Can you help me get my love-avoidant ex back?
I was with my ex for 2 years. After over a year, he'd never said "I love you." Seemed so emotionally closed off -- I knew nothing about his feelings, his future plans or dreams -- if I asked he'd say "I don't make plans far in the future. I'll see when the time comes." Would refer to how his upbringing (in a poor 3rd world country) taught him not to plan for anything and "the world is not a rosy place" but would not ellaborate. He also didn't ask me many questions or seem interested in getting to know me on a deep level. Even on 2nd date he wanted me to come to his place and watch a movie, I responded I wasn't looking for a hookup, he took me to get ice cream then proceeded to take me back down to his place. I knew nothing about his family (let alone meeting them, or even Skyping with them, as they were overseas and he hadn't bothered to visit them himself in 10 years. Eventually talked to his sis through facebook and she said "Can you please make him care more about the family, I feel he has forgotten all of us." He'd respond to most of my stories or conversation starters with, "That's good." Would text me maybe once a night, but forget phone calls.
Well after a year, I was feeling insecure about it all. He'd randomly stop having sex with me "because I'm a Christian and it's wrong and not the way to build the right foundtaion for marriage"... YET he was the one pushing sex hard from date 1! Eventually he resumed, then stopped again another time for like a month. I'd come over his place and he'd just sit in the office doing work all night, when his job didn't even mandate he finish that work urgently...And he declared "Work will be my priority, not you, for at least years to come." Eventually I tell him "I don't know if we're on the same page, I mean you haven't even told me 'I love you' back when I've said it for months, and I'm not sure you eventually want the kind of future - marriage, kids, whatever- that I do." He goes "I do love you, I've never said that to any girl before." (He dated his ex for 3 years.) "I do want marriage and kids with you when I decide the time is right." I ended up giving him a hug, then going out bc he knew I had plans with my best girlffriend already. Well, later by reading his texts, I find out that he'd texted a single girl from his summer job and asked her to meet him up at the bar alone. She couldn't join, but he proceeds to spend the next week flirting with her, asking for pics, etc even while going out and having sex with me. Saved her as a guy friend's name on his phone and then deleted the texts (I saw them before he did). Much later when I confront him, he claims he considered us "broken up" at the time. News to me!! Regardless, a month later she's texting and asking her if he'll come over her place and drink once she's back in town. He says "definitely."
So after that incident it was hard for me to trust him again. And hard for me to trust that him assuring me of a future wasn't him just throwing me a bone to shut me up. Yes he asked me to move in, but his buddy texted and said to him, "May as well get a ring and make it official?", and my BF's response was just "I'm warming up to her moving in bc it's nice to only pay 1/2 the rent." Later he assured me my name was on the lease -- actually forwarded me an online lease for me to sign, with our landlord's name etc, then later I find out that she never signed it (which my boyfriend knew , while continuing to make me think I was on the lease and collecting rent from me).
From the very first time I brought up moving in together... or the subject of marriage... or anything about future, every time he broke up with me and only got back together after watching me cry for days. And then he wouldn't discuss, just went back to actlng like things were fine. Now he broke up with me a few months ago. He has reservations about seeing me again though he admits he misses me, because "I warned you that if you kept wanting to discuss marriage or the future, I'd dump you." (He couldn't even give an approximate timetable like "in a couple of years we'll get engaged.") BUT I called him last Friday night and he stayed on phone with me for 1.5 hours!! Very quiet but that's his normal self. So now I'm encouraged. How do I convince him I miss and need him so much that I'll shut up about future discussions for good?
More info/ when I asked about his previous GF once he said, after 3.5 years "she wanted to talk about getting engaged and I didn't so we fought and I dumped her." later I found out she had confronted him about texting other women "hey sexy" immediately after having sex with his GF, and when she confronts him about it, he dumped her. And said the GF must be crazy because he was just "joking" with the "friend" to whom he sent the flirty messages. So based on all these tendencies is there any real way to get this guy to love me??
this guy seems to care mostly for himself - it seems he's interested in having you as an asset (for paying rent for example) and "a regular" gf - he's obviously not involved with you : he just wants you to keep hanging around - available - you shoudn't allow for him to have "things" going on with other girls while he's with you - obviously you both don't have the same values and views on life : although I understand you may love him - he's not "the one" for you - he's playing you even though at times he may "have feelings" - get out and move on : you deserve better.
This guy has given you a up close view of who and what he is. Threatening to dump you because he doesn't want any part of marriage- does this sound like a man you cares and loves you NO!!!!!
Break it off for good, this man is not marriage material and will only continue to use and abuse you.
He didn't say he wanted no part of marriage. He said "I'm the one buying the ring, so I'll bring it up when I decide the time is right. But if you keep bringing it up/asking about it; then it'll just be longer and longer and eventually I'll get past point of no return and dump you."
You say "so based on all these tendencies is there any real way to get this guy to love me? You can't make anyone love you, either they do or they don't.
Why are you ignoring what is obvious?
Well if I hadn't insisted on discussing future plans or a general timetable for stuff... I just want to know how to convey to him that I'm truly sorry and can't be without him. Because I think he broke up w me every time, and would often stare at walls or work in his office like a robot for hours, because it's hard for him to have closeness due to something in his past. But it's encouraging that he answers my call on a Friday night and stayed on phone for 1.5 hours so I just don't kno how to convince him to take me back
this guy seems to care mostly for himself - it seems he's interested in having you as an asset (for paying rent for example) and "a regular" gf - he's obviously not involved with you : he just wants you to keep hanging around - available - you shoudn't allow for him to have "things" going on with other girls while he's with you - obviously you both don't have the same values and views on life : although I understand you may love him - he's not "the one" for you - he's playing you even though at times he may "have feelings" - get out and move on : you deserve better
Thanks but I think he did mean it when he said he'll marry me someday wen he decides the time is right. Now he's just mad at me for being pushy, and for not being trusting after his incident w asking the other girl for photos, saying he'll drink at her apt w the two of them, etc and not apologizing to me for it