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Confused and kind of hurt

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Relationship advice So there's this girl in my math class that seemed to like me just by the way she acts. My first encounter with her was during a group quiz where she didn't know how to solve a particular problem. The entire group was a little puzzled by the problem so we just began to throw out answers that we thought could be right. After I said my answer she looked directly at me and said " I think he's right, I trust him". The entire time she was looking directly into my eyes and it felt... weird. Like she's a pretty girl and all but that look was something that was so random and it caught me off guard.My first thought was "I think she likes me?" But I really didn't think much about it. After a few weeks in the class she would occasionally ask me questions about homework, quiz dates, etc... Each time it almost seemed like she wasn't paying attention to what I was saying. She would just stare directly at my eyes and crack a smile with a little " Thanks" after I finished talking. I mean who does that unless they have a crush on you... right? Well I was starting to think maybe I should try to hook up with her just to see what would happen, but my friend told me that he had a big crush on her for a while. This put me in a VERY awkward position as i felt that she had feelings towards me. One day after classes were over I was looking for my friend to give me a ride home, but he had a dentist appointment that day. That same day i saw the girl walking through the school cafeteria. I dont know why I thought this was a good idea but i stopped her and asked " Oh have you seen Brandon? He's my ride." She texted him and told me what i already knew. I then asked for her number saying that i had to talk to her about something but that i couldn't do it here. She gave me her number and i texted her that night. I started with a simple " Hey". She took a while to reply, but when she did the replies were almost instantaneous. She seemed so eager to know what I wanted to talk to her about so i asked her " So you and Brandon are a thing right?" Just to see her reaction. But she replied with a " WHAT? NO! We're just friends... THAT WAS THE BIG THING YOU NEEDED TO TELL ME?" She then stopped texting back. The next day she walks in with Brandon next to her talking LOUDLY about my text messages. Brandon wasn't helping either, he was saying stuff like " That was so weird that he asked you where i was because i was texting that bitch on the other line!" I felt so embarrassed! But she seemed really angry like why did she get so angry after i texted her? Perhaps she was expecting me to say something else but still she seemed so pissed off. I would try to talk to her after class but she just seemed kinda weird like she didn't want to see me.After our finals i wanted to just grab her and get to the bottom of everything because i probably wouldn't see her again. But she left the classroom quickly. I decided to text her a few days after our class ended and i sent a rather long message saying that i did have something else to say that other day but that i didn't say it because i just didn't want to cause awkward tension during finals week. I told her that I developed a thing for her and I wanted to get to know her better. 1 hr passed.... 2 hrs passed...9 hrs passed... no response. I decided to text her again the following morning ( This morning actually) to see why she left me in suspense for the past 15 hours. She just said " I don't know what you want me to say? No. I don't like you." WHAT??? You mean to tell me after all the looks and everything you never liked me? I asked her why she didn't just say that instead of just not replying. She then replied with " You know i got shit to do! The world doesn't revolve around you! Relax Goddamn" Like WTF WAS THAT? It was a simple question. Why did she react so veraciously? It did kind of hurt me because this is the first time I get rejected I guess, but it doesn't make sense to me. Do I just forget about her? Do I try to see why she got so angry all of a sudden? I still like her, but I don't know what to do. For those of you who actually read all the way to the end of my sad sob story thanks and any advise/ comments are welcomed.

Confused and kind of hurt

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Lessons learned:

Looks and glances don't mean a thing without action behind them.

Texts don't count when trying to develop a relationship. That takes face to face interaction to happen.

Game playing doesn't work when trying to develop a relationship.

Brandon enjoys jamming you up. Watch him in the future.

There never was anything with this girl even "after all the looks and everything." (which never happened)

Move on when someone does not respond.

Confused and kind of hurt

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How old is she?

Confused and kind of hurt

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We are both 19

Confused and kind of hurt

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My advice "Yes just forget about her and move on" As SUSIEDQQ said - Lessons Learned.

Confused and kind of hurt

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Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-Nineteen [- old fogey ref to an 80s hit record, don't mind me ;-)].

