I need help please someone
MANYHEARTS - Dec 15 2015 at 07:44
First off thank you to whom ever answers me I really appriciate it.
Heres what im going to do, condence 17 years into a small note here goes,
my wife and I have been together for 17 years beautiful years when my wife was a kid 5 to 7 I think she was hit by a car and lay on the side of the road unconcious for 3 to 5 mins so the neighbor said she was rushed to the hospital and was fine any way her mother whom can only spell her name and can't read kept her pretty much locked in her room so she wouldnt get hurt again. Now her mother was very verbally abusive to her so her child hood wasnt fun her father and mother had an older sister, and my wife says her father was going to leave his wife when the daughter turned 12 well 3 years before she turned 12 my wifed mother got pregnant with my wife so the father had to stay another 12 years my wifes father held a grudge for that saying she (the mother) did it on purpose.
fast forward to 12 my wifes father left her mother and my wife can remember that day just like it happened yesterday that is her first trama
fast forward to 16 after all those years of being called a dumb ass she decided she wanted to get married so she married this guy from school he was great for a while but then got really bad abusive like beating her with a gun he once fired a shot right by her ear to this day she panics when you show her a gun this is trama #2
some time between trama 1 and 2 she was raped at a party (I forgot that one) Trama #3
After gun hubby she got with another guy who was abusive ony this time she had a son after some time she left him trama #4
at this point in time she has been single for a year or so she decides to get with this guy she drove back and forth to work with she said she could grow to love him they were together for 7 years he wasnt abusive but the whole 7 years they were together they made love 3 or 4 times she decided to get fit for him and it didnt work he would totally ignore her, she would hafto ask him to make love everytime she ended up leaving him trama #5
Enter me, now when I met this woman she was drop dead georgus absolutly beautiful (and still is ) when we got together I was still young and immature all I wanted to do was work on my cars and play x box she held down the job,she would bring home the checks and i would buy cars with it and not pay bills, if I worked she had to work too, I have did some bad stuff in our relationship not cheat just not work and not pay bills I have said I was sorry time and time again but she says any one can say your sorry show me you love me. I've held a job for a year but that job wasnt hard enough so I feel it dont count anyway to make an even longer story short everything i touched turned to beep i have oposite the midas touch lol any way she hold the past against me for what ive done ive changed a lot since then but not enough to warrent her getting better she has cronic depression she has degenative disk desease in her neck and she has fibromyalgia any thing and everything that has happened to her thats bad in her life she can remember like it just happened but other things she seems to forget a lot. I'm in college and trying to do better right now and our situation is just barly making it her ideal man is a works 9 to 5 and shes a homemaker but it seems she says stuff thats one way one day and then says something else the next
we have 4 kids ( her dr said she could have kids) they fight all the time we are now seperated pending the stress levels go down she will come back and if she comes back and the stress goes up shes leaving again I dont know what to do I just want my other half back theres other things ive done as well but I would need 2 or 3 more paragraphs anyway all I can do is say i'm sorry for the past and work tward the future but everytime we get into a discussion she say well what about when you did this (the past ) me I cant change the past but i"m sorry for what I did her well that dont fix it please tell me how to make it right thank you
oh ps if you wanna know anything else ill answer
well - it looks like your wife has had quite a traumatic past - you say your wife's mother was verbally abusive with her and that - for maybe additional reasons not known to me so far - her father left his wife when your wife was 12 : why would your wife remember this like it was yesterday ? here father said his wife got pregnant with your wife to make him stay : apparently this woman was manipulating the situation while being abusive - to her husband too ? it seems that somehow maybe your wife has unconsciously taken her mother's side and thinks her father shouldn't have left - even though her mother would be verbally abusive with her : did she think her father was not able to "save" her in any way ? anyhow it seems maybe she has unconsciously integrated this idea that men are no good and/or can do no good : which is why she happened to meet only guys who would treat her badly - now she has been with you for many years - you have 4 children together but here again it seems that somehow you were never "up to it" - maybe indeed when you were young you werent' all that motivated to go out and get a job but years have passed by and you tried : you are now in college trying to get somewhere concrete and make things happen - but I would say : how can a man try to do his best when his wife always finds it's not enough ? it seems she wants to have the "ideal" husband and anything other she will critisize and take down : that puts a lot of pressure on the man to be "perfect" but who is perfect in real life ? you say you have done "other things" : I don't know how bad these are but is that a reason for her to always come back to the past ? the past is supposed to get closure so people can move on : I doubt she has gotten true closure on her own past : so of course she will dredge up any lingering unresolved past between the two of you as a way to hold "leverage" as in "keepin the pressure up" which is taking it's toll on your relationship and the children who also seem to fight and now you're apart - maybe she should go and see a counselor or therapist to clear things of her past so that she stops taking the past out on you (and maybe the children) - what is it that she wants now ? how do you both see any future together ? can you both take some time out to get some perspective, a quiet mind and some emotional rest and then have a talk about how you want to continue together ? you both must be able to clearly state what it is each of you wants and how this can be done together (or not) - indeed you can't change the past and you already said you were sorry : now it's concrete actions taken together that will show proof of what your relationship is worth - good luck :)
Bringing up the past only clouds the future. It sounds like you have both been through a lot. I can't say if she cares for you or not because this isn't her talking, it's you. You care, however, which means it is worth keeping possibilities open. You mention your kids. This kind of situation is very hard on them. They see you fighting and are learning their relationships by watching yours, that may be why they fight more than normal (but most siblings don't get along perfectly). You sound like you would benefit from counseling, both individuals and couple. ANY relationship needs healthy communication and expectations.
