Is it right to marry someone if you feel they don't love you???

Posted by
MIKIE
on Nov 9 2010 at 12:04
Member since: 09 November 2010
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Hi, first off my problem seem extremely trivial to some I have read this morning, sorry if they do. Basically my problem is that I am due to get married next year to someone I fell in love with the moment I met, i know everyoen says that but that is just the way i feel. She make me a better person as i trive to be one because of i want to be the best i can be for her/us. Problem is that I think she is only marrying me as her family have fallen in love with me the way mine have with her. She lost her mother a couple of years before I met her and was also badly hurt around the same time in her relationship. Since then she has told me that she will never be hurt like that again and is just waiting for me to do the "same as all the others" (aka cheated or left). I haven't even dreamed of either. we have been fighting every weekend recently (yes always with a few drinks) as she never talks to me unless she has a few drinks. Honestly I maybe am "too nice" (her words) if there is such a think but that is just because I feel that is the way she should be treated, but this has become an excuse to start a "row" on her side when she has a few drinks. She constantly says that I could do so much better than her yet she acts as if she is the one settling (just to note we are just a normal people noting special simple middle class families) for the first time I am having serious doubts after a row at the weekend that was fairly public and worst of all her family witnessed it (personally I think that wasn’t such as bad thing as they treat her with kid cloves and they needed to see the way she can act). She absolutely smashed me as a person when we were walking home and threw everything back in my face I had ever done for her, I am the first to admit I wasn’t exactly a nice guy but only when everyone else had gone, as it all started as we (her family) we going home after a 4 drinks with a couple the night after their wedding, she just lost it. She tends to get the “fear” around weddings. I just don't know I just feel like this is not the way it was meant to be we are getting married in early 2011 and for the first time since we met I actually don’t want to talk/see to her at the moment , I could write a book about it but honestly. At present I am just so hurt by things that have been said and probably by what hasn't been said doesn't help as I get even more worried then. I'm constantly the one who says I’m not worried about getting married and she is constantly saying “I’m not sure but of course I want to marry you, everyone loves you". am I just kidding myself or should I just walk away. it is crushing me knowing she does not feel the same way I do. Another factor might be due to work we live on different sides of the country.

Any help would be great. Should we go to counselling together or not? We've been together over 3 years now and the same excuses are being made now as were made 2 years ago.

Or

Should we just call it a day and move on with our lives.

Cheers,

Reply from
ELOISE
on Nov 9 2010 at 18:19
Member since: 09 November 2010
Hi,

First of all, I don't think there is any such thing as a 'trivial' problem if you care enough about it to write on a forum and it is really getting to you.

Regarding that, I can only give you my opinion and I can't tell you how to live your life, but I really think that you should not get married until you resolve the main issue, which is, I think, communication.

I believe you need to get over to her your main concerns when you are both in a position to rationally discuss them. I think she will definitely be aware that you are getting troubled over this and perhaps that may even be why she is starting to get more frustrated of late.

She could well really love you but, as you say, may have her own insecurities coming from previous relationships which are unfairly affecting your relationship with her.

I also think that, while it is important to be very understanding and supportive of her, you need to make sure that she is trying to do the same to you (and telling you things like 'I'm just waiting for you to do the same as all the others' does not). I think, from a little experience, that the best way to do this is to very clearly communicate your concerns with her, particularly regarding they way you think she feels about you and how this is making you feel without any reverting to bygone arguments. (Better to know first hand than to second-guess what someone's thinking - it may be that you are jumping to the worst case scenario.) Also, I think as much as possible, if you are moving on from this as a couple then a bad memory really helps - fresh start.

Finally, I know this is rather a long-winded reply and I don't know if any of it is remotely helpful so please feel free to ignore it all. Just my opinions... :)

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?