Right. Has she ever had a boyfriend, do you know (and I mean for a FACT, seen with your own eyes, not just what you might have heard or been told)?

Confused and kind of hurt

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Well my "friend" Brandon has known her since high school. Have I seen her with a boy friend? No. But Brandon did say she was one of those hard to get girls. He had never seen her with a boy friend or even hang out with guys at all. I wasn't being delusional when I said that she was giving me looks because Brandon had noticed them as well. He would make comments like " Oh so I've noticed she's been talking to you a lot lately...HA she's trying to make me jealous." I knew it was bugging him despite him trying to play it off with jokes. So I guess it isn't a surprise he threw me under the bus the first chance he could get. You know people here say that I should learn my lesson and all but I'm struggling to understand where it went wrong. She was like a really nice girl one day and then over night she turned into this scary angry person. Like I just wanna know where I fucked up so I doesn't happen again you know?

Confused and kind of hurt

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(No, I know you weren't being delusional. I can read eyes and actions, too. And yes, I agree you have to understand something before you can possibly know into which mental 'filing cabinet' or, indeed, 'folder' to file information away for later recall + multi-usefulness. All Susie and SkinnyGirl were recommending, I think, was, simply to file it in the PENDING folder until the 'back of your mind' naturally worked it out for Conscious You, all by itself and without any extra help aside from a bit more TIME... because that WOULD happen at whatever inevitable point if you could be patient and wait... which you can't at your age, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-not yet.)

Anyhoo...

Brandon says, Brandon says. I'm with Susie: Brandon's beginning to annoy me, frankly. FORGET what Brandon RECKONS he knows. Here's the truth: "Have I seen her with a boy friend? No."

NO.

Because she's never had one. Or anything like it.

SHE'S SCARED. You scared her off...without meaning to. [1] She's as socially unsure of herself and inexperienced as you, possibly more so, despite the "cool, sassy girl" image. Are we even surprised, considering all the latest porn-based pressure newly out there, if you close your eyes for a minute and imagine *you/your gender* were the ones being constantly, systematically, overtly AND subliminally FORCE-fed all these tacit, unrealistic so-called relationship pre-demands in terms of 'being expected' to provide, straight off-the-bat, the sexual know-how and confidence of some expert, 50-year-old prostitute?...even BEFORE OR WITHOUT a first date, a lot of the times? Imagine porn were aimed coercively at you and included having to on the first date take a cucumber being rammed up your you-know-what or a toothpick up the other you-know-what.

Feeling it in your head yet? There ya go. It's literally terrifying to young girls, no matter their outward pretensions to the contrary. And you're 'one of the perps', simply by virtue of your gender.

She was trying to suss you out with that 'eye-scan', after having said she trusted you in such as a way as was (normally) likely to evoke an outward verbal or postural reaction. You went all pokerface...which is why she got closer-in ...to the WINDOWS. Trying to get confirmation of her, at that point, possibly prematurely over-confident claim.

You then BURST that bubble with your, unbeknownst to you, HIGHLY CONFIDENT-seeming approach later on. Whether you realise it or not, that was a polished CONFRONTATION, which itself, when added to such TENACITY, suggests you're more 'man of the world' than she'd bargained for ("one of them, eek!"), as opposed to the kindred, equally vulnerable spirit she thought she'd correctly gauged and wanted to (slowly, slooowly) get to know better.

[2] HAVING that confident, popular-gal image she's self-protectively crafted for herself and loath to let down thus forever lose - what did you expect her to say during that challenging confrontation? "EEK, MUMMY!"? You might have gone straight into college the next day and told everyone in a "HAH-hah!" way, for all she at that confused point knew. So, feeling under attack and otherwise defenseless, she resorted to counter-attack in the form of COCKY AGGRESSION (and, next day, INTIMIDATION ("try it NOW, bucko!").

But, re-winding to the phonecall's near close, that didn't feel sufficient so - cue her 'summoning the troops'/'calling for back-up'. She may not fancy Brandon but she's not an idiot where concerns his designs on her. So, in a desperation situation, he was a conveniently to-hand, useful tool. He's just being used (out of desperation) at this point and can't even see it or doesn't WANT to see it. And that's because he needed to use HER...as his *earlier* attempt to put you off her trail supports.

