PeoplesProblems Logo

Husband is a blamer

Default profile image
Relationship advice Please help. My husband of 3 years is normally a lovely man even if he does occasionally fly of the handle over little things. But he is a blamer, today for instance he flew off the handle and accused me of threatening him. He hadn't shaved for a couple of days and had a very bristly chin. I had a terminal illness and the drugs I take to control the disease and symptoms make my skin very sensitive and if we kiss where his bristles touch it rubs my skin raw and causes hives which become infected etc etc. So I asked him to shave. I explained (again about my skin) he said he would shave. he then said he wanted to keep them as he wanted to annoy his mother (she hates him being unshaven) so I said that's fine but you won't be able to kiss me until next week after you've seen her. He then went ballistic accusing me of threatenting him, telling me he wont tolerate being threatened and generally reducing me to tears. I tried explaining I wasn't threatening him I was just saying that I can't risk getting an infection as I explained about his whiskers aggravating my skin, etc etc and that I didn't mean it as a threat but he wouldn't listen just got nastier with his comments. I ended up leaving for work in a right state and eventually ringing him a short while later and then he tried to say that I was threatening him because he wouldn't shave and he had already said he would and I just blew it out of proportion. But when I said he was wrong I hadn't threatened him and he had said he wanted to keep the whiskers until he had seen him mum he started saying I had threatened him even after he had said he was going to shave and it was all about him shaving, when it wasn't it was about him saying he wanted to keep them for a while.

He is my carer so he knows all about my illness as well as knowing how ill I become if I get any kind of infection.

This isn't the first time he's blown up over a remark he has assumed is a crtitisisn or a threat and then tries to make out I am getting upset at his reaction to something else completely. i.e I might say (this is just an example not reality) oh you've left your red socks on the floor! and he'll blow up and then he'll say I was critising him for wearing red sock!

How on earth do I deal with this when I adore him and in between times he's kind and loving?

Husband is a blamer

Default profile image
Apologies for the wait.

"I wanted to keep them (but I know I can't)". That's what he meant. He perhaps needs to be clearer. But then, he was clouded at the time, wasn't he... eye not on the clarities ball.

Three years. But with a slow-you-down weight around both your ankles. Still naturally in 'hypersensitive to each other' mode, then. Plus, he obviously has a latent hang-up about his obviously overbearing mother. I think I can appreciate why. I mean - 'hates him being unshaven'? At his age? Who does she think she (still) is? Frankly, if he wants to dye his chin-hair bright Pink then that's his total prerogative as a fully-fledged adult! So - more to the point - who does she think HE (still) is?

(Divorcee-style Sleeping Beauty, was she?)

Anyway, even aside from bog-standard relationship over-sensitivity and his still carrying that filial chip on his shoulder, that means you currently have hypersensitive physical skin and he currently has likewise *as well as* hypersensitive *psychological* skin.

He was enjoying a cathartic fantasy... just venting, really... using it as a means to channel out some steam... let out some pressure... and you chose that very moment to put a pragmatisms pin into said obviously badly-needed little bubble. BANG! Out came the bile he'd inflated it with... all over you.

Whoopsie-daisy. Bad timing.

Put it this way: he was in gorilla mode, already rattling the bars of his cage, ready for a (fantasy) overdue punch-up with the offending matriarchal gorilla in the next-door cage, in the safe (petty/cowardly/still cowed?) form of imagining sticking two hairy fingers up to her and her obvious attitude of OWNING him thus still permitted to criticise his independent, adult right to make his own decisions and conduct his life however he likes. Now imagine Dr Doolittle choosing that moment to try to advise this gorilla - who's already worked himself into a lather - to take care not to break the bars of his cage or scrape its paint off, and what reaction HE'D get. PARTICULARLY if that gorilla had already been through the stress of having had to wonder whether his soulmate might die of her illness (cancer, yes?). Etcetera. When the lid of Pandora's Box opens wide enough, it ALL flies out! Particularly with one who's for most of his life been straitjacketed from ever opening it and thereby getting any vital practise in terms of manual delicacy.

Voila.

Although...'He knows, he knows, he knows...'. What about what YOU know? After three whole years, how come you couldn't tell he was just trying to safely rid himself of yet more of his latent anger and recent stress? Didn't you realise he wanted support/for you to cheer him on or, better yet, get into that dark-side playpen WITH him ("Yeah, howdya like THEM apples, bicz?!"), and NOT a premature and at that point unwanted bringing-down-to-earth with a bump? Or are you forgetting what you know/failing to apply your knowledge/incapable of spotting cues in the first place, due to understandably having your head taken up with trying to manage as well as prevent any avoidable symptomatic flare-ups?

Fear meets fear, head-on. KER-BOOM!

The issue, here, in actual fact, is that this guy isn't well practised at saying sorry first, like a gentleman, in the knowledge that it'd encourage you to do likewise by setting the example. Because [1] he'd be too used to injustice, and [2] he can't self-comfort (- no, course not, his mother's a control-freak whom accordingly never gave him the opportunity to learn how), meaning, takes longer than the average to calm down and see sense again.

And, IMO, you do NEED to do likewise because, despite no-one's FAULT, per se, just circumstance's and cross-purposes - your mental distractedness saw you doing what was tantamount to this, during sex: "Here, imagine if I were your granny". (:-O) Another parallel would be interrupting someone when they're up against a deadline at their PC, typing furiously in deep, deep concentration yet having trouble articulating what they want to say but where, if not for your interruption, it had been on the tip of their frustrated tongue.

But, yep, I agree he completely overreacted (so he's a fine one to talk about blowing things out of proportion!). He obviously concentrates/attaches too deeply to be capable of coping with a cold bucket of reality water over the head. So he's obviously a limpet (as well as creative). No doubt WHY you're so utterly delirious with love and lust at all other times, eh (good!). Rough with smooth.

And you sound literal and logical despite at times OTHER than this instance, a much-needed anchor. Rough with smooth.

Talking of smooth: With your condition, he should be making the effort to be clean-shaven EVERY day. Because you should still be SNOGGING every day. Why aren't you? Or is that a stupid question, all medical things considered? Maybe if you were - even if you had to force yourself by-rote - he wouldn't involuntarily 'lose sight' of you and forget you're on his side, nor PANIC at the thought of going yet ANOTHER day without a snog? (Did he perhaps, whilst in defensive mode of thinking, fear you were cooking up an excuse not to, and panic that you've secretly been going off him?).

How you 'deal' with it is, EMBRACE what lays beneath the cover story for the good of romantic health and get with the part-programme, called his part-opportunism (trying to turn a lemon into Lemonade): If you have a humdinger fight you inevitably tend to equally humdingingly do WHAT afterwards? ;;;-) Far be it for a blokie who's already had it up to 'here' with exposing any vulnerabilities only to see himself humiliated and rejected, to say, 'Oh, PLEEEEASE can we have sex this weekend?'.

Husband is a blamer

Default profile image
PS: "who's already had it up to 'here' with exposing any vulnerabilities only to see himself humiliated and rejected"

Should add, I mean his mum, not you.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2