Monster-in-law and co-dependent husband
I have been married for 20 years and have tolerated my mother-in-law and my husband, but tonight I am wits end. I am a successful business-woman with an advanced degree, my husband is retired with very little income. I support our family and have purchased my monster in law a home that is nearby. My husband is there everyday. She lives very comfortably thanks to my kindness and generosity (and so does my husband - I have always been the bread winner). I have been nothing but kind to her, despite many frustrations that I have. She has lived the role of victim in a verbally abusive marriage for 52 year, until my father in law passed 3 years ago. She cannot survive without a villain her in her life and since her husband has passed, I am that villain. Spending everyday criticizing me and even making up stories-- for example if I leave a message that my husband has to leave "right now" to make an important appointment, this becomes a story that I called and demanded and belittled...which is not and never has been part of my personality. My husband will go along with anything she says, and will not and never has said, hey that is my wife, that is not appropriate... but rather jumps right on the band wagon and agrees and ags on the story (the kids have told). We have three children, the two oldest 19 and 20 years have told grandma that this behavior is not okay and have told their dad the same. They see grandma on holidays and special occasions because they have stood up and said they will not be a part of it. Our 12 year old tells me of the things said, but he says nothing to the offenders. he property purchased by me for my mother-in-law is privately-gated; but, I have no access to a key. I am never invited over. I am vacation until the first of the year, sitting at home on Christmas Eve making plans to take our 12 year old to the movies, my husband arrives unannounced and unplanned to pick up my son to 'have dinner' (really open Christmas gifts and dinner)at grandma's -- she usually does do a Christmas Eve event -- which I was told was not happening this year. So my husband and son are invited, the older children are at work, and I am knowingly not invited and left to sit at home. I have spent over $1000 on gifts for my mother in law to open at our house in the morning. There is no reason, except to be mean. I do not care that I am not receiving a gift, I have always been about giving, not receiving. I am upset at the blantant "this in MY family" " I have control" in my face actions. It is a passive aggressive attempt to create drama, that I have no intention of indulging. I am going to a movie by myself and plan to say nothing. Am I wrong to not react this? I am plenty upset, but a reaction is what she wants... so she and my husband have something bad to say bout me next week..it would go something like how it was just a mistake, she thought I was out of town, how dare I suggest....
I am sitting here on Christmas Eve thinking how great it is that I am not around my older sister anymore, who is in the next town 75 miles away and can't get to. I have thought in the past few weeks how great it is that my mother died of old age 15 years ago, who used to cause me grief like your mother in law; how great it is that my brother lives 150 miles away and can't bother me anymore for I cut ties with him 10 years ago. How great it is that my wife died of a long illness 6 years and 17 days ago.
To fill that void, 4 of my neighbors have joined forces to attack me, because I am a senior citizen living by myself. So while my life should be a lot better, it's not in a lot of ways. So, I guess the point is, it never gets better.
I try to analyze these little suckers, and it brings me some relief, to realize they're sick and to help figure out what to react to them.
My mother, I figured out, was sexually abused by her father as a small child, and that's why she was messed up, borderline personality syndrome. My sister and brother, I have come to believe in the past year, was sexually abused by my mother, which makes sense since she was abused. I had a touch of that myself from my mother, which gives me insight into what was going on. So my sister and brother are probably borderline personality syndrome, also.
Also, my wife was sexually abused as a child, and she was borderline, also. All of them gave me heck every second that they could. Your mother in law might have something like that. Look up borderline personality syndrome on the net and read what it says, and see if she falls into that category. Borderlines what to control as much as possible, because when they were kids, they had no control, and they got in big trouble.
That may be why she wants to control so much. They are also threatened by other females, so you qualify, and she has to do you in and not let her son choose you over her. My mother was like that, also, and would try to control me and win over my wife. As much info as I have now, and had some back then, I couldn't stand up to my mother very well, either.
She would call and say, "I'm coming over in 5 mintutes" what was I going to say, "Mom, Mom, I hate you!!!! Don't come over here!!!!" I'm supposed to scream that into the phone? Before that, she would just drive up in our back driveway, unannounced.
So just like you're having a hard time dealing with her, your husband is, too. Do you think your mother in law was sexually abused. Look that up also, in addition to borderline, which is often caused by sex abuse, and see if your mother in law has signs of that.
But I never bought my mother a house. I just had to say that. My main concern is, why did you do that?
I was pretty much like you when I caught my wife cheating, and she came after me like gangbusters, cause she can't lose to a male after getting messed up by one when she was a child. Well, she terrorized the house when she got caught and I started giving her a hard time about that. She would buy off out then 13-year-old son by giving him money, so she and our son could team up against me.
