How can I get over him cheating
My husband and I have been together since the 6th grade. Recently he lost his job and I was the one who worked for 11 months by myself. He then started a new job that makes good money but was out of town. He was gone for 2 months, until he found a job closer to home (only 2 hours away)instead of 11 states away. I started noticing he didn't answer his phone, he was drinking until he was wasted, and always had the guys from work over. I started to feel alone because my kids were gone and I was at home wondering when he was going to call me back. I even started a hobby so I could keep myself busy. I went to go visit him and after a long drive I went to the bathroom and noticed there was a used condom in his garbage. (it was on top of a bear can and very noticeable) I asked him why and what and he said my room only gets cleaned once a week, its been there. I am not stupid to believe it so I left angry, hurt and feeling betrayed. It was a long drive back. After that our relation ship was talking once a day to see how the kids were and nothing more. When it did become a conversation, cheating was the topic. I started to check his phone records and noticed that there was a number over and over again so I called it to see if a male or female answered. It was a female. I asked her how she knew him and she said it was her boyfriend of 2 months and wanted to know how I knew him. I explained to her, I was his wife. She stated that he told her he wasn't married anymore because I was crazy. I asked her to tell me woman to woman what their relation ship was about. She told me how they talked about our children, how they have had sex several times before he left the state to come home get his belongings and start a new job (the 2 hours away from me one). She informed me that she was moving to his new job and stated their plan was to be together and they were in love. She then told me that they were going to have an open relationship and they could sleep with other people. By this time I was shaking and hurt, not sad but angry. She told then proceeded to tell me about the other woman she knew of because they had an open relationship and told each other about the affairs they were having. She then apologized and told me she would have never had a relation ship with him if she knew he was married. I told her I wasn't mad at her because she did not know about me, but now that she does she needs to stay away from him and our marriage. She agreed. I contacted my husband and he denied the affair. I was angry and told him I wanted a divorce and it was over and to never contact me again unless it was for the kids. He then quit his job and came home. He was crying and upset and told me it was a lie and he wanted to fix his marriage. I cried, he cried but I have never felt this kind of pain. I cant sleep, I cant eat, and when I do fall asleep I sleep for hours upon hours. I don't want to tell my family until an agreement between us is mutual. I then was contacted by another female who stated my husband had a one night sand with her and he was a pig and they did not use condoms. My emotions then went crazy, I have never felt so much hate and resentment towards a person. I am unable to have more children and we have had unprotected sex before these woman have come forward. So now that I know this, I feel so ashamed and hurtful. I then blocked both women from contacting me and him so I can let my mind rest, because within 48 hours this all took a toll on me. After a settled down, I felt myself feeling depressed and ashamed of myself and my body. I am slightly bigger then I was but I still have the same heart. I didn't understand how I gave up so much of my life for him, I took custody of his family members, I supported him when he didn't work. I felt used. He came back to the house and refused to leave until I heard his side of the story and not the females that were contacting me. He told me he had slept with the first girl twice and they still talk because he considers her a friend. I disagree but tears fell from my eyes. He stated he did not have sex with the other girl and that he came close but she was only 20 years old (17 years younger then him and a few years older than our daughter. He stated he called her a cab and told her she was too young and she became angry and said she would pay him back. I guess being a younger girl she checked social media and there we were. She then contacted me and told me what they did (her version). I am so completely upset and don't know what to believe or think. My kids know because they heard us arguing and we thought they were asleep. They are upset as any kids would be. My husband on the other hand said he was sorry, has been helping around the house, has been sober. He went to get checked for any STD at my request but it is so hard to try and be intimate with him. Every time he touches me I cringe and a few times I have cried. I keep thinking about him being with the other woman and wonder why, what did I do, is it because I gained weight, is it because he needed someone's affection why he was out of town. WHY? that's all I keep asking. I told him I forgive him, but it is really hard to forget. He is now getting frustrated with me because its so hard. He will be leaving after the holidays to go back to work out of town and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. But he has to go to help support our family. This is eating me up inside and Im doing the best I can to try and be strong in front of the kids and family and at work. But it is making me go into a depression. I tried to go to a counselor but my insurance doesn't cover it and I don't have the money to pay out of pocket. But I cry when Im alone, I get angry quicker then normal and I really want us to get past this and be a family again. I want his touch but at the same time despise it. I am lost. Can anyone give me insight on what to do, or ways to get past it. He is the ONLY man I have ever been with and I am crazy in love with him. He makes me laugh and we have fun as a family together. This has ruined me. And I don't like being angry and hurt. But this is the worst pain I have ever felt.
why ? yes - why ? can he tell you EXACTLY WHY he did all this : from the drinking to going with other women ? he was having a real and complete relationship with one woman and the other one - even if he says it only "came close" - fact is he was prepared and willing to do it - I call that plain 100% betrayal and you have nothing to do with that : don't go now and wonder it is maybe because you're too fat or too old or too .. whatever : you deserve honest love - period - no need to feel ashamed the least bit - the fact that he came back crying and all with promises to make it all good again : I wouldn't take it - breaking trust is breaking trust : now he has to do 200% work to get back 10% of your trust and only facts and concrete action will do - no words - easy to go and butter up the situation with words
the fact that he's leaving out of town after the holidays for work - would make me want you to clear EVERYTHING up now - before he goes - your kids are apparently no longer children : they can know what is going on - let them know and have an opinion
I understand you would want everything to be as it was before but that was before : you only have NOW to deal with if you want to built a future : be a total realist - don't toss around memories and sweet souvenirs - I know it's enticing but it's not the reality now and you don't want him to play you on what was between you in the past but rather deal with is in front of both of you now
please don't feel ashamed, in pain or angry : you have no reason to be ashamed of yourself : he's responsible for what has happened - in pain : don't - it is hurting you and not doing anything for the relation - angry : I understand but once again - it is spoiling YOUR mood and waisting/draining/depleting YOUR energetic/emotional ressources - be cold headed in this situation and ask for what you want - loud and clear - there's a deal to be made now and no time to waste - put yourself and the kids first
Unless HE SHOWS YOU BY HIS actions that he was worthy of your forgiveness be smart. What does he plan to DO to show you that he is committed to your marriage? Remember he was going to set up house with this woman and live as if he was a divorced man (wife who? what kids?). Don't allow your emotions to control how you proceed forward to protect your children and family security. Forgiveness does not equal TRUST. Trust is Earned.
I would seek legal advice as a precaution to get a clear understanding of how a divorce would effect you and the kids. If he had money to spend on these woman he can pony up money to get you some counseling to help you with your pain/hurt. Like TDOS said put yourself and kids first. Tell him that his behavior has consequences and yes he will pay for counseling for you and anything else you need.
Working 2 hours away should no longer be an excuse not to come home more often.Maybe you make the trip to visit and spend more time with him.
He said he is willing to look for work near home, it will hurt us financially but he wants to work things out and he said he would give up everything else if it means I will forgive him. Problem is I already forgave him but I can NOT forget. Every time he comes close to me, I think of him and her. We have even since tried being intimate and FAILED. He couldn't perform and it made me cry, because all I think of is.... HE COULD PERFORM FOR HER. So we are kind of like roommates until after the new year and then if he cant find work he is going back to work but I know it wont work if he does but I refuse to ask him to stay. I want him to decide what's more important to him. I cry when I'm alone I just want this to go away. I want to know how to get over it. I know leaving him is the best thing to do. But I want to try and make it work if it doesn't then fine but I can say I tried. But I need to know how to not think of him cheating every time he comes close to me.