He's not a friend-friend, he's a friendly competitor (at times of desperation, not so friendly). A FRIEND-friend would have said something more like, 'Aww.. I thought it was ME she liked but, clearly not. Oh, well, Que Sera... you go for it, mate, with my blessing!'.

So back to her... Not "scary angry person". SCARED, pretending to be angry person.

So - solution (homework, ha-ha). Tell me all the ways you could think of to change her mind back again about you being the more gentle, gentlemanly, SAFER soul she originally detected and pegged you as?

Confused and kind of hurt

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Sorry, I forgot to mention this bit:

"O! We're just friends... THAT WAS THE BIG THING YOU NEEDED TO TELL ME?""

She was disappointed as well. Prior to that point she's been convinced you had finally taken the hint to confess you liked her and ask her out (and had been busy half-freaking-out and half-jumping around her bedroom in excitement and texting friends for advice on how to respond to your overly unhelpful 'Hey'). Instead, you suddenly sounded like the whole point of your 'call' was just to trawl for gossip.

Confused and kind of hurt

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Damn dude...you're like one of my college professors lol I like it. Anyways, I have never actually asked a girl out to be honest. It has always just happened that a girl likes me and other people have always brought us together so I've never had to "man up". In this situation I knew there wouldn't be someone else to do the work for me. I would actually have to man up and go for it, which I failed to do so the first time I texted her. So I'm not a more confident/more experienced jock. I'm just as scared as her. After this experience I'm completely terrified of her. I've thought about waiting till Christmas to text her again to have you know an excuse to text her. But my plan only gets up to " Merry Christmas!" then what do I say? She seemed sick of me the last time I texted her. For example, last week I was discussing the new star wars movie with a friend while the teacher was talking about stuff that was going to be on the final... not a good idea. The teacher got mad and kicked us both out. Having problems with Brandon I decided to try to talk to Janna ( Her name ) about what the final was going to be over. When I asked she made no eye contact. She didn't even acknowledge me until I poked her. She then turned and gave me like a "ughhh you" kind of look and quickly said " I'll send you a picture". So you know I was expecting a picture but didn't get one the entire night. I texted her the next morning with this exact message," Hey look I feel this strong tension between us like you're mad at me. I'm sorry for whatever I did to upset you but I really do need the information for the final so could you please send me the picture...please" she then replied instantly with " ok ok relax goddamn I forgot. Give me a minute." Like if she's gonna talk to me like that all the time then is there really any chance of fixing that? When I texted her the big speech confessing my feelings her exact reply was weird. She said " It's a no. I don't like you. You were a friend the entire time." I don't know why my brain focused on the last line of " You were a friend the entire time" as if it it was an encoded message. If she didn't like me why didn't she just say " No. I don't like you." Why did she have to say that I was a friend the " entire time" as if she was like implying that we did stuff that would prove otherwise. Ugh it's hard to explain my thought process. But you know what I mean by this right? Wrapping it up, I don't know how to try to open the door to her again because as of right now the door seems shut even to a friendly relationship. She shows no interest at all. I'm sure there is a way to get back into the game but I just don't see how as I've never been in this situation before. How could I change her mind coach?

Confused and kind of hurt

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(Assuming that's because he's got XL round-objects and devastating good looks, I'll take that compliment, cheers. LOL)

"I don't know why my brain focused on the last line of " You were a friend the entire time" as if it it was an encoded message. If she didn't like me why didn't she just say " No. I don't like you." Why did she have to say that I was a friend the " entire time" as if she was like implying that we did stuff that would prove otherwise. Ugh it's hard to explain my thought process. But you know what I mean by this right?"

*I* do. It was. Yes, why didn't she (actions). Not 'as if' - *was*... it's known as 'The lady doth proteseth TOO MUCH' or ham-acting. No it's not, you articulate gobsmackingly well for your supposed young age. I've got your whole number more than you could even imagine and I just HOPE you're planning to become a psychoanalyst when you're older because the industry needs natural-born types like you with such a 360-degree, blind-spot-free radar and 'third eye'. And that inability to get anything past you is what makes you so scary. I mean, how can anyone keep their overly self-protecting veneers intact or operational with you and your hawk-eyed, x-ray vision around?

