I have known my bestfriend for 20 years been through ups and downs. She has always been there for me and we consider each other to be sisters. I dont have any siblings so she is a important person in my life.
My husband and my friend always got along until something happen. Me and my husband were going through a rough patch in our marriage and on the verge of divorce. My bestfriend was so upset as he was treating me badly anyway my husband saw some text exchange between me and my friend about him. Obviously they were not good texts. My friend tried her hardest to make up with him but he ignored her and thought she was a bitch for saying those things. I understand where he is coming from but she was just sticking up for me as he was being very nasty to me. She was being my friend. So ever since that time he has never moved forward and always wanted me to choosw which i never did. Why should i have to choose when i got my friend in that situation and she was there for me. I wouldnt be saying such bad things if he didnt do them... anyway 3 years later still not over it. Im still friends with her but i can never talk about her, have her at my house etc. Pretty much he gets the shits when i see her and saying you choose her over our marriage. He wants me to cut her off but i feel like thats not fair??? I think i will end up hating him and feel resentment that he took the most important friend i ever had away from me. Why cant he move on and forgive that people make mistakes. My husband holds grudges wheras i dont so i dont understand it. I know my familt and marriage is important but why would the person you love make you choose for there own fulfillment?? He thinks he is number 2 because i didnt cut her off. I guess i feel like its morally wrong what he is expecting me to do considering its 3 years ago. Any advice..current status is thinking of separting as he cant get over it. We have one child together
Two, if you read one of his test messages and scolded him, he would give you heck for reading his text message. When he reads your text message, that's OK, with him, that is.
Three, he's claiming moral superiority, even though he was the one who opened your mail box and read your letter.
Four, he was the cause of the problem to begin with because he was mistreating you.
Five, now he's mistreating your girlfriend for supporting you. Does he ever stop mistreating females? This seems to be a trend with him. This guy has a good system going. Give all females a hard time. Did his mother treat him such non-sense? Was he spoiled, taught that females are meant to serve males, or pay the price?
He sounds like a spoiled brat, and if you have any kids, it's just going to get worse.
Six, he's trying to isolate you so can't run and get any help when he mistreats you. He doesn't like being down two people to win, because you have the advantage. You should appreciate your girlfriends even more. Take her out for a meal.
He wants it to be just you and him, because as the physically stronger person, he wins over you. But when you have a good friend, like your friend, you win over him. He doesn't like that. Most spoiled kids don't.
I would keep your eye on this guy. Next, he'll be running over you (it sounds like he's already done that), and telling you to bug off if you don't like the way he mistreats you.
Again, I would keep my eye on this guy. He has no remorse for mistreating you, so that means he's planning on doing it again, but hopefully for him, without your friend taking your side. I would watch his behavior if he "catches" you talking to her again, and watch how he really comes after you for doing that.
He wants you to think you're the one being watched, when its actually him. If he keeps it up, you can push back and let him know the relationship is in danger if you keep trying to isolate me from my friends. Put him on notice, not you. Your friend is a jewel for sticking up for you.
Or, as they say, "Make new friends, but keep the old. Those are silver, these are gold."
I'm still not seeing the whole picture.
It's a possibility that what's going on in your husbands mind is about something else and maybe not as much about you and your friend as you think.
What is this "tough time" he went through?
Sometimes i think that he just stays with me for our child and he wants to see how life is like without me to see if he really loves me? Like grass is greener. We have been together for over 12 yrs and we are in our early thirties.
He does have a girl work friend at work which i believe there is more than friendship i mean not physically but emotional. I think within 6 months of us breaking up he would be with her. He always chooses me when it comes to everything. The girl is a single mom as well, pretty, successful and different to me. 100% she is in love with him. They have been friends for over 10 yrs. He could of not married me or had kids and be with her but i guess he chose me.
Sometimes i think he uses this friendship against me as im still friends with my friend. This friendship with the girl gets me heated
Do you think he uses my friend as an excuse?
but everything is awesme for 2 months and then he gets reminded by me seeing her and he becomes a prick blames me again.
Tough time meant depression. He wasnt in a good state emotionally and it affecting me.
I think its better to let it go as i dont want to be with someone who keeps saying if i leave you etc. I wan someone to be with me and not feel insecure in my relationship
on a side note, you still gotta dig deeper...whats the root of the depression? maybe you don't know. Depression can come from anything. I guess Ill start there.
