My personal struggle and needing answers
I am a 19 year old Male. I currently attend college. I have never revealed these feelings that I am about to post, solely because I feel as though my mom or friends wouldn't be able to help me. My personal feelings seem extremely complicated and I hope someone professional would be able to help. I see myself as a conflicted Christian. I believe in a higher power but I don't believe in its followers. I'll leave it at that in hopes not to offend anyone. Everyday I constantly battle with moral convictions, constantly questioning why I have them and why no one seems to follow them. Perhaps I'm just delusional, I honestly don't know anymore. On top of that, I have had the worst luck with relationships. In fact, I have never been on a date just to show you how much of a virgin I am. Every girl that I have met that I have liked has ended up rejecting me in some sort of way. It's gotten to the point where I have just given up. The highlight of the rejection in my life was when I was in high school. I really liked this girl, she had a great personality and really seemed interested in me. One day I finally got the courage to ask her out on a date. She said yes. I was so excited because it was the first time I felt like I had a chance to love someone. Well it turns out she was talking to another guy when I asked her out, and she called it off. This killed me on the inside, I didn't know what to feel or how to react. I confronted her about it, but I honestly did not get much of a response besides "I don't know". We are still friends, though I don't talk to her much. I'm the one who ended up apologizing just to get some sense of closure.
The rejection as well as the major social anxiety I get now makes it extremely hard to communicate to girls I find attractive. At this point in my life I wish I could just go travel the world in hopes of feeling or finding something real. But me being a broke college student, I wouldn't get very far. I probably sound like a whiny kid, but I don't care, these are my struggles, and I am hoping to find more clarity than "I'll pray for you."
moral convictions : could you say a little more about what exactly bothers you on that point ? what morals do you find conflicting and why ? is it maybe you have problems with the things you think you "should" do because you are told/taught in the Christian realm they're "good" - vs - those things said to be "bad" : what are those "bad" things that you wouldn't do ? why do you think they're bad ?
we can of course talk about Christianity and there would be a lot to say but that's a whole other topic and maybe more delicate in that it would shake up notions of institutional/traditional structure and practice and the way Christians practice their beliefs
as to why you find girls seem to reject you : do you know why they would reject you ? do you have any idea as to what you may do or not do and how you behave or what kind of morals/values you speak about that would represent you ? could it be your "conflicting nature" shows and makes the girls think you don't know where you're at ? what is your idea of a relationship with a girl ? what is their idea about it ? maybe there's a clash in "seriousness" in that they just want to date when you might want a real Relationship
why would you develop social anxiety ? are there any real reasons for you to feel you don't fit in ?
maybe it is time for you to find out what it is you uphold as values for yourself - regardless of Christian or social/cultural background : once you find what you will stand for, it will give you power and strengh in self-confidence and self-worth
Your post really stood out to me and I hope you're feeling just slightly better after having gotten it off your chest. I am also a Christian with issues that sound similar to yours so I can understand. I think you need to search within yourself and see what you want and what standard you want to live by. You are young and its okay to be in a complicated stage in your life. I really wish you all the best and I hope to hear something positive from you in the future. Take care.
I'll do my best to explain my convictions. I was raised in a Christian environment pretty much all my life. So of course those beliefs were crammed down my throat. I was taught to love my enemies, treat others as I should treat myself, etc. At first it seemed like noble codes to stand by. I thought of myself as a decent person because I had guidelines to follow. Growing older I realized that morals became more and more of a chore. Seeing the news and watching all these bad occurrences made me question people's character as a whole. Not only that, the very people that called themselves Christians constantly did terrible things to each other. From gossip, rumors, insults, and pure stupidity. Witnessing these things is what made me start questioning the validity of Christianity. So I did some research on Christianity as time went by. I came to the conclusion that organized religion (such as churches) only succeeds at dividing people. I constantly ask myself why there are so many denominations. What could be the justification of splitting Christianity this badly? It is because of this, that I do not believe in my "fellow" Christians, for at this point in time in my life they have been the most judge-mental, self righteous people I have ever met. I'm conflicted because I do believe in God but I refuse to identify with such people. This is not meant to offend anyone who is loyal to their denomination this is just my personal struggle of my perspective. I'm also not saying I am some holy knight either, this is just what I feel is happening when I try to live by something moral. As for the girls part, I don't know honestly. I will admit that if I see an attractive girl look at me I get scared to talk to her because rejection hurt the last few times. I don't want to go through the process of trying to like someone only to become attached and they just decide they don't want to date me like the last girl I described did. I guess me constantly thinking that that particular outcome will happen again gives me social anxiety. My ideal idea of a relationship is when two people completely stay loyal to each other. I personally think that having sex with someone and then leaving them is the most messed up thing you could do to a person who loves you. But yea I hope I was able to answer you questions @THEDYNAMICSOFSOUL. And thank you @SEARCHINGEYES. I'm glad I'm not alone with this, I wish the best for you as well.
thanks HERRO123 for your reply - I've seen that indeed often where there are rules and regulations as in an institutional sense - people do tend to become dogmatic - I too have seen it too many times how people say one thing and do another - I believe in God but have stopped attending church for basically the same reasons as you - and do some not say to "divide to rule" better ? Christianity has been divided in many parts and now everybody's got a different opinion - therefor I do believe in God but I now stand on my own and am accountable for my moral integrity - not depending on any institution to back me up
as for the girls - don't go and get attached so fast : get a hold on your feelings and emotions and see the situation for what it is in the moment and observe how it evolves - sometimes people do tend to litterally "fall in love" but then they indeed "loose it all" (been there - done that)and if it doesn't work the fall comes hard - maybe you want an honest real and loyal relationship and not just some "sex & rock n roll" : then you have to clearly announce that from the start - that much more since we live in a society of immediate consumption and disposal where feelings are often secondary with physicality being top rated - not easy in a society of black & white who has no time for the various and subtle shades of life - wish you the very best too - you're a great person
Thank you, this seriously helped a lot. I honestly didn't expect to get support like this when I first posted. But from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I will take your advice and not let my emotions develop for someone too soon. And yea, perhaps I'm better off not needing an institution. I can praise God on my own. God bless @THEDYNAMICSOFSOUL