FISHYMAN15 - Jan 2 2016 at 14:20
Hi all, feel I should give you a brief bio on my ex first shes 38 been married 3 times all abusive relationships of varying types, she was abused as a child. Previously suffered depression and hospitalized after a meltdown at work a few years ago. She's manager in a very stressful job under staffed by 4 and works longer hours to cover the workload of everyone, she also lost a couple of relatives around this time last year. although was doing a lot of travelling for work and never grieved properly. She's been close to breaking point a few times but puts a happy face on at work, so no one suspects anything is wrong . refuses to admit she may have depression (has 7 out of 9 symptoms according to google) says its just stress but won't go to the doctors to get help so not on any medication and tries to deal with it all herself. She also worries about everything. is a very closed person with regard to what people know about her personal life. finds it difficult to open up emotionally, says she cant explain whats going on inside her head.
We started dating back in February and she was very guarded with her feelings but over time she started to let me in. we fell in love with each other and I'd never felt anywhere near what I felt with her with anyone else. we loved every second with each other. still got excited when I was seeing her and she still got butterflies. she was perfect to me and what I'd waited 26 years to find in someone. and she told me she's the happiest she's ever been. I respected her, tried to cheer her up when she was down, cared for her and would have protected her no matter what. made her happy with the little things, always complimented her, never put her down at all, always listened to her, never treated her badly and we've never had an argument the only issues we had which were there from day 1 were a difference in food tastes when dining out. so although challenging, I offered to start trying new stuff so we could dine out at posher places. which she was used to. and a different perspective on sex (which I put down to previous relationships/ history etc) to me neither of these were deal breakers as there was so much more to us than that and with a bit of communication we could have got through both of these. She was up and down mood wise for most of relationship (mainly work) but seemed to be genuinely happier with everything when she was with me, her friends and family all noticed it. We were both good for each other.
So after 6 months of bliss at the beginning of September she asked me to move in with her ( despite telling me right at the start that she didn't want to live with another man for at least 10 years) so this was a very big thing for her! then at the end of September she sent me a Quote
I guess your post is not finished : waiting to respond for reading more :)
"When you meet the right person, you know it. You can’t stop thinking about them. They are your best friend, and your soulmate. You can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with them. No one and nothing else can compare" again knowing her, a very big statement that would have taken a lot for her to say.
She sold her flat within a week of asking me, we'd started looking at houses together (although hadn't found anything by mid October) but the future was looking great as I felt exactly the same. Then 3 days before our second holiday together to Egypt in October a close family friend died. we went on holiday and a couple of days after we got back she had the funeral to attend and then straight back to work. it was then she started going distant on the texts ie no kisses or emoticons not saying anything lovey as she did daily before. I just put it down to the funeral and stress of work/buying house etc. spent the following weekend with her and everything seemed normal between us then when I got home I asked her if we were ok? to which she replied she just needed some space as was feeling overwhelmed and had to sort her head out. so the following Wednesday were chatting on whatsapp as normal and she says she cant stop crying so I drop everything and go over spend the next couple of hours cuddling and listening to her problems (mainly work) until she stops crying and says she's ok, she then had hospital the next day to get results of tests for lady problems. so I texted her a good luck message 5 mins before appointment to let her know I was thinking of her and waited for her to let me know the outcome....she never did.
So the next evening chatting on the phone and she says she was pissed off that i didn't ask how she was but to be fair I messaged her just before and thought she might want to tell me voluntarily. Asked her if she wanted to meet up and she said she was going away and that she really just needed her mum right now. so I asked about the results and she just said that it was nothing although i suspect different
so another week of pushing me away and I'm still telling her she's beautiful and i'm there for her and I love her daily. when she arranges a meet saying we need to talk and then without discussion of any sort just ends it.
saying she's got stuff to deal with and can't be in a relationship, not happy in the relationship and that she's lost who she is. to me these are 3 separate excuses without giving me a specific reason for any of them but said she still wants to be friends and that she was setting me free
then when asked a couple of days later for a proper reason she said During the last 6 weeks I've been feeling it didn't feel right.....and better I tell you than leave it. but again no details of why and contradicts herself as 6 weeks was around the time she said she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with me I still couldn't understand it because it still didn't make sense to me as nothing was different until after the funeral only 2 weeks before. so asked her again for a reason she then replied" that I had done nothing wrong but she realized in Egypt she didn't see a future for us as not everyone matches" despite an amazing holiday
I'm so frustrated as I feel she's just making excuses and hasn't given me real reason. so the funeral seems to be the turning point and the hospital results . I had already unfriended her on FB but she outright blocked me a couple of weeks later and re-friended a couple of guys she had blocked previously due to them both making her feel uncomfortable. she has since found religion and says she is happy. Although I see her at work and she looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Is there something she's not telling me?
