Need help figuring out what's happening to my relationship
I am so lost in my relationship and myself, I just need help maybe pointing me in the right direction or finding a key trigger to everything.
First off I am a 25 year old male, engaged to my beautiful fiance and we have the most perfect son anyone could ever ask for. He is now 2. We found out she was pregnant in the first month of our relationship after she missed her period a couple weeks after we first had sex.(Little background to us) We have not cheated on each other or broken up. And we have lived together since the beginning of the second month of our relationship.
I don't know if this is related but it could be, but I had an accident at work back in April, I was pulled out of work in May for an injury to my shoulder after finally seeing my DR. Went off work for PT and back to work in August(missing 2-3 days a week while I was back) and then again right at the beginning of October I was pulled again for same issues with my shoulder that came right back and turned out I need an MRI dye injection, and ultimately surgery. Now I am a guy who doesn't even like the dentist so this was a bit stressful for me. I pulled through without any panic attacks but it took everything for me to do that. The MRI was done while I was awake, I was knocked out for my surgery, which i had October 15th. I tore my Labrum which required a few sutures and had to have a Biceps Tenodesis done. Now I haven't been able to use my left shoulder much, at work I was strictly using my right arm. So of course at home I wasn't helping so much with diaper changes or picking up our son. Which I understand would be hard on her but that is how it is. I injured myself working a 16 hour shift, I work a lot and I have always done well providing for our family. And now I have spent over half the year home. I won't say things were perfect before I hurt myself and started being home a lot more. But they have progressed to far worse issues.
On that note, our past issues have been bickering about will we have money for bills if I spend this amount on something. Then I would get upset, and argue I make the money, I spend the money. Well not quite that way I am not an asshole, but it frustrates me when someone who has been taken care of their whole life by someone else (her mom til she was 17, and then me now) will give me advice on money. Whenever I have always paid our bills to begin with. And she knows its a touchy topic with me but still will say things like that to this day, infact earlier today I came back from Walmart and said I spent 100$ on our groceries and she replies, "That's a lot of money." It is almost as if that implies it was a bad decision. Well we need groceries we had hardly any food at the house it was time to go shopping. It is little things like that though, and lately she hasn't been doing anything at all. Pretty much as soon as I have been up and around again from my surgery I have been doing the dishes, cleaning up my sons room, taking out the trash, doing laundry(can't fold but I can switch), even vacuuming and such. And I have been spending 10-15 hours a week doing all of this while she has been doing nothing. We have a pile of laundry on the floor in the bedroom that she still hasn't folded and it has been there for over a month. The same thing happens with the dishes, it gets so bad that you couldn't wash your hands in the sink. So I would do it. And yes it hurt me but if I didn't do it then it wouldn't have been done. And while I would be doing the dishes if I even said one word about it she would get very irritated and tell me I am only doing it to hold it over her head.
This girl is spoiled by me. She has switched laundry 3-4 times this last month, and maybe picked up the floor in the living room 2-3 times. And I have taken care of her, bought her everything she has needed since we have been together, I even bought her an Audi A4. Expensive car btw. And it is just like she does not appreciate me at all. If she cooks a meal the dishes from cooking will sit in the kitchen for days and if I say anything to her she will say yeah I will do it today or get mad for me harassing her. I can hardly talk to her about any issues we have without upsetting her. Though I can't help but sound like I am nagging because it's not like I haven't said it before a dozen times. It just to me doesn't seem fair that I work myself to the point I become injured and I am homebound recovering from surgery and she decides to opt out of her duties at home. And I did always notice when she would do stuff at home and compliment her on it.
Christmas eve I broke down. It may have been creeping in for a long time but I finally just broke. I was crying and trying to explain things to my fiance about our issues and she was listening finally. Though she is always so quick to point her finger at me saying I need therapy that I am depressed. But I used to not be depressed, I was fine. And I was always trying to help her out with her depression(she suffered from postpartum depression bad. Well anyways I just said that I need a therapist out loud and it was like being hit by a train. I have never felt so much emotion before. I am dying on the inside, I try to just make the two of us better and I want it more than anything in the world. I have improved so much and I let so many things go now that I normally would have let turn into a fight. I lay next to her in bed at night and she rolls the opposite way. I roll towards her to spoon her and she tells me its too hot and pushes my hand off her. And it's like being stabbed in the chest. I can't take the pain of it anymore. Her rejecting me, and I am not talking about sex, even just cuddling with her. It kills me to not be able to cuddle her at night. I have been losing sleep. I stay up so late at night now because I try to put off going to bed and I can't help myself I try to go to her and that rejection just hurts every time. She says she loves me but I am so terrified that she doesn't even know what that is. I have been in a couple serious relationships(two, 3+ year) where as she hasn't been in any other than me.
