No intimacy from my wife anymore!
Hey, I'm 45. For 15 years I had a relationship with my girlfriend/wife that was magical in every way! I was so lucky! Long story short, after we had our daughter my wife stayed home to take care of the kids as we agreed. ( I made 3x the money she did at the time) Then she started to feel worthless since she " wasn't pursuing a career". . AND...this became MY fault somehow. THE INTIMACY STOPPED. SEX STOPPED. I tried to understand. I gave up my job and started to work from home and take care of the kiddos ( which is awesome! ) so she could go out and get a career. She became a nurse! Yay. Now she is so into her carreer she has little time for me or the kids. I have not had sex once in 12 years. I don't cheat. But boy do I miss it! The snuggling, the intimacy, the sex, the love. I'm a decent looking guy. I stay in shape. I'm pretty upbeat! I love life,my kids and my job! But I miss being intimate. IS this normal at all for 45 year old girls? Do they all lose their sex drive? Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening!
If you're 45 how old is she? That means you were what? 33 the last time you were intimate? That is so not normal. Have you sat her down and openly spoke to her about this? That is a huge part of a relationship. You need to talk to her. Couples HAVE to make time for each other. IDC how many hours you're working. How much money you're making, men and women both need intimacy in their relationships. Or there will be no relationship w/o that closeness what do you have? She can't expect you to live like that. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. I am 40 and I will be darned if I were in a relationship and my significant other expected me to go 12 years like that. No, no, no. TALK TO HER NOW!
Agree with LACI1975-
How did you allow this go on for 12 years! Neither of you have discuss this?
This is not normal, however some woman go through early menopause and this would effect her sex drive, but this started when she was 33 years old. Please have a heart to heart talk with her express your feelings about wanting an intimate relationship with her as man and wife.
You seemed to have given up everything to make her life happy and yet in return has somehow got you to accept a live without intimacy, you've paid too high a price for her to have her very selfish/self-centered but happy live she seems to enjoy.
Way past time to BE A MAN and MAN UP, Put your Big Boy Pants on and STAND UP for your happiness and desires. We all have just one life to live, 12 years is long enough to give up control over your life, desires, and has successfully gotten you to believe that this is normal. You seem like a very nice man who deserves to LIVE LIKE MAN. Take control of your life.
You say "Just needed to vent" this is the weak position, Vent but put some action behind it- BE STRONG.
Thanks for trying to help you guys. But I'm not a wuss. And believe me I've tried to discuss this with my wife so many, many times! She has no interest in working out "my problems" . I talk my heart out, and she has absolutely no reply. Nothing. Kinda fucked up. Just in an impossible position. In every other aspect of my life I'm in control and love earth life! I just dont care to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. Fuck that. For me, it's more about the intimacy also than just the orgasm. Meaning, the hottest thing about a girl is if she WANTS to have sex with me! The other thing is if I give her an ultimatum, she can always say she's taking the kids and leaving. That is the game-changer. I could not live without my kids. I love my kids more than I love sex. Argh! Thus, I was venting. Because what the hell else can I do? Besides dream!
Would shared custody not be acceptable to you? What are your children ages? Why do you feel she's in a better position to take your children from you? Is there an arrangement/agreement/separation that your wife would agree to that allow her to maintain her live pretty much as it is, while giving you the lion share of custody (you said she has little time for you or the kids)allowing you to live separate from her?
You're awesome for trying to help me.
Thanks! My kiddos are 13 & 14. As far as who would get the kids: The norm is split custody. No way. I'm raising my kids. Regardless of my wifes best intentions, she would totally screw them up. Ive done it since they were born, she doesn't respect what they are going through as pre-teens.( her way or the highway my kids always say) . But she adopted a very feminist attitude after we had kids which I ( stupidly?) supported. So she see things such as cleaning the house, raising kids, cooking, ( and apparently sex) as anti-feminist. So she abstains from all of these. But she would never give me total custody of the kids. She would see that as a WIN and she would never let me "WIN" something over her. Her towering girl- pride would not allow it. Wow...reading this DOES make me sound like a wuss. But it's kinda blackmail: Deal with it or lose the kids to some degree. I guess my initial reason for reaching out was 1.) Venting. 2.) Hoping for some magical answer so I could have sex again! I really miss it. 3.) Maybe some girl could explain why this wonderful girl I loved turned into a bitch. Thanks for taking time out of your life to consider this. But really, I've spent 12 years thinking about it. NOt sure there's much to do except enjoy the good parts ( I really do have great kids!) and suck it up for now.
menopause has not to be a "problem" - even though it does change the hormonal state - one can still have a very good sex drive and enjoy great orgasms - even better maybe : a woman may know her body (and what makes her mind get all turned on) a lot better at an older age then at a younger stage where sometimes it's exepected to have the other "initiate" - thus taking away the power to find out for oneself
Look NICK44, I realize that you love your kids and you don't want to lose half their time to your wife. That would be a really tough blow. I completely respect your dedication and concern for your children. They're lucky to have you. What I'm about to say is way easier said than done... I recognize that. But I'm going to be honest and direct.
You have a normal, healthy sex drive and a desire to feel wanted. That is something that you should take a stand for. Your situation (NO SEX IN 12 YEARS!) is extreme. It sounds like your wife does not value you very much. At the very least, you two are not sexually compatible. I think you owe it to your children (and definitely to yourself) to end this relationship and make a choice for your own well-being. Believe me, your children will respect you. It's a good example to set for them that you, and they, deserve to be happy and shouldn't feel ashamed or scared to decide to do what is right for them.
My wife's parents divorced when she was a kid. They, in short, were not compatible. They fought all the time. They made a difficult but smart choice to separate. They raised their three kids in a loving way. My wife and her siblings all agree that the divorce was a good choice and they each have a good relationship with their mom and dad. I'm not saying that this situation always happens or that it would turn out this way for you. But, I don't think that you should put your feelings and your sex life on hold because you're fearing the arrangement with your kids. It could be a great thing for you.
Also, I'm in my twenties, recently married. I too am experiencing a loss of my sex life. My wife hardly wants it anymore. I don't know what 12 years of celibacy feels like, but I can tell you that it really hurts a lot to feel physically unwanted. It breeds resentment. It's not fun. My wife and I are working on it and I do hope that things change. I want to encourage you to make a choice for your well-being. You can still be a great father (maybe a better one) and look out for yourself too.