Not sure which foot to put in front of the other
I have been for almost ten years. We were happy for the first 3 years. I was an alcoholic for a couple years and stopped. He got a hardcore pill addiction four at least 5 years. We are very poor, money is tight but I'm trying to do better and be sober. He slips up. A lot. I am now at a point that I want a calm, predictable, and a relaxing life. My biggest concern is I'm bipolar. My mother is too old to help and my son leaves for basic next summer. I need an advocate. I don't know what to do if I divorce my advocate. He had always been very good at that. Then I also feel I'm ensuring I will be alone. Nobody wants a bipolar wife.
you say you're now at a point that you want a calm, predictable, and a relaxing life : start there - make that come true for yourself
look for what you need to put in new (or reviewed) boundaries
what are the specific things you want to focus on ?
what new habits do you need to put in place ?
what can you do on a medical but also psychotherapeutical/counseling level to stabilise you bipolar condition/moods swings and rein in any excesses or tendency to go overboard ?
can you find yourself some job or part-time activity to get you busy and involved with something concrete - not only for the money but also because it makes you feel involved with life - with your life ?
why are you afraid of being alone ? one can be alone and not feel lonely
My main concern in being alone is having someone there that knows your cyles before you do. Someone you trust to help you understand situations. It's useful and cuts my episodes in half. It helps with self care I get into the hospital before something horrible happens.