GF sleeps with son
on Dec 2 2015 at 14:35
My GF and I are both in our mid 40's, recently both divorced, and both have young children (hers are 12 boy/17 girl, mine are 11 boy/13 girl). I recently moved in with her after dating more than 2 years. She has her kids every other week and I get my kids every other weekend. When we are by ourselves, things are great. However, whenever her son comes, she insists on sleeping with him in his bed. Even before I moved in, they always slept together when the son was at her house. Upon discussing this, she states that she doesn't feel right sleeping with a man that she's not married to, in the presence of her son. She has no issues sleeping with me if just her daughter is staying in the house, so it doesn't really sound like a moral issue to me. She caters to her children to the extreme and it just feels to me that she does not want to discontinue sleeping with her son for fear of upsetting him. I would like to eventually get married but I have no assurance this would change the situation. So, to help mitigate the situation, I have begun sleeping in a spare bedroom when her son is over, which frees up her bed. But she continues to sleep with her son. Does anyone have any ideas on this matter?
on Dec 2 2015 at 20:23
Wats age of son?
I think marriage would alter the situation.
However may be its nt a serous issue if really she doesnt want to sleep wid u infronta her son.
on Dec 2 2015 at 22:21
Maybe she has had recent marriage or situation in we're she was attacked or maybe something bad happens to and she probably feels safe around her son. Maybe you should ask her it will better relieve tensions.
on Dec 3 2015 at 13:29
So why can't her son sleep in the spare, you on the couch and her in her bed?
How long does she feel this sleeping arrangement will last? I believe you both should address the issue together. 12 years old is too old to still be sleeping with mom. But first you both have be on the same page- She has to be in agreement that the time has come to change the sleeping arrangement. If she agrees to having him sleep in the spare- problems solved, if not she may be more of the problem than you realize.
on Dec 3 2015 at 13:42
could it be your girlfriend still has some trauma/unresolved issues from her last relation and is (probably unconsciously) transferring onto her son whom she sees now as the one "man" in the house to whom she "owes" - it seems she feels more "accountable" to her son then to her daughter - as if her having an adult woman's life is not permissible in the eyes of her son : that is - she might think nobody can stand up to her son - she has put him on a pedestal - the poor boy I believe doesn't undertand much about all this except that he's mighty important (could lead to becoming a spoiled kid and narcissistic) and this can not be healthy in the long run for no one - there seems to be a "sin" put on sexual behavior on her part since sleeping with you without being married - she considers it to be a sin - maybe she wants to be "pure" for the one she upholds (her son) - overall I do think this is not a healthy situation for nobody : you as being her "man" - should ask her to make a clear distinction between (for her) having a man and having a boy : does she want to be a girl or a woman ? or does she only want to be a (perfect) mother ? be kind with her but not too compromising : I don't think she is actually very aware of what is going on .. ask for a clear situation with boundaries wherein each one knows which role they play but give it some time to evolve and work itself out for each one
on Dec 3 2015 at 13:51
I began sleeping in the spare room about a week ago, hoping that she could transition back to her bed, leaving her son to sleep alone. This way, all three of us would be in separate bedrooms. But so far, she has continued to sleep in her son's bed. As far as her son becoming spoiled, we are beyond that point. She caters to his every need, with few exceptions. I'm going to give it another week and if she hasn't made a move back to her bed I will approach her about it. It's extremely frustrating because I care for her a great deal, but without changes being made, this could potentially be a deal breaker for me. I would like to eventually marry her but as of right now I have no assurance that things would be any different if we were to get married.
on Dec 3 2015 at 14:30
My mistake, there's not an issue of not enough bedrooms.
You should sit down with her and express your concerns and frustrations over her son's sleeping arrangement. Since you're willing to sleep in separate bedroom to accommodate her, she must finally deal with this issue rather than continue enabling/and catering to her son's sleeping arrangement. I believe she is more the problem than him.
Suggest that you both address this as a team, either she's with you or she's not. If she's not, get ready for more of her excuses. I don't buy her "sleeping with a man in the presence of her son and not being married makes her feel uncomfortable " and you shouldn't either.
on Dec 3 2015 at 14:53
Thanks SKINNYGIRL. I really don't buy her excuse either. She's had a couple of excuses over the past couple months. One of my favorites was "I don't want to upset him to the point that he wants to go live with his father full time". I agree that I do need to discuss it further with her and I will. I just know that it's a touchy subject of conversation and I feel I need to approach it delicately. I don't really like using ultimatums but the bottom line is, if she doesn't make some changes in the near future, I cannot continue going the way things are going right now.
on Dec 3 2015 at 16:06
Sometimes ultimatums are all you have left. Where does he sleep when he's with his father?
She needs to understand that as the man of your home things will run as you dictate. If she isn't on board, you should explain t her as delicately as possible that if she isn't willing to respect your wishes, then you "cannot continue going the way things are going right now."
Ultimatums mean nothing if you don't follow thorough. If you don't take control over how your home will run, she and her son will no doubt be running you.