I am just terrified, I am changing so much now, I can't even tell you how stupid I look at night after my son goes to sleep and we have our free time, I will waste hours and hours from 9pm to 3-4 am just browsing games on xbox live store or on the computer looking for anything to acquire my interest, I have dozens of games already and I just swap the discs back and forth, I load one game for a few minutes get ready to start a race or into a game lobby and I just take it out. I don't want to play it. I have no interest in anything, I don't enjoy anything. Things I used to love to do just don't appeal to me at all anymore. I have cried almost every night the last couple of months. I scared myself when I broke down like I did on Christmas eve. I even thought to myself while I was crying, "what the hell am I doing?". I could not stop, losing control like that has never happened and to be honest I had no idea what I was going to do next. It felt like I was locked out from my body and just stuck in my mind. And I am sure my neighbors heard me crying(in an apartment building), I actually passed out while I was crying and I can't remember if I couldn't breathe or if I just had so much stress or maybe became so relaxed as that all came out. My fiance did pull me into her chest, I remember that and I just laid into her and woke up Christmas day feeling like I had a hang over. I am really concerned for my health, I have an eating disorder now(self diagnosed but I get anxiety when I eat and I don't have an appetite).
I love her, she is the most beautiful woman in the world, I just want to be able to go a day or two without feeling like I am irritating her. Another example, in the kitchen I set a paper towel down I used to dry my hands with on the counter which happens to be near the trash and she grabbed it and said you know the trash can is right here but in that really mean voice of hers like she was being a smart ass to me. Which I take offensive. I just told her I wasn't done using it that's why I left it out. I think one big thing I have noticed with me changing is that I don't let myself become angry towards her when she would normally set me off. I get sad, but it's just I would rather cry and be hurt than to yell, be angry and to hurt her. We definitely have different maturity levels. I am almost 6 years older than her, I have lived on my own before. She works 1 day a week right now at my same job but she is currently out of school and she still just sits around and won't help.
Am I crazy to say I feel she is the depressed one bringing a co dependent person down with her? I used to not be this way. Not until this last year but I used to not show much affection towards her and she would beg for it. Now it's like I am just drowning her anytime I try to kiss her. But it's not always that way. I mean sometimes she will want kiss after kiss after kiss. But most of the time when we cuddle or have sex it is just like she is only doing it to "get it out of the way for a while", well that is how I feel anyways. She has no enthusiasm towards doing any of it. Very rarely she will. I just stop having sex with her if she is going to be miserable doing it then I don't want it at all. And we end up fighting or something so to me it's just not worth it. She sleeps on the couch a lot now and yet it's not because she doesn't want to cuddle, there just isn't enough room. It's like she is trying to mask a real reason. We used to cuddle all night, I would wake up with her on top of me. Now I wake up and half the time she won't even be in the bed anymore. Or if I get her to let me fall asleep with her on the couch she will be gone as soon as I fall asleep. We specifically bought that couch because its extra deep to cuddle and sleep on it together and we used to all the time. I think these problems were arising before I was taken off work.
We have fought about something else I just remember, her friend Dylan is getting married in Texas and wants her to come to the wedding to be his brides, bridesmaid. I have never met this guy and she hasn't seen him as long as we have been together. But to me it is ridiculous to spend money to go to Texas and for me to take off work to go to a wedding of someone I have never seen before? They chat on Facebook and text each other all the time but I don't think that's any reason to spend money that could go towards our own wedding. I am so worried she is going to leave me for him or something. I think I am being irrational though because she has never given me a reason to think she was cheating on me. Other than taking her phone from me if I pick it up. Yet she goes through mine all the time and I let her. I have nothing to hide. I tell her that and she says she just doesn't like me taking her stuff. And for a little background on my Fiance, her dad and mom split up when she was about 4 or so. And her mom got married to an abusive alcoholic who would beat her mom up, all the while her real dad is in and out of prison for drug related offenses. So he is off in high town this whole time. My girlfriends sister is diagnoses with manic depression and I think Bi polar. She is a train wreck that is for sure. They are full blood sisters. Now on my background, my father was abusive mostly verbal to me. And I spent most of my life away from him but he used to just happen to be around to spank me or yell at me and that was it. I hardly ever had any positive experiences with him. Then one day in high school a cop came into my classroom to escort me out and take me out to the police car where I saw my dad in the back to find out he was arrested on molestation charges towards a couple of my sisters. Not all but some. And this was the first I had heard of it. I never saw a counselor for it, I think the school tried to get me to talk about it but there was some stupid helper in there I wasn't going to say anything in front of another kid my age. It would be all over the school. It already was, it was put in the paper and several of my teachers called me out of class to ask if I needed anything. My dad never touched me, he was only verbally and physically abusive as in smacking my head (pretty hard) or taking a ping pong paddle to my butt for the dumbest little things, like knocking a drink over on his computers keyboard. Accidents... I don't think I ever got through that trauma. But I just locked it away just like I have been locking away the pain from my relationship. The pain of being rejected and not being able to make my girl happy. I hope I have supplied enough information. I am sorry for how horribly organized everything is, I just let it flow through me, it felt good writing this all out. I would like to get back to spending nights cuddling my fiance and having a healthy relationship on track for my son. I don't want him to grow up with multiple moms or dads.