If nothing, take the time to find a night without the kids interupting and sit down together. Take two pieces of paper, one for each of you, and both write down your goals and expectations for a relationship without speaking. BE HONEST AND WRITE YOUR THOUGHTS. Give yourself 5 minutes and when that 5 minutes is up you each get to read what you wrote without interrupting the other person. See what the other person expects and compare to see if it's really compatible.
If she really does want to be a housewife there are plenty of options that still work out for you and vice versa. Also put down expectations such as expecting to pay off the mortgage by a certain age to lessen stress, or putting back a certain amount of money not to be touched for retirement.
This is bound to lead to a fight if you just jump in not describing the reasoning behind it first.
You're doing this to see how compatible you really are. Love is a good start, and does matter, but a lasting relationship requires a great deal more.
you say your wife's mother was verbally abusive with her and that - for maybe additional reasons not known to me so far - her father left his wife when your wife was 12
yes my wife said that her father thought that a kid at age 12 would understand why he(the father) would leave the mother
why would your wife remember this like it was yesterday ? for some unknown reason she remembers ALL the pains in her past everything that has hurt her in any way she remembers she says maby it gets put into her long term memory
did she think her father was not able to "save" her in any way ? She says she hold it against her dad for leaving she never had a "father figure" so to speak, he all ways stayed in the garage and when my wife would go out to the garage he would tell her to " get out from under my feet"
how can a man try to do his best when his wife always finds it's not enough ? she tells me that she had to work "hard" when she worked at a local job I stayed at home she would come home from work and the house would be dirty and there would be no supper cooked so she would hafto clean and cook after working for 8 hours I would be in the garage working on my cars also to add to this she also is a cronic cleaner and a whole slice of the pie type of person either the house has to be clean or shes in bed shes not a "half ass type person"
you say you have done "other things" : I don't know how bad these are but is that a reason for her to always come back to the past ? after the birth of our second kid and when she got pregnant with our 3ed kid she was bed ridden from 4 or 5 months on and she says I would let her starve I wouldn't make her nothing to eat she hold that against me also she wanted her "doll house" she wants a house of her own and I told her that she will never get her doll house to just give up her dream and today I AM SO SORRY FOR THAT I WISH I HAD CHEATED ON HER RATHER THAN TELL HER THAT.About 7 or 8 years ago she gave up and has been laying in the bed ever since about 2 or 3 years ago I tryed to get her help I made drs appointments for her and tryed to take her to them but she kept missing missing appointments i tryed to set up physical thearpy appointment for her and she would'nt go so the drs would be upset with her and drop her she was schulded 120 days of physical thearpy 2 different times 1 time she went 63 days the other she went 45 she will flat out tell you she doesnt want to do it
maybe she should go and see a counselor or therapist to clear things of her past so that she stops taking the past out on you weve tried a counselor one told her she needed to just fake it till you make it so she left that counselor the next one told her that I was the sorriest piece of crap that has ever walked the face of the earth and that he didnt understand why she would ever try to stay with me
she has also had several doctors that were mean to her she was trying to ask one doctor for help and the dr told her she needed to stop crying that no one really like to be around a pitty party. When she was diagnosed with fibro the dr was doing his tests and pulled her arm really hard it hurt her and she started crying a little and the dr said "oh be quiet I didnt pull your arm that hard"
what is it that she wants now ? she wants me to be "stable" she want me to support the family she want me to provide for the family by holding down a job see as it stands now we are living in a fifth wheel the only money that comes in right now is her social security disability and my V.A disability im going back to college next month but she wants me to finish and get a job im fine with that but it takes time also she wants to rent a house but i tell her that we can"t she says thats an excuse we have 3 daschunds 2 cats and 3 ferrets it almost impossiable to rent a place with that many pets plus with our family of 6 we need at least 3 bedrooms thats 8 to 1000 a month she says well if you had a job we could
how do you both see any future together ? I want to try with her I dont wanna loose her