I didn't know what to do either, I just pretty much stood there. So, I don't have a whole lot of answers. But I do have an idea of what your are going through. Oh, by the way, Merry Christmas.
What does your husband say about your not getting invited to your own house? Second, why would you want to go to her house?
I am spending this christmas alone although my husband and my in laws are living under the same roof but none of them talks to me.I am the only one working in the house as my husband refuse to work and my in laws are pensioners but I am perceived to be the weird one in the family.
I met my husband 25 years ago in Malaysia (my birth country) where we were just pen pals for 5 years. I have a degree in accounting and my husband have no qualifications as such. When I told my parents that I am in love with a westerner who is 4 years younger and with no high education, it was a big NO NO.They said he will not be able to take care or provide for you (IF ONLY I LISTENED TO MY PARENTS THEN) & not be blinded by love and emotion and the ability to judge what is right & wrong.
So,I ran away from my home to be with this man whom I thought will make me happy and lost contact with my family for about 5 years.The minute I landed in the UK I knew that I have made a mistake but I had no other choice but to carry on with my decision to be with him.
He was 21 but still living with his mum and dad (he is an only child) and we all lived in the same house for about a year until we moved out. I had 5 weeks break in the UK and then I got myself a job as an account assistant and I have always worked.My husband in the meantime was in and out of a job because there will always be something wrong in whatever job that he does.
I thought he is only 21 and he will get pass this and will get a responsible job soon and we both can share paying the bills.All this time his mum & dad were OK to me but deep down I knew that they don't actually like me as I am a stranger that walked into their lifes all of a sudden.
My father in law is an alcoholic,chain smoker 40 cigarates a day & been in and out of mental hospital and now he has alzeimer. My mother in law drinks a bottle of wine and a glass of gin before she goes to bed.Is this normal????????????
All this were so strange to me as I don't even drink coffee or smoke or drink alcohol.My husband drinks and smokes but not as much as his father or mother.My husband were different when he was in Malaysia. He was happier, i suppose everyone is happy when they are on holiday.
So, the in laws lived in their house & we lived in ours. The problem started when my father in law retired (15 years ago and blew all their saving on alcohol and managed to make their house smaller due to depression?????) and started to visit our house daily when I am at work and when my husband is unemployed and he brings alcohol into our house and tempting my husband to drink. So when I come back from work my husband will be lying on the sofas and done nothing throughout the day.I get angry, we argue and I will complaint to his mum but she does nothing.
I am angry that I have to pay all the bills and I cannot afford to go and visit my family in Malaysia as often as I like to.
In the last 20 years together with my husband, I have been back to see my family 6 times and one of it was for my mothers funeral.There was big drama for that as my husband was lying drunk on the living room as I was about to go to the airport. Even the taxi driver pitied me and charged me a reduced fare. When my husband is drunk he is abusive & he has even punched me till my nose was bleeding.
20 years on not much have changed but me getting older and not having much money saved at all because I had to work for 2 people.I always hope for the best but 20 years on I am getting very tired.So now I told him that I am not going to support him anymore and now I am a nasty person.
A couple who have been married for 20 years without any children should be well off financially right?????? but not us.
For the past 9 months me, my husband and my in laws are living together because that is the most economical thing to do.
I am miserable, my husband is miserable but his parents are very happy indeed.They get to see their son daily in their older days.Honestly I feel like I have been married to 3 people (my husband & his parents). They have always been on the scene.Its like to enjoy watching us argue. I call them the soul snatchers!!!
Why am i still with this man after 20 years.He has never made me happy. he does not take out for dinner because he cant afford it. It's always me paying for everything.When at work I have to be the quiet one when my colleagues talks about their husbands or what they are doing this weekend or where they are going for holidays.
Honestly,I feel like I have wasted my whole life for a man whom I thought will make me happy but the opposite happened.I have wasted the best part of my life 25 years old to now 45 years struggling to keep up paying the bills on my own.I don't know what if fells to be given a bouquet of flowers because I don't get one at all, ever in this 20 years.Why am i still with him???????
I have been loyal and patience but now I am finally saying I can't support you anymore and he is saying that I am nasty and a freeloader because we are living together with his mum & dad.I stop cooking & washing for him.
He is living in the living room downstairs drinking all day and chatting to someone all night. Well, he doesn't work so he does not have to wake up early morning to go to work.His dad plays the radio &TV all night. His dad is taking 25 tablets a day!!!! His mum is now cooking for him and none of them talks to me now.
I am the black sheep in the house.
The only other person that knows about this is my sister in Malaysia and I have not told anyone anything all this years.I always say that my husband is working when someone ask.
I MADE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE MY FAMILY FOR HIM SO I HAVE TO TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITIES but after 20 years i cant do it anymore.