So here is my story..My teenage years were not ideal i was always an outcast...Everyday was another day in the calendar with no friends no relationships just a troubled teen boy struggling to find a grip to hold on..Well long story short i finished high-school with barely any beautiful experiences during my school years i was depressed and miserable..Summer was there but i shut myself inside home i stopped eating and i came close to anorexia..I knew i was leading myself to a death sentence so i decided to man up face my demons and change my life when i was 18..Since then my life changed for the best my life for once started to shine i was more attractive than ever i started having relationships with girls created some very good relationships with people until i reached my early 20's..I would like to mention that i am a track and field athlete in a competitive level..For years it made me feel good and passionate about something since i never really had any motivation for anything else...Truth is i was always a good person i've always tried my best to make other people feel beautiful i was there for them and also helped them with anything they wanted but i never ever had any real friends even though they appreciated me helping them they would probably never help back if i needed it or simply tell me i appreciate you helping me but i don't really wanna hang out with you.Now in my early twenties im currently 21 i am again at a point where everything is going downhill...The few friends i have they are always disappointed in me they never feel satisfied regardless of the fact that i have university lectured everyday and also intensive track and field trainings..If i please a friend someone else will complain and vice versa and i am at a point that i feel like a worthless trash my grades are suffering in University my parents are mad and upset when i train i am not 100% there my times are suffering i can see myself no longer being that passionate and devoted and on top of that everyone has something to blame me for..I have utterly lost my motivation to do anything whatsoever i literally sit in my bed all day listening to depressing music dreaming of me with some money and a travelling bag and just travelling alone..I feel like a disappointment a trash i simply disappoint everyone in my life and what i hate the most is the fact that my mother has always been there for me but i have no motivation to do something good with my life..She is such a strong person she grew up with no parents no money and yet she is fighting like a lion everyday and me im just a crying douchebag who sits on his bed crying all day and blaming himself about everything feeling worthless...I have no idea what to do anymore how to live my life and be happy...I've lost my motivation...Just to clarify i am not suicidal im not thinking of killing myself i just don't find a motivation to live either...No matter what i do in my life i am always average i can't form a strong relationship with a girl nor with people and friendships...
Sounds like you may need some more self confidence in your life... Or better friends.
First off, (coming from the awarded "leader of the misfits" at school) there's nothing wrong with being an outcast. I had a rough life too, it's all about perspective
I used to be suicidal, back in high school. Hardly anyone would listen to me, or take me seriously. I knee this wasn't the way I wanted to go, so I changed my perspective (which isn't easy, I'm not gonna lie). Instead of dying for the wrong reasons, I decided to live for the right reasons
You say you're no longer attractive. But attractiveness is all about your confidence, and self-esteem. I was in a beautiful relationship for almost 6 months (still coping with the break up, honestly. She said she's doing better without me right now, so I'm feeling a bit better, now that I know she's improving) and I look like a husky Anders from In Flames lol.
Maybe taking your negative energy and channeling it into something positive may help. Maybe become the best in Track and Field, or channel your energy toward your university marks. Love is something that finds you, and will come to you in due time. For now, be the best you can, so that you can boost your self esteem and your future.
If your friends are being so one sided, you can either talk to them about it, or just continue on without them. True friends stick by your side and help carry you through tough times.
Is there anything that I've missed?
yes ANTIHERO41590 - well said : instead of dying for the wrong reasons, decide to live for the right reasons
ACOLYTE - why would you be an outcast ? many people feel they don't fit in but that's no reason to get all depressed about it
you mention you're a track and field athlete in a competitive level - you say it makes you feel good and passionate : we know that high level sports induce an important production of chemicals and hormones such as for example adrenaline (the will to pursue) and dopamine (the reward) - sports people can litterally become addicted to it but as we know with any "high" comes a "low" and the more accustomed people become the higher dose they need to get the feeling of the initial high - so it's a never ending and impossible goal to attain and maintain
are you trying to please everybody ? I see you dealing with thinking you disappoint your friends - feeling guilt and shame
I notice your mother is "all in" - always there to uphold everything - never falling - never failing : how high is she putting the bar for herself - and you ?
you say you're always "average" : maybe you shoud allow yourself to just be that for once - average - you can not always be on top - maybe you're trying too hard to be the best with everybody and in all you do : allow yourself to not be always perfect
most people (and society) today go for "top dogs", so called "perfection" and ideal "image" : I would suggest you get back in touch with how it is when you just feel genuinely "you" - whatever that may represent (if of course not destructive) and take it from there - dare to be real with yourself even if real doesn't equate perfection
It is impossible to wake up every morning knowing you are utterly alone in your self bitterness.Having no people around that give a fuck about your existence that actually care what it is going on inside of you..I'm damaged inside because of all the things i've had to endure all those years i am at a point that honestly can't fit anywhere people lose interest in me very fast they move on but i can't move on knowing that im alone moving in a path that i have no idea where it's going again lonely..Track is the only way for me to escape to go run cause when im running i feel alive and nothing else matters all the pain is going away..