I think Ive got everything so heres my perspective I did what i did to her and I feel that she wants me to "pay her back" so it will be even between us meaning I need to work hard at something to bring in money I had a news paper job for a year that didnt count it wasnt hard enough I had a job at the college but all i was doing was watching the vet sucess center all day that didnt count it wasnt hard enough im trying to do my best i just feel that its never good enough i dont understand
yeah - looks like she wants you to "pay" for whatever you've done to her - which - if this is true - I think is not very nice - even though you maybe weren't "all that" at the time : what is the "perfect" marriage material anyway ? besides - is it she wants you to come home totally drained by a very demanding job or does she want to see the money ? it looks like she wants you to go all "sweat and tears" for her - I would say : let's keep it real - indeed it seems you can not right now afford a home of 1000 with having 4 kids, dogs and cats - you have to do what you can realistically - does she like to play the martyr/vitim ? I don't say she does but sometimes people take advantage of being a victim to play power games and take the lead in how things "should" be done - they become controlling and demanding - and as you say she seems to have quite a black-or-white character - can she also work these days or does the whole thing rest on your shoulders ? I understand you feel absolutely sorry for what happened in the past but there isn't any way you can put that right : you can only do different now - as well as she - I wonder how willing she is to get better in any way since sometimes she's ok and then not - I do however understand there are some not very good doctors and counselors/therapists : one has to try a couple before finding someone whith whom it "clicks" - well - in any case I understand you seem to be trying to do your best but she must not take advantage in any way and you should not be a "slave" - these are things that should be made clear between the both of you without one or the other trying to impose their view : just state what you will and will not do for the sake of your own self-respect and self-esteem - wish you all the best :)
is it she wants you to come home totally drained by a very demanding job or does she want to see the money ?I think she wants both she says she wants to be financialy stable
does she like to play the martyr/vitim ? yes a lot when we "talk" it all ways turns into a fight but I say well heres what your doing and she all ways says well what about what your doing and nothing in her world ever gets resolved
can she also work these days or does the whole thing rest on your shoulders ? I feel that it all rests on me she will tell you that she does't want to work I'm depressed i can't I also think that the reason for that is because she worked in the beginning so I need to work to "pay her back" she taught our kids that everything in life has to be fair or even
I wonder how willing she is to get better in any way since sometimes she's ok and then not That I couldnt tell you I know when Iwas making her appointments she was just going through the motions
shes really big on the internet thing so I wanna add this she absolutly loves imvu and simms and with her being all or nothing she wants to play at night when the kids go to bed so we ask her to go to bed at a diecent hour but she gets mad because she shes all or nothing so sometimes she will go to bed as late as 5 am and sleep till 1 or 2 pm she loves to lay in bed
also if she were to ever find this on the internet oh my god will she be mad thank you for your input
I should also mention the physical disabilities : being sick and in pain of course doesn't help to be in a good mood : maybe she doesn't accept to be sick - this of course must get her annoyed, which stresses out, could bring up (repressed maybe ?) anxiety which might lead to all kinds of eratic, irrational or excessive behaviors related to the not accepting the illness: maybe there needs to be a correlation drawn between these various factors of her past and how the illness came about : did she change her eating habits ? an alkalin diet is better then an acid one - does she do yoga and/or meditation/breathing - any "spiritual" practice such as self-enquiry and mindfulness ? it is said fibromyalgia could be related to a lack of serotonine which could induce forms of depression : maybe she can look into ways to boost her serotonine levels naturally - maybe she can look (again) into finding some physical but also psychological support/help ? give yourself and both of you the time needed to quietly work through all this, communicate/talk together in a rational, objective way and find solutions - try them out and change/adapt if need be - best wishes :)
being sick and in pain of course doesn't help to be in a good mood yes but when the person in question does't really want to go get help what do you do ???
