My husband is boring
I'm bored with my husband we have like 8 years together. 3 children and only married for 1 year. I feel like we are not compatible. Its like in the beginning it was fun, like he did alot to impress me and now its like boring. Like we don't got nothing in commom and he just isn't ambitious enough. However, he is the type of man many women looks for..cook, clean, at every kids event, family outings etc. But when it comes to him being there for me its like a piece if blank paper. Nothing! . I love him but i am not in love..its so much to say right now
I'd like to ask some questions if you don't mind.
Of the 8 plus years you two were together, when did your man stop being fun, did alot to impress you, etc.
By your definition, how are you and your man not compatible/ what would make you compatible?
Can your man hold a job, does your man cheat on you, is your man abusive in anyway (physical, emotional), does he take care of the children and do what's expected of him as a father?........you outlined that he is the type of nan that women look for but I wanted to ask these questions specifically.
First let me say i am 29 and he is 30. Our oldest child is not his. He adopted her since she was 1 year of age. Which was very kind of him and he loves her. When i was pregnant with our second years after(all the kids are 4 years apart). He felt like this is my first born i have nothing to offer and just felt like he needed to work more. He has always had a permanent job but not full time. So i am the bread winner. Never an issue to me.
What i meant hy compatible was the only thing we had in common was smoking weed in the beginning(are decent people so i would appreciate if we don't get judge by that) always high and having the fun he liked. I would always give him his way to make happy and be the woman he needs. But after two years i stopped(that's anotherstory).
He is very loyal, doesn't go out with friends, probably once or two times a year. He never raised a finger at me. He doesn't call me names. He does everything with the kids. Parents are admired by him. He cooks, cleans, wash you nane it anything i can do as a female ge does. But, he is not a handy man. So once he did everything I can do. The yard, our walls and what ever needs a hammer, drill ir screw is not getting fixed. ( another story)
I don't expect much from him as a father because he does one hell of a job. I just expect he would be a more supporting husband. Im on my way to getting my masters degree and he only has a community college degree that was his choice( another story).
I think it also changed once i decided its time to grow up and get focus. Meaning stop smoking, save that money and focus else where. Lets be more responsible. And i never use to say anything in the beginning of our relationship. I just always do it his way. N that stopped after 3 years. It felt once sided.
First and foremost....I'm not any kind of professional so any advice I give is only based on my experience and my enterpretation. Smoking weed: I'm 34 and know weed well. I don't pass judgment on those that smoke but all I will say is I myself am better off without it. However, weed is a bit unconventional in my eyes as a foundation for "together forever". One option is to revert back to what worked in the beginning. Light em if ya got em and proceed to give him anything he asks via being the women he needs. (That's solution 1) based on what you've said, your relationship was based around substance, accommodation, and living for the minute. (Some would argue that if this isn't enough for you, then the problem is yours for wanting more, but we both know that's not the issue.)
In the beginning, was that life style your choice or were you simply enjoying his company and adopted that life style temporarily (you thought) as a full time thing because "I love him and this makes him happy and making him happy makes me happy"? If the answer is the latter then you might understand surprise and conflict from your man. He may have said something along the lines of " why did you change? Things were great the way they were..." But you DID mention that being high was all you had in common in the beggining.
You must start somewhere I suppose but my gut feeling is that you saying that you were compatible because you enjoyed smoking substance together and therefore had foundation for a long-term relationship holds about as much validity as saying your compatible because you both know how to drive a car. I'm certain that more came later that you had in common but my point is that the relationship was successful as it was. You can't be surprised if the relationship changed as you started to want more from it.
Regarding the questions I asked: Is he abusive, can he hold a job, etc. Some would say that if a person successfully holds a job, is a good father, doesn't cheat on you, and is not abusive......then you just need to go home and make your marriage work. This means that people aren't perfect but people that try are perfect for a long term relationship.
I agree about 75/25% with that only because I personally knew someone who's spouse was such but had zero emotional connection between the two. One spouse believed their only job was as a provider and money,security,and a good role model for children was all that was required of them. Meanwhile, the wife in the marriage lived within herself as a lonely depressed person. IE, All you need is love / you will always want what you don't have.....name your cliche.
You have your masters while he "settles" for a community college degree. Sounds like you want someone who shares your ambition for growth and accomplishment.....and if he is not doing that then you wished he was more supportive of your pursuit of happiness in the ways that you value happiness.