Depression can take hold of someone and completely close them inward. For the longest time I dealt with it by using Alcohol. Before that, it was drugs. All it really did was NUMB things. Years later, I still carry the depression with me and it flares up now and again. I understand that its my problem and no one else's. That still doesn't stop me from, once in a while, unloading and blaming someone else. I don't mean to...but when Im at my worst, its almost like my will isn't mine. All that means is that I haven't learned a healthy way to deal with it yet. All I know how to do is follow the shortest path through it and that means going right through the middle. Sometimes, innocent bystanders get the blunt of it. As ar as what the root cause it...I'm not sure. There are many things that could have caused it but, on the inside, it feels like even though I'm in a crowded 12 X 12 room, in my head, I'm sitting alone in the middle of a warehouse with everyone around me pressing themselves as close to the outer walls as possible. This "alone" feeling causes so much unrest inside me and I feel isolated from everyone. If anyone tries to reach me, I meet them with aggression because I don't want them inside or even near me. At the same time, I desparately need someone to keep pushing to reach me but everyone that tries takes my reaction to them personally and backs away. I'm my own worst enemy that way and I don't know what Im able to do about it.
Its possible that things like you crying about something are "triggers" or painful memories that are brought back up in your husband. Its possible hes already emotionally charged before he even asks you whats wrong because hes trying to do his job as a spouse. Its also possible that hes using this event (you crying) as an opportunity to try and connect with you in order to open the doors to sharing and emotional connection. I know Im different in a lot of ways but it seems fact to most people that men have a harder time with their emotions because men are supposed to be the solid, strong warrior on the white horse. Most of the time, society have raised men to never quit, never cry, never show weakness, and never NEED anything emotionally. Most men believe this and struggle internally with there emotions because they sometimes just want the pain to stop but think they cant show it. This is not to justify his behavior toward you but a person has been known to lash out and hurt others in retaliation of there own hurt inside whether you're the cause of the pain or not.
This is all just food for thought. I have no idea if any is at all accurate but at least its something to think about.
The other women:
No idea why he married you instead of his friend. Try this on: He feels emotionally connected to his friend in ways he isn't with you. What ever difficulties he has in feeling connection with you are no issue with this friend of his and connection is easily established due to a number of possibilities. (some of these im just winging)
1. His friend doesn't have to connect with him but she does. Its totally voluntary where in marriage its kinda of a take it or leave it thing.
2. He can show weakness to this friend of his because he feels safe and comfortable in doing so but doesn't feel the weight of falling short of the whole knight on the white horse thing. All men want to be solid and strong for our wives. To some men, that's all we have. If its not the rock solid strength that defines us, then its, or in addition to, our performance in bed. Your #3 lumbar in your spine controls organ function and sexual sensation. Mine was out for a # of years before I saw a chiropractor for an unrelated issue and suddenly things started working again. But prior to that, I felt like an absolute failure as a man and a husband. I cant please my wife, I cant help make children, what good am I besides mowing the lawn? Some men can feel the same weight about showing weakness.
3. Its possible he feels like you are turning toward this friend of yours with your inner feelings instead of with him because once again, he needs help opening the door to emotional connection and he may feel threatened or replaced by your friend.
4. I don't doubt they were friends once. He may feel ganged up on. He may feel that your friend is only making things harder in you and your husbands emotional world and its natural to feel hate and contempt to those people feel are standing in the way...thus making him retreat to his friend to seek comfort and regain strength over his weakness.
5. He may cling to his friend all the more in order to cope with you having your friend. That means if he has a strong outside friendship, its easier to swallow you having one.
6. Hes trying to tell you how upset, frustrated, and afraid he is. If he really wanted to leave you, he would have done it by now and he wouldn't keep telling you that. Sounds like hes crying for help......hes just doing it in an absolute incorrect way.
7. He wants you to leave him. Hes unhappy for a number of reasons and he doesn't want to be the bad guy....but he does want the pain to stop.
Its really up to you in determining if whats going on is one of these issues. Maybe something I didn't even list, but like I said, food for thought.
It wasn't right for him to look at your private messages between you and your friend but the guy did and its really his fault if he was hurt by what he read. Don't let him hold that against you because he was the one that chose to investigate.
What are your thoughts?
I truly believe that he wont be happy with anyone as he isnt happy with himself. He plays with my emotioms alot. Im a very easygoing person happy go lucky whereas he is highly strung,moody and never seems to be truly happy
We spoke about separation and he blames that i chose her but i feel that i chose what is right. Its not to right to isolate me and not take responsibility for your action.
I do believe he leads his friend on, i feel he uses her for his ego or to have a backup plan.
Im trying to be strong and not let his comments affect me. He said i saw a place for rent etc. So trying to make it serious so i start crying. Usually i react
He told our child yesterday je doesnt love me anymore. He goes too far to try and get a reaction. He is getting confused as im not doing what i normally do beg and give anothee chance.
