I'm running away from my baby and his father
ANTIDELWA - Jan 2 2016 at 10:03
I'm 22 years old and just got out of an abusive relationship with an older man who also has children of his own. He controlled everything including whether or not we used protection. Regrettably, I fell pregnant and had to leave college. I wanted an abortion but he threatened to kill Me and honestly I never wanted a baby. I never bonded with my son and his existance pissed me off. He is like a reminder of my stupidity and irresponsibility. Most of the time I wasnt even allowed to spend time anyway. His father controlled everything. His kids would give the child to him. Nobody acknowledged me as a mother and so I just gave up. One day he head butted Me . I was bleeding and his daughter just laughed. The next day I packed my stuff and left. He offcourse threw my things everywhere and told me to fuck off. His mother asked Me whats wrong but who will believe Me? Abusers are two faced. Anyway I went to visit the child for the last time and the stupid idiot thought I was coming back to him. He honestly expects me to accept his dumb ass apology. His kids mothers also walked out and I finaly get why. My mother hasnt been very helpful she just tells me to keep quiet about the baby. Shes also best friends with the landlady who doesnt want to see my face because I got pregnant. My relationship with my mother doesnt exist and I hated my father most of my life. Family doesnt mean anything to Me and Id rather My son not have a mother than pretend Im interested whilst putting him through more pain. I want to study again and live my life WITHOUT kids. So I decided to leave the city and never come back. Does that make me selfish?
well - I think it's always better to be honest - with oneself - then "try to make do" - obviously it seems a good idea to get away from this man and surroundings as well as make a break with the environment : so the idea to get back to your studies and a life of your own seems a good thing to do
as for your child : of course many would say it's not moral/ethical to leave your child but what's the point in having a relationship you don't want ? what's the point in having your child believe you love him when you don't ? besides it seems his father and children want to have your son anyway - their way : by the way how old his your child ?
it's maybe better to leave and later explain to your child - when old enough - why you left because that's a mark of honesty and integrity towards yourself in the first place and the situation - as in taking a stand and a clear one at that - but for many it will not seem that way - so be prepared to receive a lot of critic and people letting you down - even your family - that said : who's going to take care of the child ?
Thank You. I was afraid of getting harsh judgement but also feel a bit guilty. He's only 2 months old. His dad will take care of him , he's more "motherly" and baby crazy than I am. even more reason why nobody will believe he's an abusive man. Afterall, Im the young crazy unstable one in everyones eyes. The isolation kills me
of course 2 month old is very very young .. are you breastfeeding ?
do you think the father could be wanting to be controlling of the child ? do you think that could harm the child in psychological, mental and emotional ways - detrimental to his overall well-being ? if so - maybe another solution must be looked for
do you think that in another environment and different situation - elsewhere - starting over a new life - that you could love your child ? if so - do you envision taking your child with you ? that would of course be the most "natural" solution : think about it - your child is in no way "responsible" for whatsoever and is but a very little sweet baby : you must not transfer the problems you have/had with your abusive man - onto him : in what ways is/was he abusive ?
you say family doesn't mean a thing to you - but here you are and there is one little baby counting on you to be there for him - some way or another : you can not change your past but you can create your future : your baby doesn't have to carry your past
take the time to ponder on all this before making hasty decisions about your child - you are the one who ultimately knows what you have to do - for you - for your child
if you wish so - let me know what you intend to be doing - take care :)
If there were nothing standing in your way of giving that child a proper, normal, healthy mother-child relationship yet still you wanted to bail, THEN you could be called selfish. In this instance, you're being sensibly self-preservationist. NO child on reaching young adulthood would feel good about themselves if they found out their existence had been the cause of your having had to put up with serious abuse both psychological and physical year after year after decade, especially considering the fact staying wouldn't have even afforded you any motherly rights to do just that - mother him - anyway.
Keep a detailed daily (and backdated) diary that you can hand to him once he's old enough to try to seek you out, in case the bf and his family have fed him lie upon lie in order to have left him resentful towards you.
We don't get to choose our family. But do use this whole horrid episode as your lesson when it comes to getting to choose your boyfriends and watching and waiting before leaping all in to where you're completely dependent and vulnerable.
You've been isolated and incapable of attracting or being attracted to friends because you've had too much sh*t to deal with to have noticed any 'come hither' signals. Now that your mind and hands are free, things like that will naturally start to follow.
The only way, now, is up so - chin up! :-)
I mostly feel like I can't do it because I'm unemployed and dont even have a home. The only choice I have is to go and I don't think the father will do a good job of making up for it. He thinks that his children don't need a mother just because he can cook and clean and make them laugh. He plays super dad and the community like and respect him but hates me which suits him fine. His hypocrisy is annoying and He enjoys blaming me for anything that happens to the child. Its not the child's fault but I can't be pulled into that game where I get blamed for everything. I can only take him if I have a home. For now, I don't. Im living with relatives hoping they will help out. My mother is especially harsh. I remember her saying "Im old but Id never go for a man that old", "The baby doesnt look cute or anything. Its just a baby" which makes me ashamed for having Him. She actualy thinks its a good idea for me to bail . I feel sorry that my son has such messed up parents
could it be you feel ashamed for having had a baby with an abusive (old) man whom your mother says she would never go for ? that's a double whammy - enough to make anyone feel bad + the fact that the community and his family all think he's just wonderful : don't - don't take the bait thinking you're no good - and then look at your baby and find he's "just a baby" - like the flawed result that has come from a bad situation that you happened to be in - then to be discarded as a "failure" - that is looking to him as being the "fault" - thus the "thing" to be ashamed of -
what is shameful is the situation with this abusive man - the way his surrounding enables and the way your mother seems to have abandoned you
not you - not the baby : you are not to be ashamed of you and the life you created
apart from your mother do you have any other family you can turn to ? grandmother ? aunt ? somewhere you can go with your baby and get your life together for a new start ?
Get back into school and finish your education by an means necessary- student loans, work part time whatever it takes. I hope you take SOULMATE advice about keeping a diary for your son. Make the most of this second chance to live your life- Good Luck!
Antidelwa, are you alright?
WOW, that's a tough one...I don't thinK it's a question of selfishness, rather self preservation..however, as an adult product of an abusive upbringing (bio parents dumped me, grandparents adopted me), I wonder what my life would have been like had my bio parents not given up on me. perhaps if you could feel towards that baby the way you wished your parents had treated you, it might make your decision a little easier...have you reached out to some help org's? Thealternativehouse.org, budgeting.thenest.com(informative article) singlemotherhelp.org...there are a lot of programs out there that could be very helpful to you and your baby. Raising children IS the toughest job on earth, and NOBODY is perfect at it- but I can tell you from experience I wish EVERY DAY of my life that my father had kept me. Of course, you must do what you think is best for baby and yourself, but right now you are very, very young and for most people,hindsight is 20-20- consider carefully this decision and the very best of good luck to you.
Whatever decision you make for yourself is purely your own choice. I think it is best that you are removing yourself from the situation. However, you have a baby whether you like it or not, and you (and anyone else who knows about it) are morally obligated to get it out of that abusive household. Perhaps put your child in foster care or up for adoption. Your child may remind you of pain and a lack of control, but remember, it's just an innocent baby regardless of what it resembles to you. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best in school.