Background: I am having trouble forgiving my boyfriend. We have been dating a year and a few months. He used to go to therapy regularly, way before he met me. His uncle raped his younger siblings when they were growing up and although nothing happened to him, his family had a lot of trauma. He also has high functioning ASD, which you wouldn't know unless he told you. He was going to therapy for family, work and school, and other issues explained previously. His parents used to go to some of his therapy sessions which I find so weird seeing that he is 22 years old.
Problem: We were having some issues and he told me that I was emotionally abusing him. I said I that I did not realize that, and I was never trying to do that. I asked him where he got that idea from and he said his therapist. He had his parents in a therapy session WITH him and he was talking about ME behind my back. This happened a little less than a year ago, and he says that he never did it again but I am so deeply hurt and I feel so violated.
I asked him if I could go to a session with him and he said he did not want me there, which hurt even more that he wanted his parents and not me. Finally he asked his therapist if I could come and she said no. Yet she had the nerve to cross boundaries by talking about me in a session with him and his parents. That is NOT professional.
He finally stopped going to her, and we are going to go to couples therapy. I am still so hurt that he did not want to allow me in that part of his live yet he would allow his mother and abusive father. I keep thinking about the day they talked about me in therapy and about how wrong it was. His family and him have both apologized, but I cannot get over the idea that a "professional" would allow for such discussion. It hurts me that he puts so much trust in such a person.
His therapist also never reported the child abuse or the living conditions of the house (his parents are animals hoarders).
I cannot find a way to forgive my boyfriend.
This is a touchy subject. Counseling is a private session between a professional and their patient to talk about the patient's life. I can't speak for every therapist, counselor, psychologist, social worker, etc, however, I don't think you were told the whole story.
The first few sessions talk about the family and problems in general. As weeks progress, it's how the person is feeling week to week and often includes therapies such as ABC modeling (journaling to figure out triggers) or learning deep breathing exercises, the like. The mental health professional doesn't often prompt the patient to speak about specific people or events. At most they ask them questions like "How was this week compared to last?", or "I remember last time you were feeling ___ how has that been?". It's only when someone becomes very flustered or upset that they step in and ask specific questions: "So when she says that it makes you feel bullied?"
All the doctor is doing at that point is trying to understand WHAT the patient is trying to get at by saying what they said. They are trying to help them make sense of their feelings, which is what those professionals are suppose to do.
Now, you feel hurt because your boyfriend brought this up to you and then you couldn't go to the sessions on not just his saying no, but also the therapist. My guess is the therapist wanted you there, but since your boyfriend is of legal consent, if he says no to begin with, it's no from her too.
I really wouldn't take this as going behind your back. It's healthy for him to do this. A mental health professional wouldn't say something like this without pretty substantial evidence.
You mention you're now going to couples therapy, which is better than not letting him go whatsoever, but does he feel free enough to say whatever he needs to? That's why individual counseling is also part of medical treatment, especially in cases such as his.
Molestation cannot be reported after 4-6 years time depending on where you live. I don't know about the animal hoarding part, but I do know it is much harder to get something to be done for.
I feel that if him and his parents apologizing, him giving up his therapist to go to couples therapy with you after not even two years of dating, and this being almost a year ago isn't enough for you to forgive him... well then you're probably not going to forgive him. In that case, this relationship isn't going to work, because there will be much bigger things than this you will have to face together and learn to get over.