This is the problemo, now:

First off, you think you're lacking confidence but, from what I see here and the other thread you contributed to so beyond-years impressively, you're either misinformed or have undergone a mental growth spurt and not yet consciously caught up with yourself and who you newly are or are confusing confidence for experience? Other people your age have far less confidence AND eloquence AND insight AND beyond-your-years logic and wisdom than you but are just better at covering it up by bluffing with their cocky mouths. Actions, particularly confrontations either negative or positive, like how you stopped her at school, without spluttering, stuttering and blushing (when there are too many grown men who still do that or bottle out altogether), is what trips them up and exposes them. Or was it you who summoned troops ready for the embarrassing next day? You felt un-confident for YOU, which by other's true standards still meant - self-assured.

What you're NOT is socially sensitive and an expert on how women tick (course not)...and this is the time when those social interaction demands (in-line with that of thinner skins) suddenly increase... most usually led (as per) by the now thinner-skinned, delicate ladies.

This Janna is over-sensitive (hormones all over the place, I shouldn't wonder) and apt to "get a cob on" if others seem not to be busting as much of a gut in that regard as her.

This is what's been happening in summary:

1. She gets wind of your finer underneathies and starts to really notice and try to scan you (intently/repeatedly - ACTIONS!).

2. You suddenly text...and she naturally thinks, He's come to ask me out or at least start to woo me, ...feeling flattered, getting worked up and - once over the initial shock and time it took to share round said excitement and self-prepare - understandably then giving you her full and undivided textual time and attention (continually instant responses) (ACTIONS-ACTIONS!).

3. By erroneously deferring too much (all things considered) to Brandon's sensitivities over hers, you suddenly create the impression you had merely been trawling for gossip or verification over Brandon's claims. That would feel like being set up only to be knocked down - "POP!...peeeeeeeeeeee-ewwwww...fleugh". (Self-)Humiliating. So - "Perhaps she was expecting me to say something else..." - spot-on!

4. Brandon, suddenly without-warning confronted and embarrassed, has to deny this vehemently *as well as* seize this opportunity to 'get in' with her and shove you out - in so doing, going overboard by playing turn-coat and, I shouldn't wonder, trying to lend weight to his own defense case by running you down in relation to her, as a 'two for the price of one' way to in the process big himself UP (the tail-end of which you overheard the next day, ref 'was texting the bizc at the time').

I should add at this point, how much Brandon stands to lose/lose. Not only does he fancy her for himself but he stands to lose your prime leisure time availability ("soz mate, can't - seeing the girlfriend (again)"). He thinks you're like him and would dispense with him like he would you, remember?

5. Then you do it again: prod her (deliberately made necessary by her because she wanted to see you sweat on her behalf) but, instead of delivering your apology, ASKING FOR A FAVOUR (oops). FuQUEUE, is her feelings about that. Hence - actions. Her ego equalisation attempt.

6. You then textually apologise (tick!) but (uh-oh) make it sound like cupboard-love...conditional... purely and only because you need an important favour (I love youcanIhaveabiscuit?): Fuqueue-FUQUUUE!!!! Yet simultaneously with a show of her having been semi-placated and guilt-twanged by the first-half apology (yes, okay, alright, bloody hell, stop nagging). Not enough to produce the actual follow-through, though. That would be a whole return-olive-branch whereas you proffered only a half so got half back.

Deeper-down, what she's doing is using this faux-pas of yours as her excuse to hide behind, now that you've romantically, seemingly against 'scanned' character, gone URRR!, ME TARZAN! (and her, EEEK, MUMMY!!!). This is all just her running away in fright without revealing her romantic trepidation and insecurity...saving private and public face.

Your apology should have asked for nothing back WHAT...SO...EVER. Because, without even having realised at the time, you owed HER. You and any man owe her anyway, just by virtue of insisting you're the bosses and save-the-day heroes, meaning the buck always stops with the man as part and parcel of that mass position-hogging. That's its downside.

