice from strangers on a forum AND is that emotionally articulate in the process? NOT, is the answer! You HAVE emotional intelligence but what you don't have, thanks to her situation, is the spare time and energy. She said that purely because it makes her sound less ungrateful than 'not enough COMPANY' (preferably of the adult variety).
She's having an affair, alright (sorry, I know and recognise cheater behaviour inside and out). Sunday her attitude had turned on a sixpence because Sat night she'd finally had sex with him (sorry), hence ensured the phone was turned off (chats with friends are interruptable, n'est pas) and hence gave you belittling spiel right before she left, meant to straitjacket you against rearing up and slamming your foot down. Still not as sure she'd like to be about him, however (obviously, it being too soon), she's loath to confess properly to you lest that results in you slamming and locking the re-entry to you/the family gate.
She's been bored and then depressed, and figured that the excitement of an affair would somehow be a panacea to all her woes (particularly as it's a pursuit open to all, regardless of status and money, etc.), as in a huge ego boost to make up for the fact she's semi-useless and jobless (obviously doesn't see full-time motherhood as sufficiently satisfying) and, possibly, is also experiencing a mid-life crisis, brought on or exacerbated by her manic depression. That's why, despite you do far- no, MAJORLY (as in TOO MUCH!!!) more than most husbands, she's now resorting to "demonizing" you (go google, why do adulterers demonize their spouses). It's to erase whatever portion of the guilt, courtesy of a desperate scrabbling around for self-justifications. If she manages to convince herself you were this/that/this bad thing then it wasn't her decision, you MADE her, pushed her into it (pff!). But she can hardly pick fault over anything ELSE, now, can she, because everywhere else you're too squeaky-clean. Hence WHY she refuses to explain exactly what she means and go into any detail save for that safely vague, catch-all phrase of hers.
"Friends' house" my a*se.
Again, you're not Superman, albeit you do seem like a diamond. But right now she's certainly striking me as Lex Luther. And the weak always have, always will tried to take advantage of the strong.
You haven't GONE wrong. You've spoiled her. BERBOM. And she let you because she's greedy, ungrateful and over-entitled. BERBOM.
Other than that addition and elaboration, I agree with everything SK said so - pray both continue.