Did you ever consider that your man might be as "happy as a clam"? I have a friend that came from a tin can and, though she doesn't currently live in a tin can, she absolutely could live in a tin can and still be happy. Something is to be said about that kind of person. They are happy with life as it sits and see no need to improve on what they already find satisfying. You mentioned he barely goes out with friends. That is a big, common complaint of many spouses that the other finds as many reasons as possible to not be home. Why is that? Well, everyone's reason is their own but the typical answer is that they aren't happy at home, with the spouse, with the kids, with the life they have. But.....one must admit that someone's definition of satisfaction is another's definition of being un-ambitious.
Not a handy man? Well.....either you are or you aren't. Learn to do without or learn to do it yourself. You already know you can't make someone be something they are not.
All this is not to say that your guy is what he is and therefore will be nothing else. You found reason to expect more out of life before he did. Then again, what you see can also be what your going to get.
I've heard that who your spouse is in the first few years is who you can expect them to be for the duration of the marriage.
I've heard that you need to sit down and decide exactly what you want in a life long partner but not to worry too much about finding this person because the next time you fall in love... You will throw your list out the window forgetting everything you were trying to obtain and avoid. One thing about it though, it does take two. There is only so much you can do on your own to change, grow, or better the marriage. Stay away from the blame game but everyone does need to be accountable for playing their part in how things unfolded to this point in time.
To be honest, I wasn't sure what you were saying about how you had your first child and you had nothing to offer so he thought he should work more.
It sounds like you want out of the relationship.
Ask yourself this question:
Are the things you don't like about your husband and marriage worth getting rid of it all?
Many spouses have said: "if only they were a better parent, if only they didn't go out so much, if only they would help more around the house".
I understand when you say you wish he was more supportive. I feel that one personally. What would being supportive look like to you?
I sort of touched on this already regarding you found a reason to change before he did. You are not unreasonable at all for wanting more out of life and taking the steps to make it so. I do feel that part of your difficulty is you let the tone be set in the beginning. Had you began life with this guy building a structured future instead of enjoying the moment, 2 things could have happened. He would have followed your lead and you would be growing and accomplishing a brighter more substantial future together.......or........one or both of you would have decided early on " oh hell no! This person is not for me."
I'm not knocking you for the way your relationship began but you need to understand that your relationship was built on that lifestyle and the values it contains. It's hard to put all the blame entirely on your husband because he isn't ready to leave that life style yet.....and he may never. He may be content as it sits.
What do you think?
Thanks for taking your time in trying to understand where i am coming from. You know a lot what you've said is pretty much accurate.
I can admit i am also at fault. My past hasn't really gotten out of my system. I have a certain image of how my life should be and who ever is in it have to do it my way. Which is pretty selfish to think. But only because i feel like i am always doing and supporting what ever makes the other person happy and put my self on pause.and when its my time to stand out, i feel left alone.
When i met him it was for him finally being with a girl i though i would never have. So he did a lot to impress me and once we both got comfortable it started to get bored cause we serious in the relationship.
Im vert out going love challenges and spontaneous, he is very quiet and lay back. I knew it from the beginning but i figured i can change this man and use him to create my ideal man. WRONG!
In my past relationship i wasn't being treated the way i should. Id never go back. I can admit if my husband could pick every star in the sky for me he would. He loves me more tban i love him.
And thats because of a broken heart by someone i really loved bad. And i feel like i haven't got over it. So i forcing my husband to be like my ex but keep the way he is because he is a good man n doesn't complain.
I did things he would never do. Like i started talking to abother ex and it felt so good. This guy thinks like me always got that hustle mentality. But i wished it was my husband i was talking to. He found out and was very upset with me. I wanted to explain to my husband this kind of conversations turns me on. But then again lets look back on the type of men i dated. Pfff my husband is a king to tell you the truth. He is a very descent guy and im blessed.
But i want more i want that deep romance. I want that fantasy, i want to be swept of my feet. I want him to be focused on me. I want to much i guess.
What do you think of this?
From ur repky wat i guessed is that he is not a bad man at all.he may b lazy/inactive/content but he loves u is loyal and that is wats most imp for a wife.. U can tell him that u want some more romance in relatnship u can hint him for some more *naughtines* :-) ,as a woman u r a beautiful creation of God to attract your man, try it and u will c wonders :-)
I wouldn't say its so much selfish of you as I would that everybody has a perfect picture of what they think their marriage should be.