I do agree he has alot of issues for sure and i think any women wouldnt be able tp handle him. He wouldnt be able to ne fake for long. He is a very strong cannibis user as well..maybe that is to help him?? Im so confused im trying so hard to keep a strong face
If you're team-mates in Project Togetherforever then, like any good team-mates know, problems, in order to be conquered, have to be honestly, openly discussed and sorted together lest the project inevitably fail. If your team-mate refuses to do one of his main marital duties, or uses discussions purely as mechanisms through which to continue to be uncooperative or pull the wool, then TOUGH TITTY if his team-mate 'hires a temp' to cover for his absences. BER-BOM!
He caused it, he exacerbated it, he's continuing it. Up his bum.
Are there any of his friends YOU don't like? I'm sure there must be. Why don't you treat HIS friend like Beelzebub, see how HE'D like it. (Bet he wouldn't; funny, that.)
It's downright unreasonable to try to emotionally coerce and blackmail your spouse out of a lifelong friendship, particularly if all that friend did was help unearth the truth (when you wouldn't) rather than purely made things up and/or added fat to the fire, i.e. hasn't demonstrated she isn't acting in the interests of the relationship, long-term. You'd be justified for divorcing him on those grounds.
Up his bum.
Time to get firm. Tell him, the way to ensure you don't ever need to talk to people outside of your relationship is for him to do his duty in that respect. And duty includes telling the truth... or it's back to hiring the temp. His choice.
(Great, well thought out responses, guys! Just one thing, though: In actual fact, PJVL9, if a man has a bad attitude towards females then it would be down to his having 'soaked up' his father's bad attitude in-motion, day after day after year after decade, not his mother's.)
The thing is i havent told anything to my friend for 3 years. She has no idea what im going through. I just pretend to her everything is normal.
I go through hell to be friends with her. He will be good for awhile and then he will gey shits if i saw her or if he hears her name from my daughters mouth etc.
I just cant justify letting her go for being a good friend in my time of need.
Dont get me wrong i want to save my marriage but i think that me not talking to her is going to resolve the issues.
I think he feels threaten and probaly didnt want anyone to know how mean he can be. Obviously i was bitching for a reason..but he will never see my side. He eill just see that i made him look bad,i lost his trust and i choose to be friends with the enemy who spoke bad about him.
He thinks he is 2nd as i dont care about his feelings. This has fucked our marriage but i blame him for dragging it on.
At the moment im trying to call his bluff about separating over this as i know its my fault i didnt choose my marriage. Its all a mind games. Im choosing what is right and what heis expectibg is wrong. He feels like he is losing control as im not listenibg like usual
Maybe we are not suited as a couple anymore.
THE TRUTH HURTS- He's not anybody's victim. You're not choosing her over him, your choosing RIGHT from WRONG..Nothing trumps being right. This is not a marriage it's more like mental/verbal abuse using center. 3 years is long enough, you now get to get out of jail and pass go!!!.
Stand your ground- choosing to lose "a true-die- heart-in- your-corner-has your back-do-or- die-true friend over not a marriage but a controlling man who will never stop trying to make you give up what he knows you value. Exposing him for who he really is his core issue, he'll never own it.
If you get divorce you will no longer have to endure his mentally and emotionally abuse. TAKE NO BLAME!!
REALLY, if a man wishes to make his wife's girlfriend/quasi-sister redundant then the healthier thing to do is to OUT-SHINE her in all aspects of yours and her relationship, not try to trip or actually shoot the competition dead in the face. And that, in a way, is what I meant overall when I said how, if HE'S your best friend and confidant (like, actually, he should be) then you won't ever again need to hire 'the temp'and *can* keep all marital business to just you and he. So, yes, you're quite right, he seemingly is indeed a very negative (and lazy) thinker if he can't work that out for himself.
But I don't believe this gumph about him dallying with his colleage or any of his threats or details thereof regarding moving out, I think what he's (very emotionally stupidly) all along doing is trying to level the playing field. I think, through his not understanding female relationships, he now sees this 'sister' as having proven herself to be a never-ending potential threat to his one good thing and that as long as she's still around, courtesy of you, you and he remain constantly vulnerable to breaking up ("eeek!"). That would make him feel very *permanently* insecure, whether only intermittently showing it or not, which might well have him trying to make YOU cling to him (for fear of losing him to another woman) as much as he needs to. It'd be like waiting for the guillotine to come down, maybe even just because, for example, he let the damp towel fall to the bathroom floor without noticing and picking it up, added to any other run of petty misdemeanours. Paranoid, in other words, but with a (sort-of) cause.
