Setting boundaries when another person refuses mine
Hi, I have learned to set boundaries, having been brought up not to have any, and being married more than once to people with alcohol and/or drug problems. This week and last, I have just set a firm and researched boundary with "P" and she listens when I say "There are a lot of viewpoints on [the particular issue we're discussing] and we'll need to agree to disagree." In short, I have a boundary involving ethics in our music band, regarding making videos of us without asking our permission. P says, "Well, I don't care -- people take pictures and videos all the time, and it sure doesn't matter to me!" I say it DOES matter to me, and I tell her why. She insists that it's fine, and doesn't matter. (The issue came up when a friend of hers videotaped us without permission, and practice session when we were rough and were practicing, not performing. I objected, and P said it was okay for her friend not to delete her video. I insisted that her friend delete it because we sounded horrible, and the friend said she did delete. This week, P said her friend DIDN'T delete her video, but nobody would every see it anyway.) I'm a lifelong musician; P is not. I have decades of professional experience and expect to be put out in public by being videoed, when I'm ready, and/or performing if someone asks and receives permission. I've tried to explain my own point of view, my own needs, my own boundaries about this, to P. She says, "Deal with it." That is, she has no respect for my feelings or boundaries on this matter. How does a person who HAS and uses her own boundaries, deal with/work with someone like P who says to "go with the flow"? I'm really very p.o'd about this. I am the founder and chief organizer of the group. If I ask P to leave the group on this issue, other members of the group may feel I'm too rigid. I know that at least one other member of the band actually has personal boundaries for himself. He lets people (not the band members) in his life run all over him. He talks about it. I feel certain if I ask P to leave the band, it would break up the band. However, I posted my dilemma on a musicians' forum, and at least 10 people agree with me; a couple say I'm too rigid; the majority say how it's absolutely necessary to ask permission before filming, and it's rude beyond belief to film without permission. Most also say filming a practice session is off-limits. We are an amateur band. There are strictly enforced LAWS regarding these issues for professional bands.
Since it was P's friend who did the videotaping not P, it would be unfair to let her go because her friend didn't delete it.
Dis-banding the band over this would not get the video deleted. Letting her go over this may cause retaliation ie: posting the video on social media (not what you want). Your point of view is very valid.
So a lesson learned- As founder and Chief organizer make it clear to everyone that going forward practices will be closed. If for some reason you do allow guests to sit in, rule will be strictly enforced no videotaping. Since you're the experience professional of the group be flexible this time.
Dear skinnygirl, Thank you very much! You makes some excellent points. Actually, I am "not allowed" to be the chief decision maker in/for the group. In another group I also founded and was chief organizer, and only "worker bee" for the group, I put this issue forward, and it broke up the group. That one issue! Because one member of the group insisted on a "democratically" run group. So in this group, again, it isn't up to me. I'm trying to figure out a way to just be gone, or leave, if a visitor is there or someone emails that they will bring a visitor to practice. It gets shaky: because the group meets at the home of the banjo player. His sister sometimes sings with us -- rarely -- but her husband would be there if she comes to practice. They came to our either first or second practice ever, in 2014. Of courrse, if the practice is at my place (which it only is if there are only two of us practicing that day) I would never allow a visitor. Actually on the very day the guitar player brought her rude videotaping friend to practice, my boyfriend had also asked me if he could come and draw us. He's an artist. I told him,Not at practice -- come to the jam session and draw us then. I told that to the guitar player, and she thought I was being ridiculous. So, only because of the banjo player's family members' visiting once in a while, I'm still in a quandary. If the family does come, I might just leave early without saying why. I wonder if you have any other great ideas, skinnygirl? [the "click here" in the forum email to go to the thread did not connect.]