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Marriage problems

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Relationship advice Hello Im new to this i need some advice recently my husband and i have been having some issues its mainly him having issues with me. Little background we got married young at 16 we have three kids and we are now 24 after having my son i really let myself go and have no energy to do things. His issue with me is he says im a bad mom and can never do anything right. Some days he tells me he loves me and other days he is just mean to me and tells me he doesnt love me that he is only with me for the kids. An that in close doors we are not toghter but when out we are what should i do i need some advice i love him and still wanna make it work but idk if he does should i still try? Or just give up

Marriage problems

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Could you ask him specifically what it is that makes you a bad mom? Can you ask him what it is that you do right? From the way he acts and talks, is he negative in general?

If he's negative in general, everything that walks within his field of vision is going to be negative. If that's the problem, nobody stands a chance. What about your general attitude? Are you a positive person or a negative person?

You can't change his attitude, but you can change yours to positive, and make the most of what you have, rather than dwelling on what you don't have. You children are copying your attitude, so try to make it positive for yourself and for them.

They see the way you are handling problems, and if you're going around with a bad attitude about your marriage and whatnot, they'll be copying that next time they have a difficult problem. Try to find the good in them and yourself that you can, for its the same amount of time spent with each, it's just that one's positive and one's negative time.

Do you feel like you can do things right? That's the important thing. Do you think you're a good mom? That's the important thing. Without the kids, why was he staying with you? You're the same person.

He may just be playing a game of he wants to rule over you. Don't buy into it. He could have left you before the kids arrived. Does he mistreat everybody? Does he mistreat the kids? You don't want him mistreating the kids.

Yes you should still try. If he doesn't want to go along with your positive program, you'll have to move on without him, in that, you'll have to do as well as you can until he gets home, and then it's going to be hellacious.

Don't let him drag you down. That's what he's trying to do.

Marriage problems

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He says im a bad mom because my one year old doesnt talk yet i try my best with all three kids he doesnt help me with them at all im the one thats baths them brushes there teeth help them with homework everything and he doesnt help because he is tired from work.My attitude is positive im not a negative person i try my best to stay positive all the time. He doesnt mistreat the kids and me he just yells when he is frustrated or stress financially. Yes i believe i can do things right and i try i actually feel like i am a descent mother but to him im not. The sad part is i still love him and i dont havr the balls to talk back to him and point out all his flaws i have never disrespected him in anyway.

Marriage problems

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Hi Minnie4

I'm not surprised you've no energy, three children at 24 I can't imagine. I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job, I only have the one child (he's 24 now) but when he was young I worked full time when he was small and part-time when he went to school, I don't know if you drive or can go places with the children so you can inter-act with other people, that's very important.

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Hi thank you. Yes i do drive but sense we only have one car he takes it to work and were carless so i usually just take them for a walk sense there are no parks around here its kinda hard to go out. Honestly i dont interact with alot of people other then my mom and husband i havent gone out with by myself sense i got married. He use to be kinda strict about me going out friends.

Marriage problems

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He seems to not contribute much but job and money. He should help you more than that. I can just imagine if he had to take care of the kids and work. I think if you going to stay with him, should get some type of outlet. That is overwhelming to be in your shoes. Maybe he needs an outlet. I also think you should tell him what he is doing and how you feeling. You should find some positive people to be around. They can help motivate you in a lot of ways. Most importantly, you gota take some time to get you together, so you can feel good about yourself and one day be strong enough to leave him or speak your truth to him. God bless!

Marriage problems

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Thank you for your reply. First thing we want to do is give you a medal.

You said,

“i try my best with all three kids he doesnt help me with them at all im the one thats baths them brushes there teeth help them with homework everything and he doesnt help because he is tired from work.”

You said, “Yes i believe i can do things right and i try i actually feel like i am a descent mother but to him im not.”

Doesn’t sound like you’re a bad mother, it sounds like you’re mother of the year, in the 99th percentile. I know that’s frustrating not to get credit for it.

It’s int. as to specifically why he says you’re not a good mom: Because the one year old doesn’t talk yet. Whoa.

I thought his complaints would have to be good, but I didn’t know it was going to be that good.

My mom, who was exceptionally mean, also, once, what, got on to my wife for basically the same thing at about the same age for the child, oh, because he knew only two words “ball” for anything that stayed still, and “boat” for anything that moved.

My wife was so convinced that my mother was right, she wasn’t, she was just mean, that she sat our one year old down and tried to teach him some new words. It wasn’t going to please my mom, but my wife fell for the trap, believing that my mom was a sincere grandma. She wasn’t.

Instead of seeing how cute ball and boat was in that stage, my mom chose to downgrade both my child and my wife. It wasn't they who were inferior, it was my mother who felt inferior because of childhood trauma.

My mom had deep psychological problems, by the way, and was a terror.

