From drug addiction, to jail, to valued sober college student to throwing it all away. Betraying all the little things you value. When you look yourself in the mirror and you're not sure who you are. Do you like that person? I'm not sure - he looks a little funny.
In all seriousness, I've always pictured myself as a pretty smart kid in high school. I had mommy issues (dont we all). before i knew it i was neck-deep in legal trouble and drug addictions. Treated at the local outpatient rehab with medications to make a drug addict feel better. It worked like a charm. I was high as hell all the time.
I cheated my way through outpatient rehabs (yaknow, use ya little brothers clean piss). When probation pisses you, you fall and you start the outpatient rehab all over again.
So ya run from the damn law, move to a different state and try to make things better. But your problems compound. You cant get anything really done because of the problems of your 16yr old past. What to do? You move back and make your dues to society.
At 16 i found myself in jail. I distictly remember a CO telling me the statistics that i'll be back. Man i wanted to prove him wrong. I got out of jail and put on house arrest. Got my GED. Violated probation for smoking weed and the outpatient started over again. I've never been too great about dealing with problems so i ran again.
After months of hating everything i decided i need an education. So i move home again and start college with a warrant still out for my arrest. my first semester in college they cops know im home and i say fuck it and pay my dues to society again. Always the statistic, I was back in jail again (this time as a young adult of 19). I totally flunked that first semester of college.
When i got out of jail the second time I was finally free from the law at about 20. It felt SO good. No probation(time served) NOTHING. It was great. I went right back to college the very next semester and killed it! All A's! I'm feeling pretty good.
Something i'm, dealing with to this day is the damn DWI i got at the later months of my 20th year of living. Wasn't even a year out of trouble. Dumbest shit of my life. This was the first real problem i dealt with though. I didnt run. I did what i had to do. It wasnt perfect, i still fucked up missing appointments here and there, messed up my licence real good with a few driving on a suspended getting back and forth to work and school. but i DID IT. I didnt run from my problem.
My license is still fucked to this day but you know what i kept going. My grades were decent for a dropout with a GED going for an associates in applied sciences. I went from pre algebra to calc III in 2 years.
I made it to a science oriented university with an area of interest in computer science. I was STOKED. I've been dating this girl for about a year now and when i left for my dreams in college we settled on a long distance relationship.
When i got to the big time college life i realize just how hard a computer science degree is. Not the programming. all the THEORY. all the REQUIREMENTS. the STRESS of being in a new place. all your support networks hundreds of miles away. I passed my semester but my grades were not good enough to get into my dream major. I was .2 GPA below the requirement.
Feeling sad and disapointed that all the momentum i've built get rebounded off the proverbial brick wall i was home for the summer. I tried really hard to get an internship. Weeks of resume reviews at my college and more weeks of applying. I couldnt find anything.
So now i was stuck home without a job all summer. I picked up smoking pot and drinking again. Me and my girlfriend's sex life shrank pretty rapidly. becoming more and more depressed again i started my next semester at my college with a drug problem.
I found a nice foreign student to sleep with all semester. I did alot of drugs. I passed all the classes i needed with the grades i needed but now my GPA sank even more. I'm now .4 GPA points away so i can get accepted into my major. I'm older than all the other college students (im 23 now), with no car. On the plus side my resume ended up pulling through and i land a job as a webdeveloper for my school.
I'm now dedicating myself to staying sober. I'm still with my girlfriend and the sex still fucking sucks. My licence is still fucked while my brother bangs up the car i bought. If i can get all A's this coming semester i'll get into my dream major. One thing at a time, RIGHT?
Right now im feeling pretty shitty about myself. i know i needed to build momentum. If i get enough momentum my big ball of hopes and dreams might just be able to break it through that damn wall once and for all. I just hate myself so much for failing my goals these last 2 semesters. And cheating on my girlfriend. What kind of person am i? Do i even deserve to make my dreams come true? Of course you're going to say yes. But i just dont feel that way. Thanks for listening guys
I think the basic thing is getting in adequacy with your integrity - your sense of values and what these may be : I feel that's the main thing to get clear on
a person can do this or that - bad or good : this is not about judgment but about the value we attribute to something - ultimately reflecting the value we attribute to ourselves
you seem like a smart guy - ready and capable to "get away with things" and so now and then you seem to "get away with yourself" - like you're in the end tripping yourself up - as in not playing things in your favor : could it be that when you can make a success - you somehow "decide" (unconsciously) to sabotage yourself ?
could it be because somewhere somehow you're in rebellion with some "mommy issues" ? I don't mean to say you've got to get clean with your mother (although IF that is possible - it's always better - not ?) but mainly to get clean with YOUR issue about you mommy (and/or family in general)
why does the sex with your gf suck ?
I feel you can get a long way : you just have to get clear with yourself on what your basic values are - and stick to them
Don't mean to be obvious but you should focus on school -- could you retake any classes encase you don't get all As? Getting into computer science is a great major, while going to school many of them were in my same classes (ex. physics, calculus). Some were 23 years old old like you, another was 27, and another was in her early 40s with three kids. Don't worry if you feel that you are old. Everyone takes the path differently.
There are a lot of people who are smart and do drugs. AKA my father, AKA my ex-boyfriend. But drugs always created the issue with their personal life, academics, and work. Some people cannot handle to even drink one beer because otherwise they fall into their old problems. You should really avoid all drugs -- focus on school, and your own personal values and ethics. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be the kind of person that does this?" or ask yourself, "Who do I want to be?"
Always maintain to believe in yourself which from what you wrote sounds like your strength.
As for you girlfriend -- why are you with her? You didn't mention much about her.