Why end something so great without talking about whats bothering you?
Why wait six weeks before saying anything?
How can you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and then not see a future together within weeks?
If realized in Egypt we had no future why drag it out another 3 weeks before ending it when you had opportunity?
was there any more I could have done to help?
Just read all this back and it sounds like its hard work but I always told her she was worth fighting for but I didn't know who or what I was fighting!
!!! Sorry it goes on a bit but thought would get better responses if you had all the information. can anyone help as I'm confused?
thanks for listening.
You deserve to know the truth. I would try talking to her some more to get some answers. Nobody deserves to put all of their heart into a relationship like that and then get curved for no legitimate reason. It's ridiculous. Plus, why would she block you and then re-friend other guys ??.. Suspicious. You definitely need answers but be honest with yourself also.
Have you taken into consideration that maybe those test results were not good? as in life altering.. ie. not able to have children, possible long term illness, or even some form of cancer? sometimes us women tend to over react and push the one's who love us most away for fear of being judged.
"releasing you" can mean many things. maybe she felt she was keeping you from happiness because of something mentioned above.
or could be going through a "mid-life-crisis" type thing where this life altering event shifted the way she thinks and she hasn't been able to shake it yet.
the new found attention for these men she otherwise found irritating could be a way to ensure no feelings will develop. Just some good flirting and she wouldn't have to worry about sharing her true self with anyone.
personally i'd just give her all the space she needs, write her a note "I'll be here when and if you ever need someone to talk to" should be sufficient to let her know you're there for her but not demanding or expecting anything from her.
I do believe you deserve an explanation but pushing will get you no where with someone that's been abused in the past.
GL! I hope I helped ease your mind a bit.
Look at the data: It's glaringly obvious that something - or someone - happened at the funeral. That was the discernible turning point. The ex (who was a mutual friend of the deceased) showed up and, fuelled by Dog-in-Manger syndrome (finding out that as opposed to him, she was already with someone else - you) and them both fuelled by the alcohol at the wake, he worked on her (which obviously wasn't too hard) and....?
That would explain why, against prior repeat claims made before any excitement kicked in, she was all of a sudden in such a hurry to plonk you into that newly-vacant side of her bed before it got any colder and thereby screamed as a whole concept to be dealt with. She might also have caught an STD off him or fallen pregnant and needed an abortion? Or just a non-typically dealbreaking excuse to keep you away so that she'd have room to see if she could make a second go of her relationship with the ex (- answer, NO...but she has to find that out for herself).
I mean - only 6 months in? A commitment of that size? Come ON. Whether she knew it or not, she was using you to try to blot him out. It worked for a while, whilst the Honeymoon Heroin was at its strongest, but, that Heroin not having life-length strength (due to you two NOT being workable soulmates), and the bubble having been popped by the whole idea of death ergo life being too short plus her work stress plus the ex showing up, it too quickly lost its power of effect *and* left her too tired to keep up her moral standards.
Don't EVER move in or even agree to move in with someone after only 6 months, yeesh! Imagine if this had happened after you'd already moved in? Nuff said, huge aggro and heartbreak-wise.
She's proven she's not NEARLY ripe 'n ready for a committed relationship, having not even given herself/her over-busy life and stress load having disallowed a chance to get over the ex. And nobody that genuinely loves and/or is in-love with you risks letting you wander away, basically, in the final analysis, into the arms of another waiting woman/the next relationship. No way, Jose. So, painful as it is a lesson, don't waste your time waiting for someone who isn't your intended.
And FYI going forward: "a very big statement that would have taken a lot for her to say." Wrong. It only takes a lot to say if the person says only what they means and means every single important thing they say and aren't under the influence of 'drugs'. It's ACTIONS that prove whether something took a lot to spout or not, i.e. the statement gets verified and validated by her subsequently NOT so quickly and easily throwing away without a backwards glance the so-called good thing and instead doing everything congruent from then on to show you how true the statement was.
It was not a perfect relationship. It was simply good chemistry between two people who are seriously out of synch in terms of being ready, willing and able (available), being as emotionally strong/intelligent and sorted, having matching moral compasses as dictate how *not* to ever treat someone after having spent however long setting and raising their expectations about what level of treatment to expect.
She was probably only meant to be your vital (but upsetting ergo lesson-giving) stepping-stone to your *genuinely* perfect match. That's how it goes. Always.