Does your husband have any such problems, such as, was he raised in a neg. household? Do you know his mom or dad, what kind of people are they, same as your husband? Try to understand what’s going on with him.

Oh, I use to get onto my wife. I have two pictures I took of her holding our son. In the first she’s nice and smiley. In the second, it’s like her heart has been ripped out of her. Why is that? Because after I took the first picture, I criticized her. I told her she wasn’t posing right, or something.

Well, where did I get that from? I got it from my older brother, who was always criticizing me for my poses when he took a picture or I was just standing there. It came second nature to me. I said it to my wife without even thinking.

So, where did my brother get his criticism from? My father, who had an anger personality disorder and was always criticizing everybody, and my mother, who had childhood trauma, and was a borderline personality syndrome person. Double whamey. That’s why I encourage you to look at your husband’s parents and the household in which he grew up.

I used to think I was a pretty good husband, but I realize now I was prob. not. Criticizing my wife too much. For one, I was manic-depressive, but I wasn’t on any medicine. I had not been diagnosed as that, and was basically functioning but was overly critical and high strung. But I thought I was a really nice guy, and your husband probably doesn’t realize what he is doing, either.

Oh, during that picture I was taking of my wife, and criticizing her, I learned years later that was having a series of affairs, and that if I had found out about them then and ask her about it, this meek individual that I was chastising would have come back at me like an animal if I attempted to stop her from that. So, really, I was tripping around the edge of a volcano, and didn’t know it.

He, like myself, is working from the standpoint of, she should be perfect, and if she’s not I’ll criticize everything she supposedly does wrong. However, he could be working from the angle of, appreciating everything you do right. Is he hyper critical of others? Do you think he has any underlying issues, depression, raised rough, something like that?

When my grandchild was born, I wanted to take care of him during the day. When he took his nap, I was supposed to make his formula and bottles for him. Trouble was, he wouldn’t sleep long enough, and I found I couldn’t do that. I also had a health problem that made it basically impossible to do that, and I shouldn’t have tried it in the first place.

But it did give me a taste of what that’s all about. Somehow, women are more patient with that, but men can do most of it, and can help out with other things, like taking the garbage out, loading the dishwasher, etc.

Even when I worked, and I didn’t always because of the illness I mentioned, I would still, after supper, give our child a bath while my wife cleaned up the kitchen, and would get the child ready for bed, read him a bedtime story and such. Doesn’t your husband have any compassion for your children if not for you? Doesn’t he want to help them when you are overloaded?

Can you ask him at such times, "Can you help me with this by...."?

I just heard my next door neighbor lamblasting his dog, “Don’t do that!! Don’t do that!!!!” as the dog was trying to get some attention from him and following him around the back yard. I thought, “That guy doesn’t feel anything for that dog. That dog has a rough life, he never gets walked, they don’t pay any attention to him, he gets left out at night. What is that?”

Your husband seems to feel the same way about his own kids, not to mention his wife.
Could you ask him after supper, can you give 1 or 2 of the kids a bath while I clean up the kitchen? See what he says.

You said, “My attitude is positive im not a negative person i try my best to stay positive all the time.”

That’s a very good sign. It’s helping you, and your children are picking up on that. You’ve got a good start on this with that kind of attitude.

For many years, I did not have a positive attitude, and it cost me and those around me, so you can be thankful for that attitude.

But then you say, “The sad part is i still love him and i dont havr the balls to talk back to him and point out all his flaws i have never disrespected him in anyway.” I’m not suggesting that you grow a pair, but with your positive attitude, can you think of some things you could suggest to, or in other ways, solve the problem?

I did read a column that said having a positive attitude is the key to being a good problem solver, so you have the key, you just need to use it, to express your positivity, to solve the problem.

The positive attitude, the column I read was saying, opens up, first in your mind, the chance for solving a problem, by coming up with possible solutions in your mind. That’s not criticizing him, which I’m glad you don’t, but it is giving you and him a chance to solve this problem, and to be an ever better mother (and for him to be a better father)by making things happier around the house.

To start, maybe, you could have one chore for him a night, like take out the garbage and/or give one or two of the kids a bath, and get them ready for bed. You said, “He doesnt mistreat the kids and me.” That’s another positive.
What was your home life like, and your parents?

You said you still want to make your marriage work. Or should you give up. Don't give up. I stayed in a bad marriage because of our child, and because of the paychecks under one roof, which makes it better for all involved, but you can improve what you have. Put your positive nature to work. Come up with some ideas in your mind, and then express them. Or just grow a pair, if that's what you really want.

I now tell myself, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem." Think of one way the situation could be improved, and use your positive nature to make that solution work.

As I tell my psychiatrist sometime, thinking back to the days before I read the column on being positive when I didn't do enough to help myself, "Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?" Or, as you would tell someone who is down and out, "Just grow a pair, baby."

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