I know how it feels to be supportive 100 times over but then the moment I need help then I'm on my own.its a pretty common thing. I have noticed in life that the more you do for someone, the more they will let you. A person has to WANT to be supportive for someone else. You can't force someone to be there for you. You might can teach someone but, again, that's only if they want to learn. Mutual support and equality fall under the "it takes two" catagory.
Every REAL relationship has hot and cold spots. If it didn't, the relationship is either fake or temporary.
Some things you like about the guy, some you don't. Can you tolerate the bad because the good is worth it? Is he willing to do his part in order to make the relationship stronger? It's going to take compromise. He may feel a little tricked because you are no longer sharing the same view of life that you once were. He may have a laundry list of things he doesn't like about you.
He may love and appreciate you as you are and what you've become and wouldn't change anything about you.
I understand what you want by making your ex and your husband the same person or "the perfect guy". I myself and a female friend of mine have both admitted at one point or another that it would be perfection if our spouses would merge with our personalities because we love our spouses but find " missing pieces" to our marriages that reside within both of us.
So I'm saying I get it and its not uncommon.....but it is un-realistic. In the ways we know of, my friend an I are the closest thing to a mirror we have ever seen and that concept alone is worth being excited about....especially if your the type of person that always thought that you were a mistake of nature because your so different from everyone you have ever gotten to know.....
I also hear you on the kind of conversations you prefer. Those things DO matter but one has to believe that where your man falls short isn't his fault. His strengths are his own and it would stand to prove that he has qualities that the X doesn't have. It's easy and natural to see the glass half empty.
You basically want what everyone wants....to be content. If your current man was all you have said you want him to be already, you might be surprised to find some other way he is lacking. That's just how it goes. The secret is finding happiness and contentment with what you already have and who your husband already is.
Is there room for change and growth? There always is. You both have to want it though.
But if he's good to go with his lifestyle and doesn't share your views about progress....there's not much you can do except ask yourself can you do without what you want in order to keep what you have.
I don't think you want to much, I think that's just life for all of us.
No he is not a bad man. I just find him to be a lazy man. I mean i will do as you say try spice up romance, give him hints, but if I'm the only one putting all the effort. I'll just quit. I've done it for the last couple of years but it's exhausting when you are doing it all.
I do have this picture of life that comes close to perfection. I believe if we have a shared vision. We can have a healthy marriage.
And your right he has a list of things he doesn't like about me. But, i told him from the beginning who i am and what he can expect from me so it dont come as a surprise. Like he wants me to clean more. My husband does 80% of the cleaning. I explained him as being the oldest of 5 kids my mom always had me doing everything being responsible for everything my siblings did. So i got tired of cleaning and then she hired a maid for 10 years. So we didn't need to do that.
A next thing about the handy man situation. If anyone put there mind to it we can always do the impossible. I grew up doing all the man work in house cause my mom was a single parent. So basically i can do whatever once i try. But my husband he going see a situation and be like i dont know how to do it. So i can't. N it makes me angry cause he didn't even try.
And the first 2 years of our relationship he did not show it. So i always tell him he pretended to be someone he isn't and a few years later he can't keep up and that hurt because i would have left.
These conversations really helps me out. I starting to understand the things i was avoiding to hear. I think i should just continue to finish my goals and see where it goes from there....hmmm
(Nice one, Flynn!)
So he's NOT largely perfect, then, is he. He tries to compensate for the fact he's not putting enough into bringing home the bacon and repairing and maintaining the outside of the nest by doing things he finds easy and convenient (and which don't need replicating). That puts him into indispensable yet dissatisfactory territory. And then, separate from that, he loves being part of a family and shows it.
"I knew it from the beginning but i figured i can change this man and use him to create my ideal man. WRONG!"
Yup, wrong. But what's so hard about sitting him down and telling him outright that although the help he CHOOSES to give you he executes well, you need him to make an effort to be more conventionally manly in order to cover those areas you, as a female, can't? I mean, one point of a marital team, aside from producing offspring, is that he can do A to M while she can do N to Z - all areas covered.
Put it this way: you're an employer who advertised for a secretary-administrator. He's a fast, accurate typist, yes. But he refuses to do the crucial filing and stationary ordering and instead makes you superb cups of coffee like you've never before tasted and is well-liked by you and the other office personnel, and otherwise reliable.
What would an employer do in that scenario, do you think?
PS: Don't ever even take ONE step on the cheating path. It's nothing but the scenic route to self-harm-ville and, as opposed to being a solution, becomes a second, larger problem on top of the first.