In a long term relationship with doubts
Hello, I'm going to apologize in advance for the this long post but just to say I have been dating this person since I was a teenager. We are both in our mid to late twenties trying to complete our degrees (he's actually about to get his next week), we've been together for 7 years and 6 months. I love this guy, a lot. My affection and overall interest in him has not waned in any sense!
My boyfriend has told me he has had minor relationships prior to ours in the past but this is both of our first long term one, he never seems like an introverted person per say but he definitely doesn't seem to mind not talking to me for days and exchanging very brief "hey hope all is well! love you" type of texts. I have mentioned I feel like I need to feel more connected to him because sometimes we will hang out once or twice a week and if we are not in the same room hanging out I don't feel connected to him, like he doesn't feel motivated or wants to reach out to me. I completely understand the time restraints of our schedules as students as well, I know he has tried to make an effort over these past few months but today we got in a minor argument over something dumb over skype and he said "I'm only here to satisfy your need to talk". I couldn't help but feel hurt, I realize he wasn't in a good mood but this isn't the first time this has surfaced in our conversations. I don't know if I should be with someone who feels obligated to talk to me and doesn't get the need to want to spend that time together even when we are not physically together. I certainly am not looking to talk for hours every night but an actual conversation outside of the few times we hang out in person would be nice (that he genuinely wants to have).
He has tried since I've brought this up but since he stated his opinion in the way he did, I wonder how much of him actually wants to communicate with me. I realize everyone is different when loving others but it just hard for me to really relate to I guess.
After 7 years he has commented about moving out together but usually only when I mention it. I know he's just being practical and taking things one step at a time and I personally don't believe in marrying someone until you get to move in with them but I don't know how much the idea of marriage appeals to him to be quite honest, he honestly never gives much of an answer and is always brief about the subject.
We are both living with our parents until we complete our degrees, we are both closer to fulfilling that and I've been trying to be patient but sometimes he doesn't sound that excited for our future and I can't help but feel like our interactions have stagnated when the majority of our time spent together is just hanging out in each other's rooms. I'm totally understanding that as college students we don't have much money or time but we don't even try to hang out with friends that much or do much else together, I try to be open about exploring things because I'm constantly in fear he will grow to be bored of me (in regards to hobbies and our sex life). I wonder what else I can anticipate in this relationship when there's just been such a limited amount of experiences. I've expressed this before and he was pretty offended it seemed like at first because he felt as though I didn't value our time together, which I very much do and just because I want our relationship to move forward doesn't mean I don't cherish each moment I spend with him. I just feel like maybe we should be at a different point in our relationship at this juncture because it's been 7 years? I try not to bring up the subject too much because he's someone I love and I know pressuring him is just not the right thing. I realize nobody has the luxury of knowing what to expect from the future but I just wish he was excited about it. Is it just because he's a guy?
Another thing I wanted to add is that a lot of times when we have fights he'll even say "well what do you want to end this?" and I can't help but wonder if that's secretly what he wants more than anything because I find myself in the position of wanting to do just about anything to salvage our relationship, whereas I find that type of response as fatalistic. I don't know if we need a break, we never have taken much time apart from each other. Usually most of our arguments involve the idea of either giving him space or just miscommunication, there hasn't been any cheating that I'm aware of. I am a sensitive person and I realize I sometimes let so much of what I feel revolve around him, even if that's not what he is asking for in any sense.
Also I feel like a big reason for why I'm more attached to him than he is because not only did he take my virginity but he waited a year to have sex because I was sexually abused when I was younger and traumatized as a result, ever since then I can't help but feel like I couldn't let someone like that go. I'm afraid of being apart from him because of how we have connected yet I conversely feel like this connection is not exactly be what he truly wants, it's just something he found himself in. I fear that he may not know what he wants. Overall he can be one of the most engaging, generous, thoughtful and funny people ever and our sex life is fantastic but I just wonder if we want the same things and if our differences as people will clash if we do decide to move in together.
I admit I get upset and sensitive easily whereas he gets angry and says hurtful and sometimes fucked up things over stuff I feel is sometimes worth being annoyed over but not as angry as he has been. He has suspected his dad his bi-polar and I also fear he might be as well based on how he sometimes will yell and curse over something like moments where things have been miscommunicated and he told me I wasn't listening etc, I've called him out on it and he has seemed to try to do it less, acknowledged he's like his dad and even apologized to me for calling me some pretty hurtful names in the past or just cursing at me. My mom suffered emotional and physical abuse from my dad and he cheated on her, seeing all that so young I think fucked me up and messed with my trust issues and made me afraid of relationships in general and what they can lead to. It's so hard not to internalize even the most trivial of conflicts at times because we are just such different people and handle our frustration differently. Anyway thanks for those who took the time to read through all of this. I am truly grateful for that, I know it's difficult to comment as a third party but I am trying to be as fair and honest about everything as possible..let me know what your thoughts are. Thank you very much again.
You said "I'm afraid of being apart from him because of how we connected yet I conversely feel like this connection is not exactly what he truly wants, it's just something he found himself in", I think you hit the nail on the head.
Based on his effort to spend more time with you makes me feel that he's not as emotionally invested in this relationship as you are. When you push for more attention and spending time with him he responds by being angry saying mean/hurtful things- this is who he is.
It's important for you to understand that you must be true to yourself and not be in denial that this person may not be the one for you. Know who you are and what you want in a relationship, don't ever settle for less.
I must quote Maya Angelo,Poet "When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME :)
Consider living on your own (or Gf roommate)you need to experience being independent