So... her mum found out about us
So... I tried the chatroom here first, but everyone was super hostile and I couldn't get in a sideways word. I hope that everyone here on the forum will be a little more productive.
I accidentally hit enter, hehe. Anyhow, I've been dating someone long distance for almost a year now. We knew eachother for a long time before then... it's amusing how it happened, really, she accidentally added 'I love you' to a message when she left one day, and I questioned it slightly, and before we knew it... I love her dearly, and she loves me, that much is certain. Before anyone asks, we're both entirely abstinent. Now, she's an extremely good person. She shares my passion for linguistics, she's a straight A student, and she's incredibly intelligent and mature. Almost all of her friends are older than her for these reasons. Now, the main issue here is her age. She's only 12. I'm 18, just barely. I know that this is very sketchy from a legal perspective, but I could never, ever hurt her. Plus, it's not like we would do anything sexual, even if she were overage; that's not what our relationship is about. I don't really care whether your personal moral compass leads you to look at a person's age and appearance rather than who they really are; it's not that I date children or that I date 12 year olds or that I date whites or even that I date girls. It's that I date people I love. She's the first such person, and I think probably the last.
Now, my questions specifically. Is anything that's happened illegal? No sexual contact or rude photos or anything like that. We haven't even kissed. The only thing we've done that is any different than what would be expected of normal friends is saying we love eachother, and that's certainly true. Now, what if I decided to visit her? I would of course speak to her guardian in person beforehand. Would their guardian have legal grounds to attack me or anything of the sort? And, finally, does anyone have personal rather than legal advice?
"So her Mum found out about us" What Happened?
And yes it's illegal to engage into a relationship with a minor child period.
("but everyone was super hostile". Were they?! Could you notify Richard about this via an email, please?)
Re the first, I'm not really sure, it was quite confusing. I think she must have read a message which ended in 'I love you' or something like that. She didn't really explain what it means that she knows, all I can tell is that I haven't gotten anything in the post or online since; they have a good relationship, but I'm worried about my girlfriend.
Re the second, source? I can't find anything about it...
(Who is Richard? Sorry if I missed something obvious, hehe. Yeah... I tried to explain my situation politely, but people just abused me; apparently I deserve to have some very interesting things done to me with a rusty plow. Even though I didn't really do anything wrong I was then muted, and other messages on the subject boiled down to 'must be a troll'.)
(Top Green banner, far right - "SUPPORT" - third down (EMAIL). Richard's the owner of this forum and he'd want to know if people - even farm-hands (LOL) - were behaving untoward, especially without provocation, in the chatroom. I laugh (purely about the rusty plough bit) but we do actually take bullying very seriously and Richard would want to be know about it immediately. I'd go on and look myself but it's not my policing domain.)
of course 12 years old is too young - so young - so very young : even though you say she's very mature she still is only 12 and has yet "some road to cover" - so I would say your mutual "love" is maybe more of a genuine sincere and warm friendship - you appreciate each other for all the things you mentioned : I would say - keep it so - keep this a beautiful friendship for now - I believe the overall "age of consent" is 16 : so you both see in 4 years where you're at - each one of you and together - as for her mum - you may be her bff : I see no problem with that
I would say it was mental/intellectual love only at this point (between an older head on young shoulders and a slightly youthful head on older shoulders) (who said life was that convenient or helpful anyway, that it shaped itself around man-made requirements) - BECAUSE she has 4+ years in which to catch up with your own now-legal status, and yours and her minds fully appreciate this taboo. Put it this way, if you were 30 and she were 24 then no-one would bat an eyelash. Or, indeed, you were 24 and she were 16. You can't help who you fall in heads-first love with.
I suggest you email or, better yet, write an actual letter to her mother to allay any fears by explaining that you're perfectly HAPPY to wait four, five, SIX years without ever-ever-EVER encroaching into the bodily-physical domain - BECAUSE you already respect and care for her daughter as well as society's legalities too much... SAY she's your bestest friend ever...and you could also point out that by then, she'll have a ready-made steady with already long-provably honourable and lofty intentions 'in-built', which you would hope her mother might appreciate when compared to the norm of having to watch ones daughter having to date "cold" and thereby kiss an awful lots of frogs (some of them slimy or downright toxic). In the letter offer politely to let her mum meet and 'interview' you, just you and she, if she ever wants to - the date, time, venue obviously being of her choosing - as many times as she needs - so that she can 'get your number' and come away feeling in-control (because at her daughter's age, she should be). In other words, you give her right of playing supervisor and chaperone.
If she says, no dice, show her you accept her feelings about it all with grace but obvious crushing disappointment for the fact that you and her daughter must go your separate ways.
If you can show that kind of mature courage, considerateness and deference (in the process automatically demonstrating a respect for all authority), LIKE a sensible grown-up, and a very well-behaved, respectful and gentlemanly one at that, I'm sure it'd go a very long way - whether instantly or over time with a bit of mulling - to turning her mum's alarm into seeing the innumerable but non-obvious positives and benefits contained in her daughter spending the next 4 years being your pen-pal-only, heads-and-hearts-only, "girlfriend" or chaperoned "bessie mate". And that applies ESPECIALLY to school-leaving exam time: no typical, parent-worrying boy distractions for HER when it's time to revise hard! She can leave that malarchy to her friends.
Thereafter, the longer you then remain containing your relationship to just mailing, the more and more she'll see your claims proving themselves true and relax.
This is, potentially, a long-haul strategy, though. You prepared for that?
I'd easily wait a few centuries if the difference is whether I can even talk to her, nevermind a few years. However- wouldn't the fact that I know her address worry her mother, regardless of the contents of the letter? I'm sure there are other issues inherent, but that's the first to come to mind.
You'd both be rather stinky and short on flesh if you did that, LOL, but - point taken.
Yes, the fact you know her address indeed would. But that's one of the points of a letter. Not only does it go a long way to giving back the woman her due motherly control but ALSO, and here's the most salient bit - if you've already committed your promise of long-term integrity to paper you'd have to be dumb as rhymes-with-truck to then try anything stupid like midnight shimmying up her drainpipe in the face of it, right? If you did shimmy WITHOUT previously having shown an awareness on-paper regards where all the boundaries lay, as well as how tightly, you could, thanks to your technical age, play any degree of ignorant and innocent to the Police if ever caught or later found out. So implicationally, your letter would include this cast-iron preventative until such time as mum started to relent.
I deliberately didn't add 'or gf came of-age' there because, if this gal *is* your childhood sweetheart then that deference of yours needs to be a permanent underpinning of your relationship given that mother would one day become mother-IN-LAW, meaning, neither would you suddenly 'pounce' before her daughter had even finished blowing out the 16th cake candle, just because the TECHNICAL coast were clear.
Are you willing to 'chastity-belt' yourself like that? Would you know how to write such a guarantees letter?
PS: Just out of interest, did you go to public school?