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I just realized that I'm still in deep depression

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I'm engaged to a European guy who brought me to his country land in 2013 for the sake of good future. Back then, I was a naive little Asian girl who desperately hoped for the best. 2 of us thought that everything would have worked out. It turned out to be a horror story. I wish I could've stayed the same as other innocent Asian girls, at least Indonesian fellows of mine. I have gone through all racial discriminations throughout my living abroad experience even til now. I went mad, frustrated, all sorts. For a long time, I haven't been accepted to any job due to my racial background and regardless of my English proficiency. Yes, I am only assuming that. I "fled" to the States last year for some fresh air. As well, I worked under unauthorized circumstances cause I finally felt working for a real "work". Although, I had to suck up my most pride every single damn time. I felt sorry for myself. Little did I know, my American dream had to switch into the scariest nightmare I had ever imagined. Long story short, I brought a friend to my work place and he "back shitted" me resulting everyone to hate on me :( I had no friends. Nobody carried any ease to me. I felt like I was in a living hell. Couldn't breathe, helpless, frustrated, overwhelmed, terrorized, scared. You name it. Til I couldn't hold on anymore, I came back to Europe reaching my fiance's shoulder to cry on. I came back for the sake of self recovery. Didn't have anything to do at all. I tried to send in my application for work but it all failed. I almost committed suicide. I felt like I had no options in life even til now. My fiance then found a job in a better neighboring country with a hope on me getting a job finally. Since the beginning of this year, I have been jobless. I tried hundreds across Europe but negative. I thought I was fine. I have been pulling through everything yet I am so much overwhelmed. I do still feel scared, I do feel sad at times, I do feel furious for being undervalued, and I can't get any help :( I share everything with my fiancé but deep down there, I still believe that he just doesn't get me at all cause he's never been on the same page. I got no friends who can fit in. I feel lonely although I could connect to everyone. Right now all I can think about are just to hope less than I did, to accept the truth that I am "just"an Asian girl who always get no privilege in life, to undergo all the racist yells, to be rejected all my life. I am always an underdog...