She also is hard to talk to, if I try to bring up issues she becomes extremely irritable and frustrated with me. And she gets frustrated when I cry, so now I just try to hold it in and let it out when she's not around like when I finally lay down alone. I need help guys, I feel like I am living in a foggy world. Nothing seems clear to me, I can't express myself to anyone verbally(i am obviously disorganized), I feel like I am in an empty room with 100s of revolving doors that all just bring me back into the same room. I can't make any decisions, I feel like my son is the only thing holding me together, I have even been snapping at my mom and becoming defensive towards her when I don't mean to be. I love my mom and I have always been nice to her. I have yelled at her twice in the last few months while she was trying to help me out with my problems. I can't focus on anything or remember things, I drove to the store a week ago only to get there and forget why I was going there to drive back home and realize I went there for my prescription to be filled out that was sitting in my cup holder...
I have not wanted to harm myself or anyone else, the only time I have been scared was when I lost my emotions and broke down. And I know that I spend most of my time crying about insignificant things like my fiance not wanting me to cuddle with her on the couch.
Thank you for reading this and any opinions you have to say to me.
My father was abusive, physically and abusive. Though he never beat me up, it was more grabbing my arm and yank me around or something. I never cried like this then. I never let him see that he hurt me. And I just can't help but think this is finally taking a toll on me. I have crazy nightmares at night
you say that it was like being hit by a train - that you had never felt so much emotion before - that you felt like you were dying on the Inside : this looks like it all came up at once - days - months - maybe years of "taking it in" - when it finally comes up and shows itself in all its glory - of course it is mighty overwhelming and hyper intense - stuff that could have been dealt with then and was suppressed - accumulated over time in an area marked "no access - denied" - which could have lead to possible codependent features developing : with her having never had to really take care of herself and you investing 100% - of course imbalance has occurred with you stuffing it all up and her not wanting you to point out where she could do better
now - her stepfather was an abusive alcoholic and her real father involved in drugs and prison : I wonder how her mother managed in such a situation - fact is one of her sisters now suffers from depression and has maybe developed bipolar tendencies - how about your girlfriend ? do you think she might suffer from depression too (unrelated to any postpartum depression) ? could it be possible she's expected too much from you (as in being her knight in shining armor) - which you seemed only but all too obliged to do - with the "fairy tale" coming crashing down when you got injured and harsh reality came around with you not able to "do it all" ?
apparently you've been hardly done by your father as well as your sisters but here too you locked it all away and now with things accumulating it all comes out in the wash and it's a meltdown for you - what seems to hurt so much is that you can not make another "happy" - it seems you've lost your internal "instruction" map on how to handle it all : that's why you feel so disoriented, in the fog and lost - the emotional meltdown was so intense - it shook your very foundations - those you built up through the years to cope : and now it's all "out there" - it's a mess and you don't know what to make of it
start by acknowledging this fact - see it's good to have it all out in the open - for you to look at and decide how you want to reorganize, discard, upgrade, reconfigure YOUR values and the things you stand by - allow yourself this passage of not knowing - recognizing it's utility for reconstructing
as for her - she obviously seems blocked - not wanting to be touched - not wanting to discuss : this looks like denial - as long as she's not willing to face the "truth" (as in how the situation actually is) - willing to let go of a possible projection of an "ever happy" dream she projected on you which came crashing down when you got injured - there is little you can do : maybe you both could go and see a couple therapist to undo the knots
you need to get back to yourself ASAP : it is very unhealthy to stay in such hyper mental and emotional confusion : do whatever needed to get yourself back on (your) track - this is the first step to anything being able to evolve in the right direction for you both - and do some in-depth research in yourself to find out about this codependent stuff you might suffer from to "lay its roots bare" and get it out of the way : this is an occasion for you to work on building a healthy self-esteem - coming from your own inner strength and not the projection of becoming happy through the happiness of another - put boundaries of what you will and will not accept in the situation as it presents itself - without getting into convoluted (exhausting) discussions (that she doesn't want to deal with anyway) but for your own mental and emotional sanity - and have these evolve according to the actual factual situation : limits and boundaries YOU can live with - and to which you agree - that's how you'll built self-respect
eat well - sleep and take good care of you :)