Damage-limitation (although it's going to take patience to let her regain any confidence): Text, or better yet - SAY - something like this:

I didn't really need the picture, could have asked someone else. Really I just knew I owed you an apology ...but ended up fluffing that up as well. Sorry. Hope we can go back to being friends but understand perfectly if not so will leave it entirely with you.

(And it's true - you could have asked anyone in that class..even the teacher...or else had ready to present to him that excuse of not having had the vital tools with which to have done the assignment. You ain't a telepath or magician, after all, and that teacher's been where you are right now; they all have.)

However, I think she may just be too damned trigger-happy thin-skinned and prickly for you. You need an old soul on young shoulders, lacking hubris, like you ("Never miiiind, I'll find someone liike yoooou"). She's behaved badly as well, being so over-ready to take offence (fright) at the drop of any hat like that and clearly not being ready to put her seemingly grown-up, "serfistikayted" money where her mouth is.

But that's the point of this proper-apology-type litmus... to dip it in her (oy-oy!) to see what she's REALLY made of thus whether it'll do the trick like it should.

Trust me, she is WAY more terrified of you! Because of your being very intense, insightful, analytical, logical, impossible to fool in terms of the What if not the Why/How that lays behind it... basically you could be dating an older woman and, having greater patience and understanding of the fact you just lack EXPERIENCE (normal), she'd bloody LOVE all that intensity and sincerity (and would pay more attention to the actions and their meanings, over words, like you do).

The good news is, you've ended up having your colours broadcasted via the mainly female grapevine, meaning, any other female who DOES have the more mature ability to appreciate and find impressive the extra, conscientious mile you at least could be arsed to go to, now knows where to find you. Janna, Brandon, this whole incident, could be a stepping-stone to something/some-ONE who's going to make Janna pale into total insignificance.

I have a feeling Janna isn't ripe and ready, you see, as opposed to you, and is just playing dressing-up boxes still. That's where the call to accuse a woman of being a p***k-tease hails from: the man has basically failed in his mission to make her feel safe enough to take things further despite the DESIRE was present, resulting in this ringing the doorbell but then running away (followed by his anger, frustration and need for vengeance). He stuffs up by not 'knowing his patient' thus not wooing her enough or the right way as an individual, and suddenly it's all HER fault. It's no-one's, actually. Just a case of two birds not of the sufficiently same feather trying to get it together because the physical chemistry doesn't need mental chemistry in order to spark when that 'missing half' gets compensated for by the fact you're all really, really rhymes-with-yawny.

But as I told someone else on here recently: the reason why that poster of the naked, toned/muscely bloke cuddling the naked baby sold so well is because it symbolised that HIGHLY attractive-to-females mixture between URRR!! and Ahhhh.

You've done the URRR (bit too much). The no-strings re-apology (you're allowed to re-serve in tennis if you've hit it into the net) will turn that dial back to a less scary level by re-introducing the Ahhh factor... which side of you is what had seen her bold enough to begin with to do the approaching - assuming she could get to keep total, constant control of the steering wheel (widespread, modern-day mistake - chasing/wooing is YOUR job) so as not to find herself out of her secretly still little girl depth... in which case, IMMEDIATELY this turned into a power struggle.

It's great practise, though, because no matter HOW socially sensitive and sophisticated a man becomes over time, he's still always inadequate compared to most women, meaning, he's going to have to do a LOT of apologising in his romantic career! (She has her own crosses to bear, though, don't you worry.) Most men, according to women, are CRAP at apologising or having the b*lls to in the first place, and are said to be full of excuses, bat-backs and blame-shifting...additionally, selfish, self-obsessed, non-empathetic, thin-skinned yet insensitive, pushy, relentless..... all Urr, no Ahh (*fail*). Frustratingly, when a man is too Ahh and not enough Urr is when he gets labelled a wimp.

It's a tricky balance to find, at first, but once you finally manage it, get those (and other) dial positions set right - through this kind of golden practise opportunity - is when you become "HOT-HOT-HOT".

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-14