New wife with marriage problems
My husband is disabled and has many medical problems, he is an awesome encourager and takes good care of me. Because of the fact that when we first got together I was in a bad financial situation. I turned everything over to hm so that he could help me manage things. He has done well, but my problem is because of my brain infury from a car accident I have short term memory lost, so it is hard for me to remember. although I turned the finances over to him he gets upset when I ask how much money do we have in the b know whereoel like I have a right tank or which bank it is in. Now I don't want for anything but I fe says he ieel I have a right to ask questions. On the other hand I know nothing about his finances, because het to knowh claims he is a very private person. I feel like I have a right to know. Then he will get mad and say if you want to manage it then I will give it all to you to do it, or justlet me handle it. Then he will say one day I will have my own as a way to make me feel guilty. I don't want for anything, but still I like to know what's going on with my money. I am used to handling things myself even if I didn't handle it some welll. How do I handle this because I am frustrated. I don't like waiting for someone to give me something, or telling me no, most of all I don't like not knowing what we have ,please advise! This has caused big agruements!
since when are you married ? since when do you suffer from short term memory ? since when is he disabled ? how much ? it's nice to know he takes good care of you but he doesn't own you in any way - in a healthy marriage both people are entitled to handle what is in common : is your bank account in common ? you have a right to know what is going on with the money you put on this account - he may want to keep private about what concerns him - money wise but what is in common should be handled openly - he shoudn't play with making you feel guilty or threathen you will have to do it all on your own : don't give into such emotional manipulation - keeps facts and business separated from feelings and emotions : a love relationship is also a relationship where people handle "business" and "deals" and contractual facts that bind - could it be he's trying to take control over you ? you may suffer from short term memory and forget about recent things but that doesn't mean that you can not know what is going on and have your say into what is to be done with assests and money - make it clear to him you don't want to manage anything necessarily but just to be and feel involved - especially since these are your finances - if need be go and see an advisor or bank manager
Finances in a marriage should be open to all partners. Your disabilities have nothing to do with it.
Insist that you both sit down and take care of the household bills together and look at all your credit cards, loans, savings and other accounts. Also, insurance policies.
If something happens to him, you would have no idea how or what to do. That's not fair.
(Could it be he is hiding expenses? Why does he get so defensive?)
OK thanks to all of you for your comments and feedback and letting me know that I am not crazy. This is exactly what I had been feeling, we should sit down together, share information. Just last night we were duscussing money, I told him I needed money to buy some chrstmas presents. He said ok just write a check for whatever you want. I asked him to tell me what we were working with because that would determine how much I would spend. Because I am on a fixed income and I don't want to deplete my savings by over spending. we have three accounts together that we have money in and my name is not on any of them. I do have a separate account which is just mine. I am getting ready to come into a large amount of money and I am rethinking whether or not I want to put this in his hand to manage. I do need his help but I do not want to go through this again. So I am going to take these suggestion and talk with him. It was actually his suggestion that I go on line and talk about things and get some answers. So I am going to let himknowthat I took him suggestions, I wonder what he is going to say to the suggestions or feedback that I have recieved, thanks to you all!
Hang on a cotton-pickin' minute! What's all this nonsense about YOU being on a fixed income and YOUR savings and this concept generally of 'mine' and 'his'? Are you somehow unaware of marital law as says a married couple owns everything 50/50, regardless of which individual partner's name happens to be on the account (or ANY deeds or titles for that matter)?
Also, the fact you're even CONSIDERING somehow placing this windfall out of his reach, irrespective of how logical you believe your reasons to be, rather than standing your ground and asserting yourself harder, tells me that you and your husband BOTH lack the relationship-requisite attitude of 'there is no I in We'... albeit I get that he started it. Still, that's no reason to get down to HIS level when there are healthier solutions. I also object to this idea that he should have financial privacy regarding 'his own' money. Oh yeah? Tell that to any Family Law Court and then be ready to quickly open an umbrella before you get wet from all the derisive snorting! It's ALL of it - lock, stock and barrel - in-common.
If he wants to be a, quote, very private person, even with things that have no business being kept private in this domain, he can damn well go back to being SINGLE!
The way you two are behaving... that's hardly a marriage, now, is it?
In fact, what he's doing, including that (agree with TDOS) emotionally-blackmailing response to your perfectly within-rights demands, is called Financial Abuse and is a bona-fide criterion under Domestic Abuse, generally. Not only that, it's been proven to be the first rung on the total abuse-ladder, meaning, it leads too easily, too quickly, to other forms. Maybe he doesn't mean to do it or realise that's what his behaviour comes under, instead just desperate to be CAPABLE AND USEFUL AND NEEDED despite his disabilities. But whether a person stands painfully on another's toe deliberately, inadvertently or completely accidentally, the latter two become automatically eliminated if, despite alerted to the fact, they still fail or outright refuse to remove their foot ...IMMEDIATELY!
Furthermore, financial control/abuse seriously stunts trust and intimacy. So this is an unhealthy major situation thus non-ideal marriage whichever way you want to look at it.
You should also bear in mind that if he's been maritally embezzling - which guilty conscience his unreasonable threat reaction could well be said to indicate (like Susie noted) - you likewise own ALL DEBTS as well as the resultant POOR CREDIT RATING! Even BANKRUPTCY! And I say threat reaction because evidently your perfectly benign, perfectly reasonable and, you'd think, at whatever point EXPECTED request/demand posed in his mind as A THREAT THAT NEEDED IMMEDIATE COUNTERING AND ACE-ING. A threat HOW? Now isn't that the six Million Dollar question!
Here's another: His suggestion that you seek online feedback? Was that a desperate bluff attempt? And - relay it all back to him? Why - so he  can know whether and when you bothered following-through and  can quickly start moving money around and destroying bank statements? He's a man...As if he even NEEDED any outside opinions on what to him would be a no-brainer matter in the first place! So what's he suggesting there? That your needs, thoughts and feelings alone don't count unless X many other people happen to back them up, i.e. he'll bend to unseen public pressure but not the 'pressure' called Whatever My (supposedly equal) Partner Has a Right to Demand of Me? Or was that just a lame delay tactic?
I am very, very concerned right now, NETTY... I can't tell you how much. In which case - absolutely NO to the question of handing over your windfall!
Don't let him see this latest message of mine - repeat, DO NOT LET HIM SEE THIS - and, without doing anything to put him on-alert, contact your bank manager or local Citizen's Advice Bureau or Abuse Helpline or any relative or friend - NOW! Failing that, hire yourself a freelance accountant who'd be happy to delay payment until your windfall hits. Do whatever it takes/whatever you can. And he can't turn around and complain about that because he's acting VERY suspiciously.
PS: If I had a goose that laid golden eggs, no doubt I'd be an awesome encourager and take good care of it (on the surface) too!
PPS: I presume there's a past, per-month paper trail from your regular income provider to your account then to 'his'?
PLEASE PLEASE TAKE SOULMATE ADVICE...Don't be intimidated by him getting upset or angry (ignore it). Your intuition is SCREAMING PROTECT YOURSELf!
Asking you to go on line for advice was strange. Whatever you do do NOT allow him access to your future windfall,set up protections at your bank.
You really should discontinue co-mingle your current income with his if he's not willing to have both of you on the account. What he's reason for having his name only rather than both? There is no good reason.
You're thinking what I'm thinking, aren't you, SK. Let's hope and pray we're both wrong this time. [insert sickly grin]
(BTW, are you likewise seeing non-stop blocks of text where before there were para breaks and then, next time you look, back to normal again?)