I mean, from his POV - so WHAT if she apologised? Does that, in his mind, guarantee she meant it or could she, for all he knows, be jealous and trying to split you two up thus just waiting for her next chance? So, like you say, it IS possible to see where he's coming from. Thus perhaps it's a case of, right feelings and intentions, WRONG/STUPID METHOD?
You have that in common, though, albeit to a milder degree because... why on earth are you still continuing to bring her up, especially whenever having just met up with her? Is that clever - during this current, ongoing climate, I mean? Why keep telling him and bringing her up when you have every reason NOT to?
From his point of (unknown) view, then, his choice is of the Hobson variety:
[a] you drop her and he ends up having caused unbearable resentment in you which then explodes, ergo you leave him;
[b] you DON'T drop her, which failure ends up causing unbearable resentment in him, ergo (eventually) he leaves you.
So obviously, you chucking her would achieve ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, ergo it's not a choice either way. And of course it wouldn't/couldn't. Because she's not actually the problem. The fact you two can't act like solid TEAM-MATES - even during cloud and storm - is the problem.
You two are therefore prime candidates for marital counselling, and if I were you I'd make it quick-sharpish. One of the things I know is that if it's a human problem then there IS - FACT - a human solution somewhere (think getting stuck in barbed wire and having to 100% reverse out, motion-for-motion, in order to become unstuck, instead of panicking and struggling and only worsening the problem). So it's just a case of you two trying to find it, but with a truly objective and unbiased individual with zero to gain or lose by whatever advice of theirs you end up trying, as your 'referee'.
If you get an appointment under your belts, you can both leave the topic alone for a while as you wait more calmly for it and not keep cranking things up and up.
What's the latest anyway?
THERE IT IS, there's the proof I'm right! Nope, a man whom HIMSELF wants out does not push all responsibility for it onto you when he already knows breaking-up wouldn't be your choice, given the choice. Plus it's unreasonable and unrealistic, and men know it is, for the mother to be the one to have to vacate the marital home. So husband does NOT want you to leave. (And before you say it - you two may not have legalised it but you ARE marrieds in practise.) He's just bluffing, HOPING you'll believe him - simply so that you'll be too scared NOT to ditch friend.
There doesn't have to be any deeper issue if he's not throughout your history tried to isolate you from other of your friends or support network generally. He might just see this friend as the ONLY ominous, lingering cloud on your joint horizon. So why do you say twice now that you believe he wants to sample life with someone else? If he wanted to that, surely he already HAS 'great justification' for walking out of the door ("you won't join me in protecting our relationship so I'm off!")?
It's not necessarily to keep you insecure overall, just to force your hand.
Sure - DO keep being friends with her. And keep it to yourself if he doesn't want anything more to do with her, albeit, saying that, don't tell your kid to do likewise. It can't be helped if she name- or event-drops, but then, neither should it, this is about 'fault', it's just one of those uncontrollably tricky situations.
But here's the thing: your friend WAS supposed to now be both your friend, so if she let emotions get the better of her in that text then I'm afraid she did bring this on herself because a truly unbiased friend would have played Devil's Advocate OR, quite quickly after having sent any biased vitriol, taken in swiftly back via the same method (in which case you could have SHOWN him that follow-on text, couldn't you). If she is For the relationship then she should have taken the relationship's side or BOTH PARTIES' side, together or in turn, i.e. he's a prat because X but you're a prat for Y. See what I'm saying? So was she eager to curry increased favour with you at that point?
You DO have 'someone' to vent to - what are we, chopped liver? You've hurt our feelings now so we're not going to speak to you for at LEAST a week! :-p
Does he KNOW you've not ever confided in her about he and you ever since then and that nowadays, thanks to the trouble it caused, you (this is what you say to him) wouldn't dare? Or would that be anathema to you for how it might come over as you backing down?...when you've had enough backing down already?
*WHAT* unforgiveable things has he done that he treats as no big deal compared to whatever faux pas you commit? That might well change the whole situation and my opinion along with it, but it won't and can't if you won't tell me? You can disclose literally anything on here because you're not even remotely unique, you and he, in this situation, it's going on all over the Western world - as we speak. So go on - do yourself a favour and spill.
Yes i have told him recently that i havent vented to her for 3 yrs and he seemed happy with that. I think he believes me.
When i was venting to her about the issues she was on sticking up for him but then i got very honest and then it pissed her off and i guess she wanted me to stop being a doormat and letting this to happen.