did she change her eating habits ? no she likes to snack a lot especially corn chips or corn tortillas
does she do yoga and/or meditation/breathing - any "spiritual" practice such as self-enquiry and mindfulness ? nope just loves to play in the virtual world
maybe she can look (again) into finding some physical but also psychological support/help ? We have a dr now that seem like she might be a good one she seems to want to help but i'm afraid that if something bad happens then she will want to drop her
My wife and I got into a BIG fight saturday night December 12th 2015 late that night she texted a trucker friend of ours and said she didnt want to be here any more and if he could come and get her well he called the next morning early about 7:30 and continued to call up till about 9am long story short he showed up about 3 that day and she pack a few cloths and left the kids were sad i was crying but she left anyway, we had no chance to resolve anything she just left. I ask her when will you be back ? some time around the first of the month she said ok and walked out the door. THATS 22 DAYS thats almost a full month 30 is a month. so she calls me on the phone yesterday will riding in the truck and tells me that the roads were really icy and slick so as i'm talking with her all of a sudden i hear some crashing and her saying oh god crashing her oh god after about 3 or 4 seconds i'm panicing whats going on are you ok yea we just wrecked im ok she says, so after that i'm really worried and she gets on to me for it will you stop worring i'm ok so when her and the trucker friend get to the motel I finally explain to her that I feel abandoned and that i'm really up set that you just up and left well i feel like a piece of **** I'll come home so you dont feel like that. so later that day I call her by this time ive turned her phone on so she dont hafto use the trucker friends phone this about 4 or 5 pm yesterday the 15th soooo.........whats your plans what do you mean she said well are you coming home or what??? I dont know i'll haft think about it. Now I know the trucker friend is going to wanna get back out on the road because the old trucker saying is if your wheels aint turnin you aint earnin so I have a sneeky suspicion the next time i hear from her i'm going to say where are you oh were just coming out of who knows where. It feels like my heart has been ripped into and put back into my chest and i told her that the first time we talked she said she would come home the she said well i dont know then she said she would come home again then she said I dont know our daughter said this morning before she went to school that her councelor ask if anything new was going on and she had to explain the whold thing to him she said she feels like her mother is toying with her saying im coming home well i dont know ect ect. if you read above thats alot of waht going on after the whole thing with taking her to the drs and her not trying I kinda give up too so for the past 7 or 8 month I've been staying at home and laying in the bed with her and then the kids would fight and come back to the bed room and ask for help so she would help and she would see me not helping and that added to it and some times she would ask me to cook and i would say no i dont feel like it and the kids would eat sandwiches well if you loved me you would get up and do what ever it takes to get me well thats what she says all the time WELL I TRIED YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING I TRIED TWICE BOTH TIME YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING well if you go out and get a job and work at that job for a while maby i'll get better I just want to know you love me enough to do what ever it takes with her disability and mine we have enough to pay our bills so when she fell i'll, I wanted to get her some help if it were up to her she would never leave the house so I wanted to get her some help for 2 almost 3 years I tried to get her help (read above) she would go through the motions all her drs would say the same thing they could tell she didnt really want to get better. Now with all that being said yes I know I have my flaws i'm not perfect I was trying to get her better so we could move on WE AS A COUPLE WORKING TOGETHER TO HAVE A BETTER FUTURE well what about all those months that I worked in the past (read above) and you sat at home doing nothing she says, why cant you get over that all I can say is i'm sorry for that I cant go back and fix it all I can do is work tward the future, well i'm trying to but its hard I now realize I thing shes holding a grudge and its tearing us apart
I'M VERY ANGRY WITH HER YES THERES STRESS IN THE HOUSE BUT TAKING 22 DAYS OFF JUST WALKING OUT LIKE THAT JUST AFTER A BIG FIGHT I FEEL SHE LEFT ME I FEEL IT IN MY HEART THAT SHE WALKED OUT ON ME AND THE KIDS!!! shoud i feel this way ??? ive mentioned this to her and she says i dint know where you get that from I just needed time away i'm coming back then why do i feel this way why do i feel like some one tore my heart out ripped it into and put it back into my chest. she says shes scared to come back afraid the stress will still be there, i talked with the kids and they said they would tone it down but its still here and it will be here 22 days from now whats to say in 22 days she says well i'm still afraid the stress will be there, so i feel like heres the mess we got into i'm tired of the mess i'm going to check out and when you get the mess cleaned up you call me and i'll come back uuuugggggg mad and hurt and just
WHAT DO I DO ?????????????
well - it seems you had to get this off your chest ..
what to do ? I suppose keep your cool and take care of the house and kids - get those children to behave more peacefully (find out why they fight so much) and try to restore an overall peaceful atmosphere in the house - you continue with your studies (I don't know what you're aiming at professionally - what degree you want to obtain)
when there is so much hassle - there has to be one to keep a cool head : so detach from your emotions and keep things running
she will come around when she will come around : when she comes back it would be good she finds a house in order and calm people : then you can talk
as for your fears - well - there isn't much you can do about it because she will do what she will do : so you keep your focus on what you think is healthy for you and the children - and cultivate emotional detachment - nobody can think and communicate clearly when stress is too high
tomorrow is another day : breathe :)