Talk dirty to me
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. We have good sex but I want great sex. The biggest issue I have is he is quiet as a mouse during sex, I mean SILENT!! No,moans. groans, nothing. Even afterwards if I make a comment that it was really good many times he doesn't even respond. I have repeatedly talked to him about this. He said he likes it when I express what I'm feeling during sex and it turns him on...I just want the same thing. He is not really comfortable as it is not something he has ever done before and he said doesn't want to be forced or come off fake. I asked that he just share what he is feeling and it will be perfect. I thinks he thinks I have some some crazy sex needs and he said he has never had a complaint. He was a bit defensive this last time I brought it up but said he did want me to tell him when something is bothering me and this really is. I am just worried he doesn't have it in him to do this for me as I have been bringing this up for over a year. While he has surprised me a few times with a tiny bit of expression, I don't know if he will ever give me what I want and the thought of this being my sex for the rest of my life really worries me. We do love each other but are not ready to get married, obviousley, but how much time and effort should I put in here if there is not improvement in this important area of our realtionship? Is talking dirty that dirty? Is wanting or being able to talk dirty part of a more outgoing personality and not for the reserved? Any feedback would be much appreciated :) My title is a song that came to mind as I was writing this....maybe I should buy the CD and play it for him... A LOT!
do you want "dirty talk" or do you want a man who expresses himself freely in bed ? that's not the same thing - talking dirty - it seems to me - is more part of a sexual play : two people get into a game of "going down and getting dirty" which can be really fun to do sometimes - maybe not all the time - no ? - can you say why you want or need the "dirty talk" ? what would it satisfy in you or in the way you experience sexuality ? are you in need of more sexual variety ? maybe he makes love while feeling a whole lot inside and doesn't feel the need to go and tell the world : have you asked him how he experiences sex with you ? what do you feel inside your being/heart/mind when having sex with him ? are you the one putting a whole lot of efforts to be and do different things in bed or does he also sometimes comes up with something different to experience or a different way to experience something ? why do you think you need to make all those efforts ? what do you need to satisfy in you ? talking dirty to me is not part of a "more outgoing personality" : there is nothing to show off in love I believe - do you need more "show" in sex ? do you equate "reservedness" with not being a man ?
I want him to express what he's feeling in bed mostly, but some naughty comments would also be a turn on sometimes,not all the time though. Knowing my man is turned on and him expressing it turns me on. I don't want him to tell the world, just me! He tells me it's the best sex he has ever had in conversation but I can't even get a "you feel so good" during sex. When having sex with him I feel sometimes we are just going through the motions, I know he loves me dearly but he has never even said he loves me during sex. I don't feel the emotion coming from him. Don't get me wrong, we do have some really good sex sometimes but I feel it is more due to me expressing myself. One time, I decided I was going to be silent also and it was the worst. No, he doesn't come up with anything new to do in bed. I have continued to make these efforts because I love him and would like for things to work out between us as he is very special in so may ways. However there are some other things that have been botherig me lately about him and I do feel if we were having better sex it would help balance things out more. In choosing a partner you sometimes need to weigh the good with the bad as no one is perfect. I like and need good communication with my partner both in/out of the bedroom. I don't need a "show" as you put it, just him expressing what I know he is feeling and thinking inside. No, it does not make me question his manlyiness, he is just more reserved in general and definitely in the bedroom and I wonder if that personality trait makes it more difficult for him to share more and that maybe he will not ever be able to change that.
thanks COMMUNICATOR for your response - maybe then it's up to him to find out why it is he can not let himself "go" in bed : it's not always easy to admit for oneself that one may like "crazy" stuff - vs - "decent stuff" or to just let it rip and let it all hang out - it's a physical and emotional freedom that can be hard to attain because of internal shame mechanisms around the idea of being "decent" or not - maybe you can initiate him with sweet and subtle and sexy/erotic kindness - not to go all dirty at once but to just start opening up more and expressing whatever he feels - in words, sighs, etc : you're desire of him and how you play with it may light him up so he may dare to open up more - I wish you the very best :)
I appreciate you taking the time and offering feedback THEDYNAMICSOFSOUL. I have been tring to bring his emotions out in gentle ways since we started seriousley dating and I'm just geting frustrated by not seeing any major or continued improvement... and the fear he may not ever come around. I can not have silent sex for the rest of my life. Thanks for the well wishes :)
"he is just more reserved in general and definitely in the bedroom and I wonder if that personality trait makes it more difficult for him to share more and that maybe he will not ever be able to change that."
I think you have solved this yourself with your own insight. He's just of a different temperament.
I had a lover like that (years ago) We played games to get him to open up and express himself. Eventually, he got more assertive in bed.
Thanks SUSIEDQQ....that gives me hope!
I've encountered this same issue myself. The fact is guys are not generally vocal in bed. They like to take everything in, that's what turns them on. After almost 2.5 years I've finally learned how to make that part of my relationship better and the answer is to "give and ye shall receive", with a guy worth his salt anyway, and you'll see improvement (make noise they'll normally oogle at you and eventually make noise back).
I don't say this to put them down in any way, but guys generally don't think about as much comparitively, especially during sex. He isn't thinking about a script of what should be when, like girls generally do, he's thinking... Well whatever is in front of him. Two heads aren't always better than one.
Whatever you do don't go at him like it's his fault. He honestly is trying. If he's wanting you in bed, why wouldn't he want to make you happier? He's not messing up on purpose.
This really isn't something to break up over in my opinion. There is so much more to sex than noise, so much more to love than sex, and so much more to a relationship than love.
And practice makes better.