I just realized that I'm still in deep depression

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Thank you so much for such a warm message, Aunt Kitty. I haven't known how it feels to be comforted for too long considering the majority of Europeans are cold and xenophobic. I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough but I can't even describe nor can I start to reminisce each case. I hold a Bachelor degree in English language and literature if that helps. I sacrificed quarter of my life switching everything into English friendly environment as I was highly obsessed with the language. I am reaching 25 btw. I came to Europe for the first time in my life doing an exchange program abroad. Out of many, I was selected with 2 other students for this program but they called off due to the visa requirements. I was the only one left who didn't give up. I thought the university would appreciate me any better realizing the juniors who followed my path after, received full financial support from the university while back in my experience, I received only 500$ for the whole stay. Yes it wasn't fair at all. It's been my question where the rest of money has gone? Anyways, I was extremely happy that I made it and never realized that I would meet the love of my life. I extended my stay just to spend more time with him and figure out how the relationship worked. We graduated and he bet his life coming to Indonesia for me and looking for an opportunity. After 6 months of trying, it didn't work out for him. I decided not to start any work contract cause I knew, he would always need me to comfort him. That was pretty obvious that he couldn't get anything to do cause he was not in possession of legitimate stay permit. He could only keep extending his tourist visa. Plus, he nagged all the time how he didn't like the situation there anymore and begged me to come back to Europe with me having no legitimate work experience and hoping my English capability would help. I was full of dreams. Back then, I am cherishing, my friends and other people adored me for striving for my dreams. I was cheerful and ambitious at the same time. Til I made my 2nd time of living abroad happen for a different purpose. We got everything set for me for the job market. Read : stay permit. Through my casual life abroad, I was never taken down too much. Locals called me an "immigrant" who fled from an underprivileged country. Fyi, my family is wealthy enough to feed me for the whole life. I indeed felt like I was a refugee. No, I didn't need money! I needed an experience abroad. Often times, I swallowed the name of equivalent "chinked eyes" and it's now become something acceptable to me. I was furious, devastated, and lost control. I sent too many applications til this part-time English teaching position happened. Yes I was overjoyed til I realized that I was not hired full time because I am simply a non-native speaker. How did I know? I asked fellow teachers who are the native ones and realized they got paid twice more for the same work. Some students were pleasant, some were intimidating cause I am an Asian teacher who taught English language. In the mean time, I kept sending tons of applications with a hope for getting hired in a different field. I was simply desperate. Once, I wanted to see the UK as I never visited an English speaking country shaming my education achievement. My fiance and I were prepped ready for the vacation til I was rejected to fly because I couldn't fly with my stay permit of Europe. I tried second time but my visa application was rejected stating that we weren't married. Living my life situation like that, I contacted an Indonesian friend living in the US for some help. He then offered me to work in a restaurant as a server. Yes my passion came back on fire. Though I knew it wasn't right to work on a tourist visa. That's why I mentioned "unauthorized". No contract, nothing but cash only. Hope you won't turn me in. I sent an application for the visa at the US embassy here but it was, again, rejected. I was so crushed and devastated. I came back home being depressed and losing myself til my fiancé realized that I was going through mental depression. For a few days, I was scared to speak, I starved myself for losing my appetite, I teared up all the time. Honestly, I lost my memory for a short period of time. My fiancé tries to recall me what I did that night but I can never recall. It took me some time to recover until a good friend of mine gave me very supportive wisdom. This is the question that got me the most : "What's your own fear? Know it and conquer it!" With all I had left, I flew back to Indonesia spending the whole earning just for American visa. Yes I did it! You couldn't imagine how it feels to be really grateful for something that people underestimate because they possess the privilege. I flew across the world for the US. I was picked up by this friend and sooo much captivated! That was probably the best feeling ever. I had to get moving as soon as I touched down the US. I started working in my first restaurant and realized not long after that a female coworker was jealous of me. Along with others, she didn't let me have many tables to serve. One night I came home with only 40$ in my hand after 10 hours of work. You know, I didn't get any wage other than making my earning from the tip. I broke down. I quit and ran into the restaurant next door for any hiring position. Luckily, I got one. It was much more comforting and everyone there cared for me. I, then, brought a friend who desperately needed a job but couldn't get one. I paid it forward for a friend in the US helping me. I thought I knew this friend I brought well until he made up a story about me turning everything to hate me the most :( Everytime I went home, I cried out and felt lonely cause my fiancé wasn't there with me. We went through the toughest time together. I couldn't help anymore and I missed my fiancé so bad that I flew back to Europe. I left with no mercy. I bet everyone there still hates me for some false reason. Just, there was one little girl who happened to be my loyal customer, suffering from cancer and she's the only one who I could get comfortable with. I had to leave without letting her know and the next time she came, she kept asking where I was and once she carried a gift for me but I wasn't there anymore:( Hope she still survives... I remember the reason I came for the US was to bet my life on acting industry. I love performing art but I never made it. At least, I just couldn't. I thought I would've made it here for being exceptionally Asian and I got the face too but I guess, the whites are still in the first place here. The truth is I am personally ambitious that I want to create something for my life. As well, I want to be acquired academically. Yet, people still judge for all the efforts I have achieved. It then made me think that any records achieved in Asia are worthless here. So here I am in Maastricht, Netherlands, having no job but I create my own by being a freelance English teacher. Yet, nobody gives me some credit on that. I still have my family living in Jakarta, Indonesia. They yearn me coming back there but I have forgotten how to be Indonesian. I have sacrificed too many things in life that I wish I could take them back. I do regret for the big changes yet I am in no great possession other than having a wonderful fiancé who is devoted to take care of me. Therefore, I am afraid that I wouldn't make it back in Indonesia cause I have lost so much. Hope you understand this stage of life where you are a complete stranger of your own. Although I know I would be so much appreciated with all I have now back in Indonesia. They need someone like me but I can't rest assure anything since I have lost faith in many things. I could tell everyone that I am different, culturally broad minded, and an outstandingly fluent in English but none of them is on the paper. Technically, as said, I am just Asian (obviously from the look), a graduate at Indonesian university, a fiancée of a European national and all that is on the written record. That's all Aunt Kitty and thank you for someone like you who still exists and cares.

I just realized that I'm still in deep depression

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Hello, I believe you must never allow anyone to define who you are. You must define who you are, A Strong, Smart, Intelligent, Ambitious woman who is proud of her Asian heritage. Never say "I am just Asian" we are all much more than our heritage. Your education is not worthless, that's just bull. You should continue your higher education by taking additional courses at the BS and Graduate level. Enrolled in University in Netherlands since you have the time, furthering your educations looks better on a resume than "currently seeking employment. Would Translating or being an Interpreter be a interest to you if so learn what it wold take to become credentialed in this area. Learning a third language always looks impressive on a resume. Working with children who have learning and speech disabilities is another area where your language skills would be a fit. Do you have a really good professional resume, that outlines your achievements? Don't wait for other to give your credit, give YOURSELF CREDIT! When you say your a Freelance English Teacher, does that mean our teaching in a school or Tutoring students privately?

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