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First time experiencing this

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I'm not sure what I'm really looking for by posting this or coming here, but right now I really have no one to vent too and all I feel is hurt and pain so I figure this is a good way to get some things off my chest. I've known this girl for about a cumulative 2 1/2 years, but have only been seriously in love with her for about 6 months. She was sort of a high school crush that turned into way more after we started really talking and connecting about a year after highschool. We're both 20 for some perspective. Now we started avidly texting and seeing each other about 6 months ago and it started off as just getting to know each other, she wouldn't let it go further because she has just recently gotten out of an almost 2 year relationship with her ex, which was her longest relationship yet. As we started to talk we find out a lot of things we have in common and that we kinda just click really well with both of our personalities. A big shock is that she told me she had feelings for me in highschool but out of respect for her relationship she didn't act on them, so both of our feelings towards each other have run a bit more back than 6 months. Getting to the actual issue, there was an event that happened for her school about a month ago that she invited me too. During that time she was also dealing with one of her best friends going through a miscarriage, which I knew was affecting her attitude because she was with her mostly everyday helping her cope and such. I was looking forward to lightening her mood and just spending time together which I know now was a bit of a long shot. I noticed as soon as she got in the car she was kinda just sad looking and wasn't herself really but she still made an effort to talk to me and smile and tease me like she always did. As soon as we got to the event that's where stuff kinda went off. When we got out the car she didn't want to kiss me making up some excuse of a joke we made in an earlier texting which I kinda let go because maybe she just wasn't feeling it. Then we were there for about 15 minutes before she just pulled me away and told me she wanted to leave. At that point I knew something was really bothering her and I kept asking her if there was something that was bothering her and if there was anything I could do to help. She kept refusing and saying nothing was up and started to get frustrated at me since I kept asking which made me incredibly hurt and frustrated at her. It hurt that she wouldn't let me in to what bothered her which I had continually in the past had told her that that didn't do it for me. By that I mean I'm really big about communication and if you just close up and refuse to talk, that hurts and makes me feel like I'm not wanted around. Anyways the drive back was an awful silence, and little spurts of me trying to tell her why I wanted to know so much and her constantly refusing. I dropped her off at her house and I kind of burnt out after she had gotten out to just show my frustration a little. When I get home I talk to people who are close to me and decide its best for her to have a little time to herself because she needs to obviously just work things out. 4 days later I text her trying to resume our normal conversations but she just completely cuts me off with just one word answers or just blowing me off all together. I ask her why and she said she'd finally realized that she wasn't ready for a relationship and that she didn't need one right now and that she thought it was better to focus on herself. And if that was the case I'd totally accept it and move on, but I feel like its not. She's said that to me dozens of times over text, she's told me she doesnt know what she wants, that she has strong feelings for me but doesn't know if they will go anywhere, and that a relationship would be a distraction to her school stuff. And you'd think that be enough for me to back off right? Well I had, actually on 2 different occassions. I cut her off for a month because I knew my feelings were to strong and she didnt want anything and then a month later she texts me and we talk about us and decide to move forward. Another occasion was only about a week but it was her who restarted communication first, not me. But this is all over text. About 3 months into our "talking" I guess, she decides to kiss me. Now this was my first ever kiss ever. I was 19 years of age at the time, and it was the first time I had ever kissed a girl. She just came over one night to my place and we were hanging out and she just went for it man. After that like our relationship changed. I mean we were never officially together, but we'd go out to places and she'd come over for hours and we'd spend it just talking, kissing, and cuddling. It felt like an actual relationship, but she always told me she didnt know what she wanted. We never had sex, not because she wasn't ready but every time it got to that point I kind of stopped her and myself because I don't believe I was ready, but that shouldn't make the impression on you that other stuff wasn't done. The point I'm trying to make is her attitude towards me was completely different in person and over text. In person she looked completely head over heels for me. She'd just stare at me sometimes and I could always see when she was looking at something then turn towards me, her eyes would dilate incredibly big and she'd tilt her head kind of. She'd like caress me and all that other shit which makes even the strongest of guys melt. Over text it was still lovey dovey, but if I brought up anything about like us being together she'd just tell me the same things over again, or tell me I was pressuring her into something she wasn't ready for. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, to be honest I dont know if there's really a helpful answer to this situation, maybe it's just me wanting to tell it to someone I'm not sure. The main thing is that right now I feel like garbage. It's been about a month and some change and all I can think about is her. I remember the way her lips felt when we were kissing and the way she would play with my hair if we were laying down. This literally feels like a depression and there's literally no escaping it. I've been told to just let it go and drop it, and I've been told to keep going for it until I think I'm done. I don't want to regain communication with her because what if it's all just really over, ya know? What if she's completely over me and how I acted that one night. Maybe she can't stand the thought of me and just wants to be left alone and thinks of me as a nuisance now. It will look just desperate, I could have just been a rebound and nothing more. Her actions don't lie though, if it's one thing she's bad at its hiding her emotions face to face. Everything she said to me and everything we did together felt so genuine, like we were really in love, ya know? I don't feel like it's over but I'm not sure my head is in a weird place right. Once again, my apologies for the rambling and punctuation errors and such. Any help would be much appreciated.

First time experiencing this

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Save yourself the trouble and leave her alone someone women date certain guys because when they are around them they don't feel judged if you get what I mean. I was dating someone for about a year. When we first got together everything was perfect, but you know the old saying. Well I lost my job a while into the relationship and I was stuck in a rut because I just went from being the provider to not having anything and I honestly was frustrated and that was affecting the relationship we decided too slow down a bit and promises each other we would rough it out until things got better. It did although very slowly we were coping with things then we found lot she was pregnant and me being out off a job we were in no way ready. Well she starts eventually pressing for a break after finding out and I was not allowing it because nothing good ever comes out of it but I eventually gave in and just let her be. We would talk here and there but them we just stopped talking for a couple of weeks( my emotions were too overwhelming for her) but I had noticed she had reconnected with someone. And at the time I was out of town but I still brought it to her attention needless to say she denied anything happening between them. When I got back in town we decided maybe it's time to give it a go. So I decided to ask again but still got the same answer so I decided to leave it alone for the time being. Well I eventually found out the truth and I was crushed. I probably should've just left her at that point but after investing so much time into someone it's hard to just let them go. It seems like she probably has been with someone else while talking to you as well from the way you described how she was acting at the event. I know it'll be hard to but to be honest this is someone that you'll have to let go.

First time experiencing this

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Milo -This has been going on WAY too long for her not to know what she wants. So - draw the line in the sand and tell her that you and her have a serious commitment to at least TRY to be a couple, or you will be gone, since that's what you would like at this stage in your life (someone special who actually responds to you and gives back in the relationship) Are you strong enough to do this? Otherwise you are spending a lot of time trying to make something happen that just is not.

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