Well this relationship with this work friend over 10 years has hurt me, he has humilated me in front of my mum and his family by his anger outbursts. Knowing that he was close to another woman other than me hurt me. Generally his anger outburst over the years has been hard to swallow. He doesnt wear his wedding ring as ut causes swelling and skin problems which i get but i still feel upset about it. He doesnt like going to alot of events with m i.e my friends bdays etc but i always be his plus one for our mutual friens and his friends etc.
Now he didnt want to give up his friend as i wouldnt give up on mine. Look my husband gets along with girls better than men. So before i met him he had a girl bff and he distanced himself from her for me and she passed away a few years ago so he regretted doing that. But i cant have male friends???
He makes me feel that he is only here for our daughter but i know its not true. I add alot of value to our relationship. We are complete opposites but have excellent communication. He tells me everything never lies im never in the dark and that is what has saved our relationshup over the years.
I think you should wait and see what difference her being out of the picture makes from now on. Already it seems to be having an effect.
One thing I do know is that if a man is dallying with a colleague and likes it and wants the situation to continue like that or develop further (cake and eat it merchant), it'd make him a bit thick, to say the least, to let you cotton on to begin with, let alone keep rubbing it in your face. He'd more likely have kept it a total secret or played it right down (think about it). So this all adds up with leverage but not with affair or trying to.
The rest of what you've said is just what you THINK... which you were SUPPOSED to (again, think about it).
"Yes i have told him recently that i havent vented to her for 3 yrs and he seemed happy with that. I think he believes me. "
No doubt because it was true and showed in your voice, etc.
Would it be untrue to say he'd have had these public tantrums whether or not there'd been some work colleague flirting and hinting (/back) at him? What did he spit the dummy about, anyway? And why does how he chooses to behave reflect on you, to the point where YOU'RE humiliated?
Also, why can't he wear his wedding ring on a chain around his neck; has that not occurred to either one of you?
Saying that, is it TRUE his ring causes swelling and irritation - have you seen the result with your own eyes, ever?
"He doesnt like going to alot of events with m i.e my friends bdays etc but i always be his plus one for our mutual friens and his friends etc."
If you do this for him out of a show of love and loyalty but he won't reciprocate - DON'T, THEN. Let's see how he likes 'his' rules going both ways, yes?... own medicine?
"before i met him he had a girl bff and he distanced himself from her for me and she passed away a few years ago so he regretted doing that."
Ah! Say no more, the mist clears.
"But i cant have male friends???"
Says who? Oh, this is yet MORE of the "one rule for him and another for you" (ORFC, as I call it) culture of 'his'? Well, tough tittie. Again, any rule of conduct he dictates/sets, either in principle or actual application, has to apply to BOTH members of your little society of two... so if he doesn't like you benefiting from any privilege, neither can he. That's how a democratic society works - equal rights for all.
I suggest you zip your lip more and just adopt this phrase from now on: "I'll stop/start if you stop/start". You *literally* can't say any fairer than that.
Why DON'T you suggest a quickie course of marital counselling? Better out than in and all that? It certainly couldn't do any harm, now, could it?
What i mean is he will say a reall mean remark to me which is downright embrassing infront of people. Look he hasnt done it for a long time but he does sort of pick on me.
When all this stuff happened he took his wedding ring off to prove a point. Then we made up he wore it again and his finger gets swollen and gets eczema. So it is true but i wonder if its still a stance?
The problem is he always dogs his friends events so we dont go to many lol. He doesnt care if u get me not like i do.
His notion was that since i wasnt getting rid of my friend who is harming our marriage then i wont let go of my friend from work who is harming our marriage.
My daughter knows that my husband doesnt like my friend as he has told her so i jad to have a conversation with my daughter to say that you never tell her etc. They are coming over tomorrow to my home he will be at work. So god knows how he will be tomorrow but to be honest i dont care and im not scared coz for the past month you havent done anything you have said. He is acting all normal to me etc.
He wont do marriagr counselling i think as both of us wont back down. I told him you dont have to engage with her or see her. She is my friend i do what i want etc.
If it's true rather than just a leverage tool then you know what that makes you, I take it? Lady Diana Spencer!
You're telling me he kicks the cat (you). He sounds like a tantrum-ing baby who could do with learning a bit of self-control and proper, healthier self-assertion skills, rather than using missiles as a first resort, if you ask me. Or are you too much of a force for him to reckon with?
He won't do counselling 'you THINK'? Have you even suggested it (putting it into non-threatening perspective for him, like calling it 'good housekeeping' or 'spring-cleaning')? Counsellors aren't just there to save precarious marriages from going down the pan, you know; they're equally happy to endow you with all the tricks of how to enhance basically good ones or ones with as-yet un-tapped potential.
Suggest it, see what he says?
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