Everything I wanted but I denied myself
You ever wanted to be in a relationship with someone so ridiculously bad, and then you get your shot and you don't take it?
That's exactly what happened with me. For the past 5 months there was this girl that I had the biggest crush on. She was perfect for me. Always playfully teasing me, incredible sense of humor, by far the most beautiful girl I have ever seen/met. This was the first time I truly fell in love/attracted to someone. I have serious trust issues and don't let people in my life. But she was different from everybody. I don't know how she did it but she got to the point where I couldn't just not reply to her messages without feeling bad. She was everything for me. I managed to get to the point that we both admitted that we loved each other. I was at the happiest point in my life when this was going on. Last for about two months. And then I hit this stage in my life were she was so perfect, I thought "Why would she want to be with me when there are others that can give her more than myself, ones who would make her happier than myself?" And thats what I told her. She would tell me to shut up, as her own way of saying you're being stupid I don't want others. This hit me deep in my heart. I honestly couldn't believe she would take me over everybody else.
But what I did after is what ruined the year of 2015 for me. I still couldn't accept that she could be doing better and thats what I wanted for her. So I stopped talking to her. I saw everything she would post on social media, but I would avoid talking to her as my way of separating myself hoping she finds someone better for her. I would go two full months without talking to her. Then one day she actually managed to see/find me while I was walking. Right there she would yell at me for not talking to her, not meeting her anymore, not replying to her messages, nothing. I told her I am deeply sorry for it but I wanted her to go meet others and find people that are better than me. She didn't deserve to be around me. But again, she would tell me to be quiet and to talk to her more frequently. So for the week following that, I did.But I again would go back to not talking to her. This would last a month.
Then a couple of days ago she wanted to catch up on everything. We easily spent over an hour talking about everything we did when we didn't talk. I enjoyed listening to her tell me stories of what happened. I was happy for her. But what I found interesting is that she wanted to know what was happening in my life more. She wanted to know what I had been up to. So I had told her and she was actually interested. That was a really good day. Then last night while we were talking she said for the first time in 4 months, that she still loved me. Right then I knew it was my chance to date the girl that was my everything. And what did I do? I just smiled back and didn't say I love you back. Once I had sent that I knew it was over. I have no chance of dating her. The love of my life, I straight denied wanting to date. Why? Because I am too scared of what happens if it doesn't work out. If it doesn't live up to be what I imagined it being. If it doesn't fill that void of loving affection she had for me that it once did. I spent everyday for 4 months crying myself to sleep because I felt that I wasn't good enough, and I still don't believe I am. Now as I wait for her to get out of class in a couple of hours I am stuck thinking, did I mess up? Should I have said it back to here? Is there still even the slightest chance still that I can get with her?
What I realized when I didn't talk her and I hit my depression state, was that no matter what you have in life if you don't have someone loving you, then you have nothing. Not to brag but I am a wealthy person I have very nice and expensive things. That isn't why she liked me because she admitting to loving me before I told her about what I own. I have my dream car, the limited edition Jordans, expensive clothing, very big house, ect. But none of it makes me happy. Because I don't have someone loving me for me and not for what I have.
you say : "if it doesn't live up to be what I imagined it being" - that's maybe where the problem lies : what do you imagine ? why is it that you can't take reality as it comes and deal with the relationship the way it is ?
your trust issues seem to be not related to you being wealthy with girls wanting to date you for your money - but more to what you think you're worth as a person : you seem to be convinced you're not worthy enough : why ?
if you do like/love her - go and tell her and jump in this relation : she seems to want it and you too - put you inner doubts aside - life is not perfect and you never really "own" anything anyhow - certainly not people